King of the Hill, CGA Style

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

A King of the Hill thread works like this:

The initial post is the first KotH. Each successive post must explain how the previous king was removed from the hill in a creative manner, with that poster being the new KotH.

Traditionally, the "winner" is the person who makes the final post; this type of thread often ends with a posting frenzy of one word posts. To eliminate this, I'm implementing two additional rules:

1. Only I know the post # which will be declared the final KotH. It might be 500, it might be 32. It might even be pi, or the square root of e. I'll make an announcement here when there are five posts to go.

2. Each post must be at least two sentences and 20 words long, and be related to the post before it.

So, your first entry:

WildBillKickoff places his flag on the top of the hill, surrounded by seven of the most fearsome allies he could muster. Himself clad in armor of a luminescent blue, carrying he has summoned each of his seven MMO avatars as his guardians. Patrolling the base of the hill are, from the unmentionable MMO, Gemhammer the Dwarf, wielder of the Axe of the Shire, and Whirling Pastori, Guild Wars Dervish, wielder of the scythe Shezel's Reaper, undefeated in martial combat. Roaming the side of the hill are the ritualist Pastori Spiritbinder, master of the spirit realm, and two masters of the elements: the Guild Wars Elementalist Pastori Thunderclap, controller of lightning, and FFXI Black Mage Jaypi, Tarutaru pyromaniac.

Standing at the top of the hill next to their master were the two most powerful of WBK's GW characters. The indomitable, unrelenting Pastori Mastersson, knight of Ascalon, and the incomparable Pastori Virtuous, who makes everyone around him more effective and is handy with a spear to boot.

Hail to the king, and let the games begin.

[Lazarus]

Lazarus whirled a sling around his head and let fly - the round stone projectile slammed into Gemhammer's helmet and knocked him flat.

Lazarus picked up the Dwarf's Axe and engaged Whirling Pastori, axe upon scythe.
"I hope you won't be too crushed when I win." he sneered, slashing the head off WPastori's scythe and then lopping his arm off.
Mercifully, Lazarus merely slammed the side of the axe head into WPastori, throwing his crumpled body onto the ground.

Lazarus ran toward the other Pastori, Thunderclap. Bolts of lightning cracked from the sky.
Dodging, Lazarus swung fiercely at the Elementalist, breaking his staff in two.
As he raised the axe to end TPastori's life, a flaming arrow whizzed past.

"Too late for your comrade, friend." Lazarus sneered, kicking TPastori in the jaw.
He turned and whipped up his axe to block a blazing ball of fire shooting at him.
Before the Black Mage Jaypi could unleash his true powers upon his foe, Lazarus closed the distance between them and slashed at his legs, felling Jaypi as well.
"This is almost too easy."
And then the ghosts surrounded him. Lazarus watched in confusion as the wraiths and spirits flitted around him, howling and wailing with dark glee.
"Mere apparitions." he muttered, casting about for the source.
"Ah."

Spiritbinder stood about ten yards away, muttering a spell.
"Begone, and your shadows with you!" Lazarus cried, flinging the axe toward him. It hit Spiritbinder over the head and he collapsed.

"Wild Bill, we meet again." Lazarus was saying a few minutes later as he crested the hill.
"I fear you shall have a harder time with these gallant men." Wild Bill growled, indicating Mastersson and Virtuous.
"Not hardly." the unarmed Lazarus scoffed.

Mastersson charged down on him, swinging his sword in a deadly arc toward Lazarus' head.
Ducking low, Lazarus leaped onto the horse as it galloped past, flinging the knight off. He rolled down the hill, armor clinking loudly, then smashed into a rock and stopped.
"WHOAAAAAAAA - OOOF!"

Lazarus turned and galloped toward Virtuous. A spear stuck into the side of the steed, and Lazarus leaped lightly off as the animal fell.

Virtuous raised another spear and let fly. Sidestepping, Lazarus slashed the spear in half with his sword as it flew by.
"Doom is written on this sword, my friend." he quoted, slashing at Virtuous.
The Pastori ducked and jabbed Lazarus in the foot with his third spear.

"Stand back, ere I let air into your evil skeleton." he replied.
"Let us not speak of skeletons with so many of your comrades' own scattered around this place." Lazarus shot back, stabbing at him.
"Yours will soon join them, unless I have naught do with it." Virtuous responded, evading the sword thrust. He twirled the spear between his fingers and flung it out.

Lazarus dropped to the ground in a split-second and then rolled to his feet, almost on top of Virtuous.
"Give up, or I kill you." he grunted, holding the sword to the Pastori's throat.
"Never!" Virtuous exclaimed in horror. "Never!"
"So be it." Lazarus quoted, stabbing him in the gut.
Virtuous staggered backwards, blood spilling from his cloak.

"Wild Bill - kill him!" he gasped, falling to the ground.
"The opposite will be true, I warrant." Lazarus said.
"Your bluish armor of such a marvelous hue will protect little against such a marvelous sword as mine, Wild Bill." he said in turn to that person.

"Oh Lazarus, you forget. 'Once a King of the Hill, Always King of the Hill.'" Bill returned, pulling out his dagger.

"I have no time to waste on you, I am afraid." Lazarus replied. He shifted the sword to his left hand and hurled it at Bill, striking him in the kneecap.

WildBillKickoff fell to the ground, clutching his leg. Lazarus walked slowly up to him and picked up the dagger.
"Goodbye, Oh King of the Hill." he quoted as he stabbed downward.

Lazarus turned, raising his arms.
"GREET THE NEW KING OF THE HILL!" he shouted, the hills around resounding with the echo of the words.

(Let the next challenger step forward. ;))

[ChickenSoup]

pffft I thought that this was talking about the cartoon.


I watched through a suveillance monitor as Laz rejoiced by smearing himself with paste and dropping eggs on a poster of WBK. It wasn't that pretty. In fact, one would say that it was actually kind of strange. Alrighty then, it was repulsive.

But 'twas not so for long.

"Initiate launch sequence! Push some buttons! Turn some knobs! Pull some levers!!!" I yelled. My crew scrambled to their places and worked to bring Operation Blow Lazarus into the Intermediate Stratosphere With a Bio-Bomb
into reality.

As Laz rejoiced, covered in paste so that he could hardly move, a bio bomb screamed out of a submarine somewhere hidden in the southwest Pacific.

"I'm king of the world!!!" shrieked Laz, practically eating the Elmer's. He paused, in deep thought.
"I'm king of the hill!!!" he corrected himself at a louder volume, falling into the high-paced step of an Irish riverdance.

The missile soared through the sky, majestic yet deadly.

But the unthinkable happened!

You know the saying "so bad it could knock a vulture off a crap wagon"? Well, that vulture was looking for a new home when it ran headlong into the missle, knocking it off course.

"Curses!" I muttered. "Oh well. It will probably land in the ocean or somewhere with not a lot of life." I then thought of all the sea life out there and felt inarticulate for a reason I could not comprehend.
"Ah, screw it," I mumbled. I ran up the hill (did I mention that Laz was
only about 20 yards away?) and, using Gary Coleman as a primitive club, I beat him into submission. After that, I had a victory cigar.
"Ta-ta!" I cheered cheerily, knocking a hot ash off the end of the stogey. It landed on Laz's crumpled but still-barely-alive form and ignited the glue.
"Oops."
Laz rolled around screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling like a cocker spaniel with a rabid banana latched onto its behind. I sighed and waited for the noise to die down.
"I am Benevolent Dictator of the Hill," I noted rather profoundly.

I hoped someone would replant that streak of burnt grass that trailed down the side of the hill.


[app. 8-12 months later]

The missile trailed down into the atmosphere of Mars. Below, an astronaut, the first man on Mars, held up a strange looking rock.
"Could it be?!" he cried, scraping away some dust with his glove. It was! A fossil of a mysterious cat-like creature!
"I'VE DONE IT! I'VE GOT PROOF OF LIFE ON-"

The bomb hit.

[Lazarus]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :D
Ahem - oh, sorry.
Does anyone mind if I take the next one? There doesn't seem to be many posts here...

...

Using an old tactic, Lazarus smeared himself all over with glue again and then rolled in leaves and grass and tree branches to camouflage his body.

He snuck up the hill in this fashion, right behind Chicken Soup - who was unceremoniously surprised by Lazarus' entrance.

"Now we'll never know if there was life on Mars!" Lazarus screamed furiously, charging toward C$. Unfortunately his foot was still covered with glue and had stuck to the ground, so Lazarus did a faceplant right into C$'s legs and knocked him down.

Gary Coleman was still there, so Lazarus picked him up, glued him to C$ and stuck the burning cigar in Coleman's back pocket.

After a few seconds C$ recovered, but too late, as smoke began to rise from Coleman's clothes. He screamed and ran off into the sunset with C$ glued to his back, waving helplessly.

"Smoking's bad for your health, Dude." Lazarus called after him. Then he pulled out the latte that he'd bought at Starbucks and took a sip.
"The King of the Hill needs all the caffeine he can get." Lazarus mused, drinking it down.
"Waiter!"
...

[ChickenSoup]

I ripped Gary Coleman off my back, along with a layer of skin or two, and tossed him in Laz's direction. A few seconds later, I heard a thud and a scream.

I ran up to Laz, grabbed the latte, and, despite it's putrid taste, drank it.
"ARE YOU NUTS?!" screamed Laz, snatching the cup away too late to do anything.
"No, I'm... I'm... I'm..." I froze. Laz's eyes widened with terror as he saw what happens when someone gives C$ caffeine.
"SPAAAAAAAAM!!!!!" I belched. The force of the blast of my yodeling call blew Laz into the sky.
I grinned and sat contentedly on the hill, exchanging jokes with Gary.

[Lazarus]

As Lazarus flew into the sky he pulled the ripcord and a parachute inflated above him. It was a small one - so he dropped rapidly toward the ground.

Lazarus shot through a cloud bank on the way down and saw a hill below him. C$ and Gary Coleman were sitting on it.

C$ looked up and his eyes widened in terror as Lazarus grinned evilly and parachuted toward him.

WHAM!

He landed on C$ feet-first, knocking him off the side of the hill with a gigantic stomach-ache.

Lazarus picked up Gary Coleman and heaved him off the hill - where he landed on C$'s back below - breaking a spine or two...

Lazarus picked up his latte and got a refill, then walked to the precise center of the top of the hill.

"I'm KING OF THE HILL!"

[ChickenSoup]

I tossed Gary C to the side and tossed a grenade at Laz.

It landed in his lap and... well... he was no more.

[Lazarus]

If I can't be King of the Hill, neither can you.

Lazarus pulls out his trusty folding shovel and tunnels under the hill, laying dynamite charges, then crawls out the other side and runs up the hill toward C$ with the detonator in his hand.

"Farewell, C$!" he yelled as he neared ChickenSoup. With that, Lazarus pressed the detonator button and the hill exploded underneath them, flinging tons of dirt and rock and pieces of C$ and Lazarus into the air.

Part of Lazarus landed on the top as all the dirt fell back down and he managed to yell, "I'M KING OF THE HILL" a millisecond before the entire top avalanched, carrying both C$ and Lazarus with it.

A few hours later Lazarus crawled onto the top of the much smaller hill and croaked, "I'm King of the Hill.", then collapsed on his side.

His two trusty servants, Pancho and Villa, guarded him; both carrying bolt-action Springfield rifles. A very tough adversary the twosome would be for any foes, I'll tell ya.

[ChickenSoup]

Tough, yes, smart, no.

I reached up and knocked their heads together. The coconut-like sound of their colliding noggins secretly made me chuckle to myself.

I then grabbed their rifles and lit up Laz. WEEEE

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

I have feigned death long enough, thought Wild Bill. It is now time to put my army to better use.

Stealthily rising to his feet, the bloodied but unbowed WBK set to raising the Pastoris, Jaypi, and Gemhammer back to life. The valiant heroes quietly stepped back to reflect on what went wrong, and strategize their way back to the top of the hill.

"Avatars, we have a serious problem. Both Lazarus and C$ have employed some serious weaponry, weaponry that we do not possess, nor would we use it if we did because this is supposed to be NON-LETHAL combat. Of course, whenI created the hill, I didn't make that clear, so I'm to blame for that gaffe. My bad."

The seven slain superheroes sighed simultaneously, and set their spears, swords, and scythes aside surreptitiously. (And if that isn't the best alliteration you've ever heard, I don't know what is.)

"Well then, here's what you will do." After explaining the plan, the avatars set about completing their task.

After about 3 hours of activity, the avatars signaled to their leader that the plan was ready. WBK slowly crept up the hill, and shouted to C$, "Hey buddy! I just wanted to invite you and anyone else you've got up there to our Super Bowl party down here on the slope. We've got plenty of chicken wings and burgers for everyone."

C$ was unimpressed. "I see right through this, WBK. You're just trying to get me to give up the high ground, like Anakin in Star Wars Episode III, so you can haXXorz me. It's not going to happen."

"My avatars have built a Mountain Dew factory," said WBK slyly.

C$ sprinted down the hill as quickly as his legs would carry him, and WBK's avatars fed him chicken wings, burgers and Mountain Dew until he had a horrible stomach ache. Unable to act, he could only watch as WBK and his avatars slowly strolled to the top of the hill. And took all his missiles.

[Atown]

Walking through the area, Atown notices the notably large hill and a fattened C$ sitting at the bottom. Pondering to himself what is so great about the hill, Atown decided to climb it. He eventually caught himself spying WBK and several others, running about pilfering many missles and rejoicing greatly. Atown then called for a barrage from his pirate ship to scatter people on the hill, whilst he cast meteor shower and obsidian spiked the people on the hill, claiming it as his own.

[Lazarus]

Seeing the destruction wrought by Atown's great powers, Lazarus decided that he must be completely destroyed and imprisoned.

Lazarus dived back into his tunnel, which had amazingly survived the explosion, and tunneled upwards to where Atown stood on the top. He was rudely surprised when the ground underneath him opened up and dropped him through a hole; where he landed at Lazarus' feet.

Lazarus bopped him over the head with his shovel, caved in the tunnel at the other side, then climbed out onto the hill and covered the hole with dirt.

"ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF THE HILL!"

As he looked around Lazarus saw the missiles C$ and WBK had left behind, so he fired them at Atown's pirate ship and sunk it with all hands.

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

Having been scattered by the pirate's fire was one thing, but WBK and his team simply laughed at the Obsidian Flame being fired at them. Of course, a single Obsidian Flame was nothing more than a nuisance to a team of highly trained avatars.

However, it came as a surprise when Lazarus, who had singlehandedly wiped the entire team (albeit under dubious circumstances; namely, his team was wiped by someone completely unfamiliar with the capabilities and fortitude of Guild Wars, FFXI, and the nameless MMO's powerful characters) saw Atown's rather paltry by comparison powers and deemed him worthy of utter destruction, while not even making a mention of total destruction for the Avatars, as they call themselves.

WBK took great offense to this slight and decided that one good turn deserves another.

"Gentlemen: Laz, Pancho, and Villa are on that hill. Today, we take it back. No trickery. No Mountain Dew factories. Show him what you can do, Virtuous."

Pastori Virtuous lead the charge, shouting as he ran. Pancho and Villa both took dead aim, and fired point blank. Although the bullets appeared to hit PV, at that moment bullet holes appeared in Laz's minions. "What..." started Pancho before falling. "...happened?" finished Villa as he, too, slumped over. "Reversal of Damage," explained PV to his unsuspecting opponents. "Reflects all damage back to the attacker. I'm glad I was subbing monk."

"Halt!" shouted WBK. "Laz is mine."

Laz had picked up the RPG launcher he used to detonate Atown's pirate ship. "You don't stand a chance, punkface. This is a homing rocket launcher. Adios, compadre." With that, he pressed the big red button that said "fire", and WBK was targeted.

Suddenly, as if by magic, WBK appeared inches behind Laz and held a dagger to his neck. "Aura of Displacement. I can come to you anytime I want to, and leave any time I want to. Oh, lookie, the missile is heading back this way. It should impact in...

"Three." A smirk started to appear on WBK's face as he counted down.
"Two." Laz's eyes grew larger as the missile closed it's gap on their location.
"One." As the camera peered in on Laz's left eye, the missile grows larger and larger in the reflection.
"Bye!" WBK phases back to his original location just as the missile makes impact, flinging the now unconscious Laz about three miles from the hill. We'll see him again soon, thought WBK. Better make preparations, he's a tough bugger.

[Neirai the Forgiven]

Explosions always made him cringe. He couldn't help it, but he liked to pretend he could.

Now the food was standing up and laughing. The food that had outsmarted the other food. Wild Bill Kickoff, a strong looking, youngish foo--

For crying out loud! Not food, PERSON.

Neirai shuddered to himself. In those few moments of honesty, he admitted that he was, truly, in the second stage of Feralsbane -- Lycantropic Psychosis -- the mental disorder that plagued druids who spent too much time in the form of an animal. What I need is a relaxing stay on the banks of the Moonglade, away from the travails of the Raids and DEFINITELY away from Ironforge. Hideous place, Ironforge. All bustle and clatter, and what's worse, carved from inside a great mountain, in contravention of the rock's natural state! Why live in a city when one could have a den up in the Vale with nothing to bother your hunts other than a frisk with the missus and the raising of a litter of cubs?

Neirai's eyes snapped open. Moonkin's Hair! I'm an ELF, by Nashor's call! Feralsbane was a horrid disease. First came the embarrassing moments when one realized that his mouth was watering at the thought of honey, or berries, or Orc's flesh freshly ripped from the quarry. Or Tauren. Mmmmm... savory Taurenloin. Nashor and Elune! I'm losing it... Then came the horrific warring in one's own brain, trying to keep a grip on one's true nature -- that of an elf, not a cat or bear, an ELF!

Finally, if things went far enough, the druid would forget what he was, lapsing into an animalistic state wherein one believes that his true elfin nature is, in fact, simply a shapeshifted form. Intelligence and communication would give way to instinct and insanity.

There was only one cure. Time away, off duty, without a single shift. Such inactivity would allow the mind to find itself again. But that's never going to happen. Oh, why did I ever take that position? As Grand High Tableman of the Society for the Equal Treatement of All Speccs (SETAS), Neirai couldn't exactly just take a break. Why, if he was ever seen fighting out of a shift, he'd be discredited! The world's most influential feral druid, on a mission without his fur? Unthinkable!

His only salvation lay in the task ahead. This was l'Laniye ki Niyal -- in the moon-tongue, the Hill of Worlds. Once a decade, the fabric of matter around the hill would shimmer. At that time, one would be able to see warriors of all races, worlds, realms, and planes. Sometimes they even came in planes. Here, thirty score past, an epic battle had been fought between Spider-man, Chuck Norris, Malfurion (Most Blessed of Elune), Cloud Strife, and the warrior known simply as "Atown." Malfurion, although Most Blessed of Elune, had lost that battle -- Malfurion, the first Moonkin druid! Since then, the druids had not taken part in any of the battles of ki Niyal. Until now.

Neirai, alone, would reclaim the Cenarion Circle's honor. He could do it! A feral druid would defeat the comers on this day. And then he would retire, knowing that, in tribute to his victory, the demands for equality from SETAS would be met.

That and the new tastes of meat would be interesting. The drool was already running down his chin before he could stop it. Nashor's third whisker! If I soloquize any longer, the Bane will seize me before I have a chance! Enough with the narrative backstory, and on with the action.

The target: A monk from l'Raock ki Norgal, the land of guilds. Neirai had a disdain for the denizens of the land of guilds. They were a proud people, who prattled on about how they "Didn't pay to play," whatever that meant. Probably an obscure religious reference.

The setting: A large hill, riddled with underground tunnels and with the peak destroyed by many explosives.

Neirai sprinted forward, his blue paws hammering silently on the burnt grasses. Of course, for all his efforts, he was only able to keep that up for about fifteen seconds. But he had no worries; he was prowling, so nobody could see, hear, sense, or smell him.

The monk was still strutting around with a wide grin on his face and several pieces of Lazarus's now defunct jacket draped over his shoulders, still smoking from the blast. He never saw the cat druid spring, but he definitely felt the cat's large paws collide with his upper back as Neirai pounced on him.

No reaction time. Four seconds of stun, and a small cut on his back. Neirai took the opening and pressed his advantage by raking a claw across WBK's shoulder. A long, but shallow wound was the only visible result.

WBK grinned. For a high-level druid, Neirai had hardly hurt him. He'd suffered worse in the past -- moonfires and the like.

Suddenly the Cat's paw lashed out, but the claws were all sheathed... into a fist??

The cat's paw hit WBK solidly beneath the jaw. WBK staggered back, suprised. His suprise intensified as the small wounds on his body suddenly sprang open, staining his clothing with red.

Mangle, though WBK. He bought Burning Crusade. WBK realized that this animal was truly a formidable opponent, so he lashed back with an attack that he had learned from observing taped recordings of previous fights: a roundhouse kick to the cat's head. The cat went flying backwards off of the hill -- only to land on its feet.

"Mr. The Forgiven..." rumbled Wild Bill Kickoff.

"Suprised, Mr. The Forgiven?" WBK stood tall, King of the Hill for all to see. The cat stretched and yawned. WBK's left eyebrow quirked with annoyance as he sought to deliver an original line, for once.

"Mr. The Forgiven... why do you persist?"

"Mew!' said the cat, his eyes never leaving WBK's throat. WBK found this nervewracking, but he would not allow the cat to strike. With that mangle in effect, even the slightest scratch could prove fatal. With a sudden activation of his Aura of Displacement, Wild Bill Kickoff threw a lightning-fast daggerr strike into the druid's face. The druid did not even have a chance to blink as the dagger moved the seventy feet between them in a single instant. The strike was true and had the momentum of a falling meteor as the point neatly slipped between the fur covering the space between the druid's eyes.

...And crumpled, and shattered. Even as it was happening, WBK goggled at the sight. Where once had been a cat was now an enormous bear, his hide harder than any metal that WBK had ever seen.

The momentum behind WBK's lighting-fast movement propelled him unerringly into the bear druid, where he hit the adamantite-hard skin like a sports car meeting an iron wall -- with a spongey, sickening crushing noise. The druid didn't even blink.

Then the druid found a nice, hard stump to scrape the monk off onto. He shifted into his el-- his NATURAL form and took a stand at the top of the hill, where he began to lick himself.

He suddenly stopped, looking flustered and embarrassed, and straightened up. "By Nashor, father of feral druids, by Malfurion, Most Blessed of Elune, and in the name of Elune, I claim l'Laniye ki Niyal for the Cenarion Circle! I am ARCH DRUID OF THE HILL!!!"


Then he took a nap.

[Lazarus]

"Too easy," Lazarus thought, slipping through the last tangle of grass toward the sleeping elf on the hill.

He pulled out his dagger and crept forward.

Unfortunately, he knew nothing about Mr. Forgiven's cat sensory perception.(Have you ever tried sneaking up on a sleeping cat?)

As Lazarus raised the dagger, his foe disappeared, leaving nothing there but a huge boa constrictor.

"Wha - "
It slithered sideways and threw three coils around Lazarus' chest, squeezing hard.
"Aagh!" Lazarus gasped, his breath coming in short bursts. He stabbed at the coils with his dagger, inflicting several deep wounds, but still the snake hung on.

Lazarus raised his knife again and then blinked - frozen. The boa constrictor had it's face inches away from him. The blood-red tongue flicked in and out.

"No - no!" Lazarus exclaimed - his gaze inexorably pulled toward the snake's eyes. Once caught in their gleam, he would be hypnotized, and easy prey.

Pulling his face away with effort, Lazarus jerked his arm out of the way as the snake's tail lashed at it and stabbed for the snake's eye with all his might.

The mortal wound caused Mr. Forgiven to resume his elfin form - albeit with a bloody slice across his face.

"Begone, druid!" Lazarus cried, flipping him onto his shoulders and heaving him over the side of the hill.

In his confused state, Mr. Forgiven accidentally changed into a large sow and rolled down the hill, squealing loudly at every bump.

Lazarus stood up, breathing heavily.
"I'M KING OF THE HILL!"

He grabbed Pancho and Villa.
"Wake up, you bums. And put some real bullets in your guns - not those rubber ones!"

[ChickenSoup]

"My avatars have built an A&W Root Beer factory," said WBK slyly.


Fixed
-------------
I groaned and rolled back up the hill on my now-bulbous stomach. I belched, and WBK, along with his "avatars" were blown off the hill.
"HA! THE COLTS WON!" I cried. WBK's avatars keeled over, unconscious, and WBK fainted.

[Neirai the Forgiven]

Lazarus stretched himself and grinned. Lycantropic Psychosis -- it was no wonder that they called it "Feralsbane." The druid hadn't even stood a chance. Napping on the Hill? Hillarious!

Turning around, he spied something moving through the bushes that ringed the hill. Squinting carefully, he saw what it was: a young child, a girl.

He groaned. Children should not be allowed out of their parent's sight, he told himself, particularly this close to this part of the world. He walked to the base of the Hill -- making sure to keep a foot on it of course, he was no fool -- and called to the child.

"Hey, kid-- it's dangerous here for children. It's even dangerous for adults. Run along home now like a good little girl."

She looked at him innocently. She was small for her age, that was for sure. Her long brown hair was done up in ponytails and she wore a small dress made of a smooth, silky material.

And she was gorgeous.

Stunning. Brilliant. Lazarus stared at her for many seconds, his mouth hanging open. He couldn't believe how attractive she was at the moment.

For crying out loud! She's a CHILD!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??! Lazarus could hear his own voice echo though his mind, but he could not stop himself from standing transfixed, looking at the girl.

Her perfect lips, her angelic smile, her smooth skin, her aged eyes...

...AGED EYES??

Suddenly Lazarus snapped out of the trance. "Pancho! Villa!!" he roared, his voice husky from the effort of will. "Lay down a suppression fire, you bums!!!"

Machine gun fire lit up the hillside. The girl hardly blinked, but the bullets had their intended effect. Laying on the grass in a pool of black ichor not a dozen paces from Lazarus lay a creature that looked like a cruel, tasteless parody of a beautiful woman. Succubus, shuddered Lazarus. A daemon of seduction. The girl was a witch, a warlock!

*Edit: for the sake of clarification, she's a gnome, and she's in her late thirties.*

Suddenly all of his nerve endings opened up in pain, slowly at first, but then intensifying until even the carress of wind became a red-hot iron. Lazarus opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was senseless noise, a horrid blasphemy of speach. He felt weak, and all of his senses began to fail him. Soon he felt like his body had died, but that, for some reason, he had not. He stood in horrid fixation, looking at his body as it convulsed beside him. Then, without moving, he slowly found himself sliding towards the girl, into the pink jewel that she held in her hand.


Evilhugpower carefully placed the jewel into the bag on her belt. He was a brave man and true, and also a strong warrior, and so she would not which to lose this jewel or carelessly destroy it in order to craft a spell.

EHP was a "reformed" warlock, who wished not to use her powers unwisely, but she was a bondservant to the druid, Neirai. Taking a blue jewel out of her sack -- crafted from the spirit of a mindless bird, not a thinking being -- she pressed it to the body of the sow. Soon the body of the druid took on a blue light, and the pig opened his/her eyes.

"Oink oink oi---" the druid suddenly disappeared, replaced with an elf. Embarrassment could be seen on his swarthy face. He coughed. "I AM THE KING OF THE HILL!"

Evilhugpower snorted to herself. If he had not saved her life countless times before, she might have been tempted to strike him down just to prove that no man could handle this sort of power.

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

C$, the idea is to knock the current king off the hill, not the person who knocked you off. If you remember, I was removed a while ago. Therefore, Laz is still current KotH.

[ChickenSoup]

WildBillKickoff;205990']C$, the idea is to knock the current king off the hill, not the person who knocked you off. If you remember, I was removed a while ago. Therefore, Laz is still current KotH.

I was posting at the same time as everyone else and my post got stuck in the wrong spot.

[Lazarus]

I wonder, am I allowed to try to regain the "King of the Hill" title if I'm trapped inside Evilhugpower's pink jewel?

Btw - oh, the indignity - the shame! Captured by a girl - and imprisoned inside a pink jewel! I'm a laughingstock! :(

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

Of course you're allowed. Just come up with a way to get out of the jewel.

Back at the Pastorial HQ, Virtuous spoke to the still woozy, partially broken leader.

"Well, thank Lyssa for your ballfoot training, WBK. All that running into and through people is the only way you could have survived that collision."

"First of all, it's thank JESUS," growled WBK, still under the effects of the double dose of Percoset, yet still feeling the pain of nine broken bones, a ruptured ACL and PCL in his left knee, and dislocated right shoulder.

"You say tomato, I say tomahto," retorted PV.

"And secondly, it's FOOTBALL. How could you not know this after all the alliance chat about Tony Dungy and the Colts winning the Super Bowl?"

"Actually, boss," replied Gemhammer, "we thought it was an ice cream eating contest. You know, the biggest bowl wins."

These guys are starting to drive me nuts, thought WBK. "Jaypi! Are you subbing White or Red mage right now?"

Jaypi simply stood there with a blank, happy stare on his face and emoted /joy and /grin. He was trying to communicate, but as there is no voice acting in FFXI, emotes are the only way he has to say anything.

"OK, let's try this. Can you cast a Cure spell or two on me?"

/nod /clap /cheer /magic:Cure 2 <WildBillKickoff>

Why didn't I think of that before? thought WBK. I feel 100% better now. Time to take back that hill... the Taru could be useful. WBK knelt down and whispered something in Jaypi's... hood? How does that furry midget hear? Maybe that's why he can't talk.

Jaypi, who looks like a cross between a teddy bear and a cabbage patch doll, waddled to the base of the hill. /clap /wave /hug /joy

Neirai, cautiously optimistic about the cute little furball's intentions, called EHP to him. "What do you make of this?"

"Probably a trick to get us off the hill," replied EHP wisely. Neirai weighed her counsel and prepared a defense until a sudden urge overcame him.

He is a cute little thing. What harm could come in making him lunch? NO, DANGIT! NOT AGAIN! I'LL FIGHT THI... fight what? He looks like a little, furry, butterball turkey. He'll make a nice lunch. A little on the scrawny side, but he looks tender and juicy. Wait for it... wait for it... POUNCE!

Neirai bounded forward in lycanthrope form. "NOOO!!" shouted EHP, who cast a spell to slow him down so she could catch up.

Jaypi simply looked curiously at what he saw. He didn't quite understand what was happening, so he decided to have a seat and watch the cat-thing and the nice lady play tag. /sit /clap /cheer

Suddenly, Jaypi remembered the plan. He waited until the nice lady caught up with the cat thing, a few dozen yards from his position, then did as his master told him: /magic: Firaga-doken <Cat Thing and Nice Lady>

Neirai regained control of himself when EHP smacked him on the back of the head with the thrown pink jewel. The last thing he remembered for quite a while afterward was the giant ball of light hurtling at inhuman speed toward him. The fireball struck squarely between the two, burrowing an impact crater ten feet deep into the hill and burning all the fur on Neirai's body before the impact blew both Neirai and EHP backwards in opposite directions.

WBK emerged from his hiding spot and rubbed Jaypi on the head. "Nice job, little buddy."

/joy /cheer /clap /sit /king

[Neirai the Forgiven]

WildBillKickoff'] was the giant ball of light hurtling at inhuman speed toward him. The fireball struck squarely between the two, burrowing an impact crater ten feet deep into the hill and

Using DBZ imagery should be outlawed.
Oh yeah, and yes, Lazarus is still in the game. He just happens to be in EHP's soul pouch at the moment. But I put that bit about not accidentally destroying the shard in on purpose.

anyhooo....


Neirai chuckled to himself. If WBK had done his research, he would have known that one of Neirai's many exploits in the land of Azeroth was taking part in the mighty band of warriors who defeated the fel god of Flames and Cinders, Ragnaros.

This, of course, meant that Neirai always kept a goodly amount of fire retardant gear on-hand. Or, in this case, on paw. Therefore, even though the massive ball of flame had bounced him thirty meters in the air -- and destroyed his luxurious coat of night-blue fur -- it had, in fact, not even dazed him.

But, it had done some pretty nasty work on Evilhugpower. She hit the ground at a funny angle and a sickening crunch, squeeked, and lay still.

Neirai frowned as he flew through the air. Warlocks. Always have to over-play dying. It's not like I don't know that she'll be right back. Three meters above the ground he suddenly twisted around and landed on all four paws, without even making a sound.

Suddenly Evilhugpower's eyes snapped open and she quietly sat up. This always seemed a little creepy to Neirai, but he was used to it by now -- it wasn't the first time that he'd seen a soulstone in action. He wondered idly whose soul had been consumed in the making, but he knew that Evilhugpower was an ironically conscientious little warlock and so she would never use the soul of a sentient being in one of her little tricks. Besides, sometimes those imprisoned wretches could be useful later on.

Unfortunately it seemed like WBK would prove to be even harder to defeat than it had previously appeared. Neirai and Evilhugpower were powerful fighters, but they both knew that they were better as one-on-one fighters then in attacking groups of enemies, and they were sorely outnumbered, what with WildBill's Pastorial allegiences.

Then Neirai had a brainwave. Bear druids could, in fact, be used as explosive furballs of raking claws -- they just needed to be really mad. This was, however, a problem. Bear druids generate rage over prolonged periods of attacking and taking damage. Most of his encounters with WildBillKickoff had only lasted for one or at most two attacks from either side. How could Neirai generate enough rage to pull off the dreaded "swipe-bomb?"

Standing in the valley just behind a grove of trees to the south of the Hill, Neirai turned to Evilhugpower. "Fetch me a warrior. I don't care who. Just make him a protection warrior!"

Evilhugpower's enormous eyes grew even wider. Drawing fel lines in the air, she suddenly grasped at the darkness and pulled it apart. The space in front of her parted like a curtain -- revealing a dwarf clad from head to toe in thick, heavy plate. He had a shield that looked like it had be crafted from the shell of an ancient, giant beetle.

"Eh? Wott be th' manner of this?" he growled.

Neirai stood to attention and issued the formal rites of hero-binding, as perscribed in The Compendium of Courtly Languages and Binding Oaths of Azeroth: "LFG Warrior for Hill."

The warrior blinked, not recognizing the name of the dungeon. "Wott be this 'Hill,' an' be thar loots of epick kind?"

"Yes, yes, epic loot. If we can defeat those men."

"Aye, they stand no chance! Ye've hired th' greatest tank in all o' Azroth! Jess keep me on me feet an' they'll be no problem." boasted the Dwarf.

Innocently, the druid looked at the dwarf with a puzzled expression. "Tank? No, no... I don't need you to tank. I'm a bear druid -- I can handle the tanking myself."

The dwarf sputtered in indignation. "Tank? by Magni's bronze beard! Ye are a drood, man! Droods cannae tank, they be for healin'! Who's ever hear tell of a drood tank? Why, ye lack the damage mitt-tigashun and ye've got no shield at all. Is a disgrace to----"

Neirai could not hear the dwarf for the sound of the blood pumping in his ears. His ears -- despite being elven ears -- lay back on his head and he began to emit a low growl. With a massive effort of will he turned the focus of his killing rage from the dwarf's throat to the figures moving and dancing on the top of the Hill.


<<This absolutely pointless interlude brought to you by Neirai the Forgiven and cabbage.>>

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

"Jaypi, go back to HQ. You've done a great job, little guy, but you're kind of fragile, and I don't want to see you get hurt. Mastersson, go with him to make sure he gets there OK (and, if something bad happens to the rest of us, so someone can tell him to raise us)."

/sigh /mope

Jaypi started the short waddle back to HQ. The big guy in the black armor was kind of silly looking, so Jaypi decided to play a trick on him. He trotted ahead, and then darted into some underbrush. He didn't even need for the big guy to count to play hide and seek. Then, Jaypi cemented his role a King of Hide and Seek: /magic: Invisible <self>.

Mastersson rounded the corner that Jaypi had just rounded to see... nothing. This was strange, and far beyond the big warrior's comprehension. He liked to smash things and say little, not ponder life's complexities-- including what had happened to the little Taru. So, he continued his march to HQ and figured the little guy would show up sooner or later.

[Atown]

arising from the broken peices of the pirate ship and burying crew mates, Atown came up with a most devious plan. He kidnaps a 3 year old and watches it pwn WBK and his army and takes the hill for himself

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

Weakling, thought WBK. He should know that three year olds only cause emotional pain that is quickly overcome by their cuteness. I have a cute weapon on my side as well.

"JAYPI!" bellowed WBK with a bass-baritone that shook dust off the walls. "WE HAVE A PLAYMATE FOR YOU!"

Suddenly, from the deepest recesses of his small mind, Mastersson remembered that he was supposed to be watching the Taru. He looked up from his newest fun, playing rock paper scissors with the three year old (he had lost 27 straight-- apparently, the concept "paper beats rock" never crossed his mind), and grunted.

"Mastersson, do you have something to say?"

The galoot whimpered, and with a combination of emotions that overwhelmed him (sadness and fear, not particularly deep emotions, but enough to overflow the kiddie pool that was his emotional reservoir) the whimper became a full-fledged tear-fest. WBK was taken aback, especially because Jaypi had silently wandered in behind the big man and started playing with the three year old with moderate success. WBK quietly tapped Mastersson on the shoulder and pointed to the little mage. Mastersson gave one last heaving sigh, and wiped his face with the three year old's shirt. Of course, he was still wearing said shirt, and this caused another, much more shrill tantrum.

"Are you guys done now?" asked WBK lovingsarcastically. "We have a hill to take back."

A long battle ensued, and Atown was, as Mike Tyson put it, caused to "fade into Bolivian." Here's hoping he understands Spanish.

/king

[Lazarus]

Ah. I must intercede.

...

Lazarus sent the thought again. "Release me."

Evilhugpower closed her eyes, trying to resist. "No - no."
"'Ey - wot you talkin' to?" the dwarf growled.

Her eyes popped open.

"Release me."

Evilhugpower's hand moved unwillingly toward the pouch on her belt, unsnapping it. The purple jewel fell into her hand.

"Release me."

She dropped the jewel to the ground and stepped back, fingers twitching.

"Release me."

The dwarf moved toward the stone. "Wot is this?"
He bent down, picking it up. The jewel glowed.
White-hot pain flashed through the dwarf's hand. He howled and dropped the stone.

He raised an axe and moved toward the witch, preparing to cut her head off.
Evilhugpower released Lazarus from the purple jewel. A moment later it flashed and shifted, turning into a large rock.

Lazarus picked it up and bopped the dwarf over the head, then threw it at Evilhugpower, hitting her in the stomach. She bent over, gasping for air, and he grabbed the axe and coshed her over the head.

Lazarus turned toward the hill, where the druid was sneaking toward WBK.
A smile crept onto his face and he turned, running swiftly around the circumference of the tall mound of dirt.

...

Wild Bill Kickoff was abruptly surprised by a ferocious wolverine charging over the top of the hill. It grabbed Jaypi in it's jaws and shook, then released; sending the cute little thing flying into the air.

Mastersson grabbed his weapon and stood, only to be greeted by Neirai biting down on his leg.
"AahHHHAaAAH!" he screamed.
The wolverine swung him around and let go again. Mastersson vanished below.

The remaining warriors fell as well under the onslaught of the wild wolverine.

And then it was just Wild Bill Kickoff and Neirai, in his real form. They stared at eachother, unblinking.

Behind them, Lazarus crawled through the grass. He spotted their heads and quickly ducked, pulling a Chu-Ko-Nu out of his shirt.

Suddenly Lazarus stood and charged. The crossbow in his hands fired and fired again. Ten bolts whizzed through the air, taking both WBK and Neirai down.

Lazarus grabbed one of the wounded warriers. "Drag 'em out of here." he ordered.

A moment later he stood alone - unchallenged.
"KING OF THE HILL! HOO-RAH!"

[ChickenSoup]

I tossed a sonic charge at the hill and everyone was blown off but was left alive, so it was non-lethal.

I then claimed my rightful title. WEEEE!!!

[Lazarus]

YOu lazy bum. :)

Lazarus grabbed C$ and pressed a stun gun into the base of his neck. C$ screamed in agony for several - days... then Lazarus released the poor kid, whose nerves were shattered, and he staggered away.

W00T! KING OF TEH HILL!

Lazarus trips over his untied shoelace and falls into a gopher hole, breaking his leg.
Uh-oh.;.

[ChickenSoup]

I turned around and blasted Laz with frozen paintballs. He limped away on his gopher-broken leg and I claimed my title as "Laziest King o' t3h Hill Ever"

[Lazarus]

Lazarus rips his OWN leg off with super-human strength, runs the height of the hill on ONE leg(!), and proceeds to beat C$ unconscious with the leg!

Then he rips a sinew out of C$'s body, uses it to sew his leg back on, and tosses C$ off the hill.

"KING O' TH' HILL! ... YEOWWWW!"

Lazarus accidentally put his full weight on the injured leg and screamed in agony.

[ChickenSoup]

I rolled back up the hill, tripping Laz and sending HIM rolling down the hill

"Ouch, I'm, ouch, King, ouch, of, ouch, the hill, ouch, can someone, ouch, donate me a tendon? OUCH"

[Lazarus]

Lazars roller-skates back up the hill with a rocket attached to his back and barrels into C$, sending him flying.

"Here, I'll lend ya a tendon!" he yells, throwing a chicken wing at C$ - then incinerating it and char-broiling C$'s face with a flamethrower.

Another blast from the flamethrower blows C$ off the cliff in a cloud of sparks and flames.

"KING OF THE HILL!" Lazarus screams excitedly - then triggers his jetpack accidentally and is roller-skated into a tree.

WHAM!

"Ohhhhh..."

[ChickenSoup]

Luckily, Halonic Healer was standing by. He cast Mend Ailment and Regenerate Tendons (a new skill not yet released to the layman's of GW) and Heal Other. Revived, I threw a haymaker into Laz's stomach and bodily tossed him from the scene.

[Lazarus]

But Lazarus would not be denied his rightful title for long.

Picking up an AT-4 that looked like it had walked right out of America's Army, he aimed and fired. The rocket blazed forward and exploded, throwing C$ into the air amid a cloud of flying dirt and grass.

Then Lazarus picked up C$'s unconscious body, slapped a medpack on his wounds("Ouch -he's bleeding out."), then dropped him into one of Archimedes' old catapults and sent him flying.

C$ landed in a swamp several miles away.

"Ahem - LAZARUS IS KING OF THE HILL!" he shouted.

[ChickenSoup]

C$ self-casted Restore Life and then asploded Laz.

[Lazarus]

But C$ never made it back onto the hill(Or he would have said so), because a giant blob of mud attempted to swallow him, and he was forced to visit the laundromat to have all of his clothes cleaned.

Lazarus struggled over the crest of the hill, panting heavily. He forced himself to one knee and planted a huge nuke in the ground, then stood on it with the detonator in his hand.

"Anyone gets to close, and the King of the Hill is gonna blow you to Kingdom come!" he shouted furiously, thumb on the red button of the detonator.

[ChickenSoup]

I reappeared for seemingly no reason three feet away from Laz... Luckily, his back was turned to me.

I clubbed him on the head with a Pokemon card and he dropped the detonator.
"What's THIS do?" I asked the unconscious Laz.
"Oh well. I'll see for myself.

BOOM!

I was then king of the pit.

[Lazarus]

ROFL. :D

After I landed several miles away...(I was blown so high that the crater upon landing was several yards high)... I staggered away to a NEW HILL and proclaimed myself once again King of the Hill!

C$ left his kingdom...(well, pitdom), and came over to start another rebellion, but I quickly vanquished it by stuffing Gary Coleman into his trachea and then dropping him into a large model rocket with "Destination Moon" stenciled on the side and lighting the motor. C$ went up into the sky screaming and yelling and moaning.

"I AM T3H KING OF TEH HILLZ0RZ!" :-O

[ChickenSoup]

I then claimed a moon-hill as the new hill. I led my aliens in an epic 4-minute battle that won back the earth-hill and I banished Laz to the moon hill, where the aliens blew him up.

[Lazarus]

You can't do that! :mad: :D

Lazarus watched from the top of the hill as C$ lay unconscious on the ground, a silly smile on his face.

"He's dreaming again." he thought. "Probably something about a 4 minute epic battle that defeats me and banishes me to the moon where aliens blow me up... what a psycho..."

...this incredibly boring interlude brought to you by none other than...

THE ONE - THE ONLY - THE KING OF THE HILLLLLL!!!

[Lazarus]

C$ self-casted Restore Life and then asploded Laz.

I just noticed that this post was illegal. C$!!!

[ChickenSoup]

You can't do that! :mad: :DAnd why not? I'm not OBLIGATED to write a 10,000 word post... I did 2 sentences, just like the rules said

I woke up and backhanded Laz so hard that he said "Mamma Mia!" And rolled down the hill.

I then sent a giant snowball rolling down after him, and--SQUISH--it sort of absorbed him and continued rolling away. I claimed my title and then drank some grape soda and reveled in my kingliness.

[Lazarus]

Uh, Dude - that was only ONE sentence!

The snowball rolled into the ocean and gathered speed, flashing through the waves and absorbing water like no tomorrow. The myth of global warming was proved WRONG yet again as it turned into a glacier overnight!

Lazarus chipped his way out with an icepick and then sat back and waited as the glacier carved a giant slice through the United States on it's way toward the Hill.

When it finally reached it, he strapped on a pair of skates and skated down the side of the huge glacier.

Gathering speed at every turn, Lazarus accellerated to 700MPH(The speed of sound, w00t!), shot into the air, and landed on C$ at Mach 1.5, breaking his spine and several other body parts.

The glacier melted and formed a huge river, into which Lazarus dumped C$ and he peacefully floated away.

The new King of the Hill took a sip of C$'s grape soda and chuckled softly.

[ChickenSoup]

I threw a boomerang from where I was (after feigning unconsciousness) and got my soda back. I then attached dynamite to the boomerang and threw it, and it exploded just in time when it reached Laz. He survived, of course--he's just somewhere in the stratosphere right now. I hope he remembered his parachute!
I then claimed my title, AGAIN.
------------------
And yes, that controversial post of mine WAS two sentences, "dude"

I then claimed a moon-hill as the new hill period!!----->.<----period!! (new sentence now) I led my aliens in an epic 4-minute battle that won back the earth-hill and I banished Laz to the moon hill, where the aliens blew him up.

[Lazarus]

No no. Read my original post - the part in quotes is the turn you made that was illegal, DUDE. :) (Let's turn this into a heated argument, C$.)

I landed on C$'s head, shattering his collarbone - then engaged in hand-to-hand combat that ended with a leg throw that permanently destroyed C$'s hip. I then round-house kicked him to Pluto and took my title back.

[ChickenSoup]

Well that's too bad you're just jealous of my pwnitude

[Lazarus]

...no, not really.

--=interlude=--

Lazarus watched C$ crawl slowly up the hill toward him - then falter, slip, and plunge 2300 feet down to his demise.

He shrugged and took a sip of his grape soda. "King Lazarus - it has a ring to it, don't you think?"

Lazarus awoke suddenly and looked around. Pancho and Villa were asleep at their posts.
"Wake up, you bums!" he shouted.
--=interlude=--

[tjguitarz]

Suddenly, the ground rumbled and cracked, spewing hot lava all around the hill. TJ jumped out from the boiling rock, and pushed Laz in, laughing all the while as the former king melted. Taking his seat upon his throne, he smiled and started playing Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6: Vegas.

[Lazarus]

Suddenly, the game crashed and a huge smirking face that looked just like Lazarus appeared on the screen.

"I hacked your computer!" the speakers blared.

As TJ stared in shock, a window opened and he could see a program start deleting all of his files, one by one.

"NOOOOOO!"

Then it formatted the harddrive. As the screen blinked wildly, TJ screamed in rage.

And his computer exploded, throwing TJ off the mountain. Lazarus climbed over the other side of the hill at that moment, tossed a detonator after TJ(it hit him on the head), and sat down on the vacated throne.

"Heh heh heh. Anyone gets near me and I'll trigger the nuke hidden in the throne." he snickered.

[tjguitarz]

While Laz was laughing like a helium-filled Speedy Gonzales, TJ triggered the nuke hidden in the throne (that the king was sitting on). Laz died -- twice.

The mushroom cloud loomed overhead, ready to put the dunce cap on TJ when suddenly, a freak tornado blew it away. Smiling, he pulled out a Snickers and took a bite -- and snickered. The smooth caramel and chocolate massaged his tongue, helping him celebrate his victory.

TJ ran to claim his throne, but stopped dead in his tracks. Dropping the rest of the Snickers bar and falling to his knees, a tear dripped down his cheek. A knot pulsed in his throat.

The hill was gone. It had been leveled from the nuke. "I ruined the game..." He sobbed. "My once chance at greatness, and I BLEW IT UP!"

A poke on his ear caught his attention. It was Jiminy Cricket, his conscience. "Suck it up," he said, then disappeared.

The new king (of the nothing) got back on his feet and took a step forward, accidentally into a puddle "... great. Wet sock." The water was icy, sapping his warmth like a parasite.

In a desperate attempt to shift the blame, he pointed the finger in the air and screamed, "Laz, this is all your fault!"

The vaporized particles of the former king laughed.

[Lazarus]

But Laz had a plan! He stole Bill Gates' fortune and used it to hire a company to raise a huge mound of dirt in the same area, and the Hill was REBORN!

While constructing it, the works noticed a guy with a guitar sitting in the middle and ranting at the air. Lazarus told them to just ignore him.

So as it turned out, TJ was buried in the very middle of the hill and most probably died(along with Jiminy Cricket).

Lazarus sat down on his throne and wondered where the court jester(C$) was.

[tjguitarz]

But before the court jester could arrive, TJ did.

"Alright Lazarus, I'm going to make you an offer."

The king nodded as he licked his toenail. I could have sworn I saw a bubble... "Yeah, yeah. What do you want?"

"I want to make a trade. I shall become king and reign with an iron fist. And you will leave with your life."

The king started chewing on his foot like a dog with a squeeky toy. "A-gaa, goo-shally..." TJ couldn't understand what he was saying over Laz's gnawing, so he let out a cough. Laz took the hint. "I said, 'ok, whatever.'"

So there he went, the former king Lazarus. He walked away, out into the distance, with absolutely no care in the world. In no way would he ever decide to return. No bets, changes of heart, miraculous events, random possession, magic, nor creative writing skills would bring him back. He was gone forever.

TJ smiled as he ushered in his new slaves/servants. They quickly build a giant concrete wall (impenatrable to heat and explosions and lightsabers and creative writing skills) with a diamond crafted barbed wire cover over the entire complex (also immune to everything). Underneath was a giant diamond slab, protecting the entire hill (also immune to everything). His slaves/servants then happily patrolled and guarded the entire fortress, without a care in the world except their king's safety. Also, TJ paid his servants well, so there was no threat of rebellion.

"Ahh, this is nice," TJ -- TeH 1337 King-a-pwnage -- said, picking up a discarded Snickers bar. Realizing it was his old one, he chomped away.

[ChickenSoup]

I tore off my jester's hat, which contained C4 explosives (and, after all, you only have to hold down shift at all times to re-type C4 as C$!) and tossed it on TJ's lap. I then detonated it and, though his king-a-pwnage insurance would cover his medical bills, he'd have to go through reconstructive surgeries to salvage his golden "Flava Flav" grille.

"K1NGX0RX!!!" I shouted, and sat down, giggling, to a dinner with Jim Gaffigan.

[tjguitarz]

And then the great Moderators of the Sky looked down on C$ and frowned.

"C$, why, oh why are you writing in first person?"

"Because it r0xx0rzz!11!!1!. I figured all the 'Thirds' were just trying to be like Ender Wiggin."

"Ahh, but..."

"No really, dudes. It's ok."

"But... but..."

The Moderators of the Sky, now deeply saddened and filled with feelings of rejection, body-slammed C$ to nothingness. TJ, after his reconstructive surgery, was as good looking as ever. Since there was no one around, he simply strolled right up to his throne and took a seat. "I guess I'm king again." And then a thought struck his mind. "How did C$ get through my king-a-pwnage defense system?"

"I can answer that..." said a mysterious fellow.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Jim Gaffigan."

"Who's that?"

He sighed. "I'm just a nobody."

Then TJ picked Jim up and threw him into a pool full of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. "Bye-bye, Jim!" he said with a Dr. Evil laugh.

[Lazarus]

The same way Lazarus did - through the garbage tunnel!

A garbage-covered and reeking Lazarus runs toward TJ from behind, picks him up, telescopes his spine in and out until he looks like Gary Coleman's son, then throws him outside the castle where the "king-a-pwnage defense system" pwns him in seconds.

Lazarus sat down on the throne and placed the crown carefully on his head, making a mental note to have the staff clean up all the gum wrappers and old Snickers bars lying around.

[ChickenSoup]

And the problem with first person is...?
----------------
I then re-metabolizedx0rx myselfx0rx and t3h th3nz0rz!!! I tackled Laz.

The struggle that ensued was the greatest epic mano e mano pwnfest in history. It lasted four minutes.

But, sadly, Laz was pulverized and became MY court jester when I claimed the throne. I discovered a plot to de-throne me and I promptly shot him in the foot. I'm waiting for his medical report to see if insurance would cover it.

[Lazarus]

Lazarus limped up to C$ and battered him with his broken foot until he resembled a fish filet. Then he promptly ordered the royal chef to serve Chicken Soup(literally!) for dinner and ate an M&M.

[Neirai the Forgiven]

Edit: this item may seem out of place as there has been 5 posts since I started and finished. :P

<<A little while earlier>>

Neirai wheeled in the sky above the Hill He grimaced wryly to himself. The three-week treck from level 60 to level 70 had left him out of the action for quite some time. He felt refreshed, though. His newfound powers over weather, coupled with gaining the abilities of avianthropy (bird-type shapeshifting) had made the hiatus well worth it.

On the plus side, he hadn't spent so much time in avian forms as to cause him to develop aviantropic psychosis yet, and his time out of feral forms had allowed him to almost completely recover from his lycantropic psychosis. All that remained of feralsbane symptoms was an inane desire to cover his toilet with dirt every time he---

Suddenly Neirai felt a mighty tremor rush through the air. Instinctively, he climbed higher. Just in time, too -- a ginormous nuclear cloud filled the sky. He blinked in amazement. Humans really did know how to overdo things.

Quickly Neirai began to feel sicker and sicker and sicker. What was going on? He did a quick check of his combat log.

<Nuclear radiation hits you for 1 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 1.>
<Nuclear radiation hits you for 2 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 2.>
<Nuclear radiation hits you for 4 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 3.>
<Nuclear radiation hits you for 8 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 4.>

Hmm... the glowing cloud seemed to cause a minor amount of damage, and to cause a debuff.

<Nuclear radiation hits you for 32 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 6.>

Neirai wondered how high this buff could stack. But about the same time that it hit him for 256 points of nature damage, he decided he was through with figuring out semantics of debuffery. In the harsh, grating voice of the storm crow, he yelled out: "By the three winds of Kalimdor, I command you to leave this place!"

Immediately a cyclonic wind appeared and blew the nuclear fallout away. Looking down at the ground below him, he saw a guitarist being buried by a frontend loader.

A strange feeling began to permeate his consciousness. He'd felt this way before, long, long ago...

It took him a long time to figure out what the problem was. So long, in fact, that by the time he remembered, the battle had waged on for a long while and kings had been desposed and then.................. Laz was king again.

Suddenly he remembered! He shifted from bird form to cat form, dropping 20,000 feet from the air and onto the Hill Mark II.

"Run, Laz!" he snarled. Laz looked at him strangely, and the brought his new weapon -- a depleted plutonium rubber chicken slingshot -- to bear on the druid's head.

"No, you fool! You don't understand the danger!!" Neirai felt a sinking feeling. The stupid human hadn't figured out that this had gotten past the simple "game" stage. This was no King of the Hill struggle. This was a struggle for survival. Laz pulled back on the slingshot, a grin on his face.

Suddenly a thin burst of wind grabbed Laz and threw him into the air, where it held him, three thousand feet above the ground. "It's for your own good..." The druid's voice floated up to him.

Neirai's head suddenly snapped around as Laz's two chumps pointed their fully automatic rifles at him.

But just as suddenly, the ground beneath them burst into pale blue balefire. The hair on Neirai's back stood on end as they screamed in torment, and then powdered into ash. Crowned in an aura of unholy fire stood a figure Neirai had wished never to see again. The ageless eyes bored into him.

"Jiminy Cricket. My archenemy." Neirai wished desperately that he was somewhere else. "I thought that you were dead."

The apparition regarded him with disgust. "Several times, in fact. Dying's such a bore, you know." Then his expression hardened. "I murdered your father and mother, your sister and you brother. I even killed off TJ's conscience and replaced him with myself, all because he reminded me of you. Now, you are the last of your family, and you will die by my hand."

"Never, foul creature of deepest evil! I will avenge my family! Prepare to die!!"

The ground beneath Neirai's feet began to break apart, and he could see balefire beneath it, but Neirai was not afraid. He jumped into the air and assumed the form of a crow. Jiminy Cricket seemed surprised that his balefire had not consumed the druid.

Neirai laughed mirthlessly to himself. It had seemed so easy to escape the evil being. But all of a sudden Jiminy was standing in the air in front of him. Whistling "When You Wish Upon A Star," the dark agent of chaos was holding his gloved hands above his head. A giant ball of superheated plasma began to form in the air, growing bigger and bigger as it spun above the midget disney creature.

Suddenly, Neirai had an idea. For the first time in a long while, he switched from his bird form into his natural form -- that of an elf. As he fell towards the earth, he called on the powers of balance and focused his thoughts on the spinning ball of fire. "By Elune -- STARFALL!!!" he yelled.

Jiminy's star turned from bright yellow to deep blue and rocketted straight to the ground. Unfortunately for the cricket, he was still standing underneath it. The arcane starfall hit him squarely in the head and excised his evil from the universe. Balance was restored.

Turning back into a crow (at the last second, of course,) Neirai flew over to Laz. "Sorry about that, dude, but it's an old family feud thing, eh?"

Laz couldn't understand a thing the druid was talking aboot. He really realized that he needed a course in Canadian speach. His silence annoyed the druid, who decided to punish him for him impunity by releasing him from the funnel of air. The drop was quite unforgiving.

Neirai landed gracefully on the part of the Hill that was not covered in bits of smushed Lazarus, nor a giant crater from the starfire. He began to preen, in the way only the KING OF THE HILL MARK II could.

[Lazarus]

"Reminds me of a gull - how disgusting." Laz grumbled, crawling up behind Neirai.

Before the druid could exercise any of his powers, Lazarus flicked his thumb and a crane dropped a giant boulder on Neirai's head, crushing him inexorably.

Lazarus brushed crow feathers off of the throne and basked in the glory of his Kinghood.

[ChickenSoup]

I then deployed Cat Tank, which wiped out Laz forever (but in the most non-lethal way possible)

I claimed my title and then started writing Richard Simmons jokes.

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/01/2000913673688669733_rs.jpg

[Lazarus]

Lazarus walks up behind C$ with Tek7. The sheer amazingness of the admin causes C$ to fall off the hill, and Lazarus retakes his throne - pushing Tek7 off to land on C$ below with a loud crash.

[ChickenSoup]

"amazingness"? Ummm... 'kay
----------------
Little did Laz know, Cattank was still lurking in the mists of time... watching... waiting... and then... IT STRUCK

Without mentioning the explosions and little girlie screams emitted by Laz and the smell of kitty litter.... I was king again.

[Lazarus]

Aw, why not mention 'em? I sure will. :D

---------------------------

A loud explosion boomed as C$ flew into the air. Lazarus dropped the detonator and pulled the lid off of the bee cage.

C$ emitted several girlie screams as he ran from the angry swarm.
He tripped over a box of kitty litter and spilled it - and also fell into it.
C$ lunged to his feet, coughing over the terrible smell of kitty litter, and came face to face with the tiger it belonged to.

It growled - and ate him.

Lazarus sat down on his throne and slept.

-----

See? :D

[ChickenSoup]

But Laz was awakened when Cattank nuked him and the tiger.

I fell out of the animal formerly known as Tiger and tossed the unconscious Laz out of the way and did the Crazy Chicken Dance to claim my title

[Lazarus]

Staring in horror at the dancing C$, Lazarus turned the polka music up.

Higher and higher and higher...

The sound grew so loud that C$'s eardrums burst and he fell to the ground, screaming in pain.

Lazarus walked up and beat Cattank to death with C$, then beat the tiger apart with C$, then beat C$ up and knocked his teeth out.

"YOU BUM!" he screamed, heaving C$ over his shoulder. C$ tumbled down the hill and landed in a heap at the bottom with a loud crunch.

Lazarus hid... waiting... for any challengers.. they'd never find him till it was too late... BWAHAHAHAHA!

[ChickenSoup]

Lazarus walked up and beat Cattank to death with C$, then beat the tiger apart with C$, then beat C$ up and knocked his teeth out.

can't do that, Cattank is indestructible

[Lazarus]

Well he just got beat to death, dude.(waits for C$ to use "dude" in his own post...)

You gonna make your turn now?

[ChickenSoup]

Well he just got beat to death, dude.(waits for C$ to use "dude" in his own post...)

You gonna make your turn now?


"dude", it's indestructible and lethal damage and stuff takes no affect.

With that in mind...
-----------------
I rose from the ashes of me getting pwned by Lazaroo (the deranged Laz/kangaroo hybrid), and decided that Cattank was getting a little outdated. I then replaced it with Hawkjet, which has the same indestructibility but flies. It nuked him non-lethally and I reclaimed my title.
--------------
*waits for "nuh-UH!! o well i just anti air ur jet LOL"* :p

[Lazarus]

"nuked him non-lethally" -... that's kind of impossible, you know. ;)

nuh-UH!! o well i just anti air ur jet LOL.

-------------------------

I hopped into the pages of The Ezekiel Option(by Joel C. Rosenberg), and watched as fireballs fell from heaven and roasted C$.

I then reclaimed my throne.
"Phew... somebody get that burnt bowl of chicken soup outta here."

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

I hereby declare this contest over at post 71, as 7 is the number of completion and 10 is the number of perfection. And 1, because I was one post late. And, you get to take the hill from me permanently, for this topic. I also declare that if your post is lame, it doesn't count.

"WONDER TEAM POWERS, UNITE!"

Assembling together like Voltron, the Pastoris form a hideous, grotesque, bipedal construct, the legs guarded by the spirits of Spiritbinder and the sword of Mastersson, the arms by the lightning power of Thunderclap and scythe of Whirling, and the upper torso and head of Virtuous. The construct, along with Jaypi's flames, Gemhammer's axe, and the three year old's pwnage, scared Laz off the hill without a fight and allowed WBK to build a walled fortress complete with a trebuchet around the still smoldering crater.

King of the castle... and the hill. Next post wins.

[Lazarus]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lazarus made his way to the top of the hill and stood across from the assembled Pastori and their leader.

"Your powers are many and varied, and doubtless able to defeat me." he called.
"I don't even know what all they are, for that matter. But no one - NO ONE can equal my skill at playing the tuba!"

He pulled forth his tuba and let loose a massive toot. The sound travelled into a windphone set up on the hill earlier and accellerated it to hurricane force. The terrible and powerful blast of sound blew the assembled Pastori right off the hill.

Before WildBillKickoff(who had dived into the bomb shelter to avoid the blast of wind) could get up, Lazarus took two steps forward and tripped over a gopher hole, breaking his foot. As he howled in pain, WBK ran over to him and bandaged the leg, putting on a splint as well.

Lazarus regained consciouness several minutes later and repaid his benefactor by punching him in the nose, then stumbled to his feet and made for the throne.

Wild Bill Kickoff grabbed his lasso and tossed a loop around Lazarus, halting him. Whirling about, Lazarus grabbed the rope and began whirling it around his head with tremendous speed.

"AAAAAAH!" WBK yelled as he spun through the air at the end of the lasso.

Suddenly Lazarus bit through the rope with his teeth and Wild Bill Kickoff flew off into space.

Lazarus sat down on his throne - and it collapsed. He shrugged and stuck a lollipop into his mouth.
"I'm - King of the Hill again?! Alas for such a kingdom with 71 successive coups in the first two weeks of it's creation!" he moaned, sitting down amid the ashes of the throne.

[ChickenSoup]

I slammed into Pastori (WBK) and threw him to the ground and used a sausage to knock him unconscious.

"I WIN!!!" I roared victoriously, claiming my throne forever.

[ChickenSoup]

NOO I POSTED FIVE SECONDS TOO LATE

[Lazarus]

But wait - if WBK finds my post to be lame, you will win!

...although, if he finds mine to be lame it'd be nearly impossible not to conclude that yours is even lamer. :)

[ChickenSoup]

mine's funnier

[[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff]

Funnier and lamer.

I hereby crown Lazarus as the first ever CGA King of the Hill. Well done.

Thanks to all who participated for at least giving us a few laughs.

[ChickenSoup]

aw, plorp

[Lazarus]

...this crown is made out of brass. :eek: