The funnies! :)

[satjome]

I thought it would be neat to have a funny comments/jokes/phrases page. here is a funny one i heard in church:
It was a hot day and john and jesus were both kids. John was playing at jesus's house.Since it was a hot day,mary told them to go play in the pool. "And jesus,this time play IN the water and not on the water."
"But mom,john always dunks me!"
http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif  http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif  http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif  http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif  http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[mrpopdrinker]

Not a bad idea heres one. "It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here "

[Atown]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! good one pop. heres one: A golfer from arizona dies and goes to hell, when he arrives he asks satan if they have any gold courses. satan replys: yeah we have the 2nd finest courses in the universe fully functional with jet fueled carts. ALRIGHT says the golfer and asks where are all of the clubs and balls are. Satan says: we dont have any, thats the hell of it:p .

[satjome]

both are FUNNY! (i knew this would be a good idea http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif )

[satjome]

i posted this in a different topic,but nobody saw it:
HERE is a very funny article about xbox:
Xbox deflects real bullets


Irate Marylander shoots his roommates' console, but the 9mm round fails to penetrate its casing.

When called to investigate a shooting last Friday night, police in Anne Arundel County, Maryland found an unlikely culprit--an Xbox.


The Baltimore Sun reports that 34-year old Robert Preston Kersey had grown enraged by his roommates constantly playing their Xbox at high volume. According to the police report, Kersey emerged from his bedroom at 2 a.m. brandishing an automatic pistol. Rather than shoot his roommates, Kersey took aim at the offending Xbox and fired a single shot at the console. While the bullet's impact disabled the Xbox, its thick plastic casing deflected the 9mm round, which ricocheted away harmlessly.

Other than the Xbox, no injuries resulted from the incident. Kersey was later booked on two counts of reckless endangerment and one count of destruction of property.

[Dr. Tek]

alrite, this one is lame unless ur a red wings fan, and sucks if ur an avs fan

Patrick Roy, avalanche goalie dies. when he gets to heaven, God shows him to his house there, he sees a nice little house with a avalanche motif. He thanks God for the house, then looks over next door, sees a huge mansion with red wings banners and stuff all over. He turns to God and asks, "Why does Yzerman get that big house, and i only get this little one, what did i do wrong?" God replies to him, "What that house over there," He turns and points at the mansion, "thats not yzermans house, thats mine". In short, GO WINGS!!

lol, lame i know, if i remember my bill gates and hell joke, ill post it later.

[Atown]

uuuh yeah who are the red wings again??

[satjome]

lol, the red wings are a hockey team

[Dr. Tek]

detroits hockey team, usually always in the top 3, and even more the top position, there is a reason detroit is called hockeytown, like i said, unless ur a hockey fan, u probly wouldnt get it. and that xbox one, thats an old one, well not time wise, just u here it on pretty much every forum there is out there.

[Atown]

ooooooooooooooooooooooh. ok btw since u know hocky how does the seattle team do? i know we have one up here but i dont know their status.

[mrpopdrinker]

Quote[/b] ]uuuh yeah who are the red wings again??
I hate sports and I know who they are! Anyway here is another one I may or may not have posted awhile back I cant remember. There was more to it but I had to edit some parts out and change some words.
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples not 10.

4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his butt.

5. WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C and the boys."

6. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."

7. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

8. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"

9. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

10. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ******oops*******oops*******oops*.

11. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his donkey.

12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

[satjome]

not really funny, but reminds us what christmas is about:

Subject: Twas the night before Christmas, new version!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Twas the night before Christmas
> > > > and all through the town
> > > > Not a sign of Baby Jesus
> > > > was anywhere to be found.
> > > >
> > > > The people were all busy
> > > > with Christmas time chores
> > > > Like decorating, and baking,
> > > > and shopping in stores.
> > > >
> > > > No one sang "Away in a manger,
> > > > no crib for a bed".
> > > > Instead, they sang of Santa
> > > > dressed-up in bright red..
> > > >
> > > > Mama watched Martha Stewart,
> > > > Papa drank beer from a tap.
> > > > As hour upon hour
> > > > the presents they'd wrap.
> > > >
> > > > Then what from the TV
> > > > did they suddenly hear?
> > > > 'Cept an ad.. Which told
> > > > of a big sale at Sears.
> > > >
> > > > So away to the mall
> > > > they all flew like a flash...
> > > > Buying things on credit...
> > > > and others with cash!
> > > >
> > > > And, as they made their way home
> > > > from their trip to the mall,
> > > > did they think about Jesus?
> > > > Oh, no... not at all.
> > > >
> > > > Their lives were so busy
> > > > with their Christmas time things
> > > > No time to remember
> > > > Christ Jesus, the King.
> > > >
> > > > There were presents to wrap
> > > > and cookies to bake.
> > > > How could they stop and remember
> > > > who died for their sake?
> > > >
> > > > To pray to the Savior...
> > > > they had no time to stop.
> > > > Because they needed more time to
> > > > "Shop til they dropped!"
> > > >
> > > > On Wal-mart! On K-mart!
> > > > On Target! On Penney's!
> > > > On Hallmark! On Zales!
> > > > A quick lunch at Denny's
> > > >
> > > > From the big stores downtown
> > > > to the stores at the mall
> > > > They would dash away, dash away,
> > > > and visit them all!
> > > >
> > > > And up on the roof,
> > > > there arose such a clatter
> > > > As grandpa hung icicle lights
> > > > up on his brand new stepladder.
> > > >
> > > > He hung lights that would flash.
> > > > He hung lights that would twirl.
> > > > Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus...
> > > > Light of the World.
> > > >
> > > > Christ's eyes... how they twinkle!
> > > > Christ's Spirit... how merry!
> > > > Christ's love... how enormous!
> > > > All our burdens... He'll carry!
> > > >
> > > > So instead of being busy,
> > > > overworked, and uptight
> > > > Let's put Christ back in Christmas,
> > > > and enjoy some good nights!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Merry Christmas!

[CCGR]

very nice

[mrpopdrinker]

Hu is He
Fred appraoced John. "Hello John, I heard you know Hebrew"? "Yes I do." replied John.

Fred: I was wondering what the Hebrew for he is?
John: Hu.
Fred: Not any one in particular, I just wanted to know what is he?
John: Hee is she.
Fred: Who?
John: No, Hu is he.
Fred: I thought you said he is she?
John: Yes, that is correct.
Fred: What is correct?
John: Hee is she.
Fred: I have no idea what you said. Who is she?
John: No, hu is he.
Fred: I dont want to know who he is, now I want to know what she is in Hebrew?
John: Hee.
Fred: He Who?
John: Yes that is correct. But, hee is she.
Fred: Who is she?
John: No, Hu is he.
Fred: Why do you keep asking me "who is he"?
John: I thought you were asking me what he is in Hebrew?
Fred: Me?
John: That is who.
Fred: Who is me?
John: No, Hu is he, mee is who.
Fred: I don't want to know who you are, I want to know who is he?
John: That is correct.
Fred: But, I have no idea what I am saying.
John: But you say it so well.
Fred: Who me?
John: Why are you asking me who he is?
Fred: No, I am asking you what is he.
John: Hee is she.
Fred: Who is she?
John: No, hu is hee.
Fred: I am very lost. Me is who? Who is he? He is She?
John: Very good, you said that very well.
Fred: What did I say?
John: Mee is who, hu is he and hee is she.
Fred: Well if you must know, you are crazy, I don't know who he is and if she is a he, I sure don't want to know her?

[satjome]

THAT is a perfect example of a misunderstood conversation (its funny too!) http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[mrpopdrinker]

Quote[/b] (satjome @ Dec. 10 2003,1:28)]THAT is a perfect example of a misunderstood conversation (its funny too!) http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif  http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif
Yup, I am in the process of learning Hebrew so I should try that somtime.

[Atown]

cRedneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. 66 Ford Fairlane,

B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle,

C. 64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many poor hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Texas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 40-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?

[satjome]

Any answers?

[Atown]

srry i havent wanted to do the auctual math but i know a few guys who could pass that with flying colors :P

[mrpopdrinker]

In the beginning
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.

Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point, God created Hell.

[mrpopdrinker]

"Priest, Preacher, Rabbi, and The Bear"
> >
> >
> > > A priest, a rabbi, and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
> > >
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
> > >
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
> > >
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is and on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
> > >
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims,
"WELL brothers ....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... ......WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from Lord's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him
and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on Lord's HOOOOLY word."
> > >
They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one!"

[satjome]

Boy, really makes you hate the eniviromentalists, doesn't it

[CCGR]

The Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.


For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"


The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[satjome]

A man was dying and asked for the preacher to come in and motioned frantically. "i understand you want to write someting to your wife and i shall bring paper and pen." So he grabber a pad of paper and a pen from the desk and gave it to the dying man. The dying man scribbled something, pressed it into the priest's hand and died.
After admisitering the last rites, he took the paper to his wife and said " Your husband wrote this just before he died and asked me to bring this to you. She opened the letter and read it. it reads : GET OFF MY !#@$#%!@# OXYGEN HOSE!!!! (the priest was standing on the hose) http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[Atown]

lol good one.

[CCGR]

The Gift That Keeps On Giving (complete story)

From the web page http://www.patriot-paradox.com/archives/000284.html

The one present Roy Collette wasn't looking forward to getting for Christmas 1988 was those pants. Yet he knew he was in trouble as soon as the flatbed truck bearing a concrete-filled tank off a truck used to deliver ready-mix rolled up. Sure as God made little green apples, those pants had to be in there. And he was going to have to fish them out, else declare his brother-in-law the winner of a rivalry that had spanned 20 years.


Being the sport he is, brother-in-law Larry Kunkel thoughtfully supplied the services of a crane to hoist the concrete-filled tank off the flatbed.


What's this game, you ask? What was the significance of these pants, and why were two grown men going to such efforts year after year to retrieve them, only to send them off again?


It all began in 1964 when Larry Kunkel's mom gave him a pair of moleskin pants. After wearing them a few times, he found they froze stiff in Minnesota winters and thus wouldn't do. That next Christmas, he wrapped the garment in pretty paper and presented it to his brother-in-law.


Brother-in-law Roy Collette discovered he didn't want them either. He bided his time until the Christmas after, then packaged them up and gave them back to Kunkel. This yearly exchange proceeded amicably until one year Collette twisted the pants tightly and stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide pipe.


And so the game began. Year after year, as the pants were shuffled back and forth, the brothers strove to make unwrapping them more difficult, perhaps in the hope of ending the tradition. In retaliation for the pipe, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.


The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. As the game evolved, so did the rules. Only "legal and moral" methods of wrapping were permitted. Wrapping expenses were kept to a minimum with only junk parts used.
Kunkel next had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.


Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can, which he soldered shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.


Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.


Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who was the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.


The pants next turned up in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.


In 1982 Kunkel faced the problem of retrieving the pants from a tire 8 feet high and 2 feet wide and filled with 6,000 pounds of concrete. On the outside Collette had written, "Have a Goodyear."


In 1983 the pants came back to Collette in a 17.5-foot red rocket ship filled with concrete and weighing 6 tons. Five feet in diameter, with pipes 6 inches in diameter outside running the length of the ship and a launching pad attached to its bottom, the rocket sported a picture of the pants fluttering atop it. Inside the rocket were 15 concrete-filled canisters, one of which housed the pants.


Collette's revenge for the rocket ship was delivered to Kunkel in the form of a 4-ton Rubik's Cube in 1985. The cube was made of concrete that had been baked in a kiln and covered with 2,000 board feet of lumber.


Kunkel "solved the cube," and for 1986 gift-giving repackaged the pants into a station wagon filled with 170 steel generators all welded together. Because the pants have to be retrieved undamaged, Collette was faced with carefully taking apart each component.


What happened to the pants in 1987 is a mystery, and their 1988 packaging (concrete-filled tank) was mentioned at the beginning of this page. Sadly, 1989's packaging scheme brought the demise of the much-abused garment.


Collette was inspired to encase the pantaloons in 10,000 pounds of jagged glass that he would then deposit in Kunkel's front yard. "It would have been a great one - really messy," Kunkel ruefully admitted. The pants were shipped to a friend in Tennessee who managed a glass manufacturing company. While molten glass was being poured over the insulated container that held them, an oversized chunk fractured, transforming the pants into a pile of ashes.


The ashes were deposited into a brass urn and delivered to Kunkel along with this epitaph:


Sorry, Old Man Here lies the Pants. . . An attempt to cast the pants in glass brought about the demise of the pants at last.


The urn now graces the fireplace mantel in Kunkel's home.

http://www.gcfl.net/archive/20031222.html

[Gods_Peon]

One day, a bunch of scientists got together and held a conference. By the end of the conferance, they determined there was no more use for God. So, they elected a spokesman to tell God the bad news.

"God," says the scientist, "we have determined we no longer have need for you."

"Oh," replies God, "how do you figure?"

"Well, we can explain everything with science. We can replicate all of nature. Our knowledge is doubling every couple of years and we have laws to replace morallity."

"Is that so, you can create anything I have created?" Quized God. "If that be the case, are you interested in a challange?"

"Sure God, you name it, science can do it or explain it without you." Answered the scientist.

"Ok, the challange is to make a man, the old fashioned way. The way I first created man, from the dust of the earth. If you can do so, I will gladly leave you and all mankind to your own devises. Agreed?" God challanged.

"Agreed. Easy as 123 God." Accepted the scientist.

As the scientist went to grab a handful of dirt, God said, "Woah, slow down there cowboy. Get your own dirt."

[CCGR]

yeah that's a classic!

[satjome]

yup that is a classic (my pastor loves it)

[Atown]

heheheheheh all good.

[Flashon]

LOL agreed!

[satjome]

FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
Let's see if it's loaded,
That trains going slow, we can make it
ooh, look a cute little tiger. http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif

[Atown]

hehehe heres an old one : a blond walks into a bar and says ow! lol ok heres for a real one: in new mexico 3 guys after seeing a newspaper add for someone selling a gun they decide to rob the man with the gun. 2 guys died and the 3rd is no critically injured. heres another: in a county jail a man who was put there for tresspassing was pacing around his jail cell when he slipd on his own poo and hit his head on the ground killing himself.

[CCGR]

Six married men will be dropped on an island with
1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all
chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if ............. he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."

[Atown]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats the most evil game ever created!! jk, i dont believe anyone but moms are able to do all that.

[satjome]

AAAAARRRRRG! I'd go nuts trying to complete that! YIKES

[CCGR]

Top 36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Southern Man

36. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
34. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
33. We don't keep firearms in this house.
32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
31. You can't feed that to the dog.
30. I thought Graceland was tacky.
29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
28. Wrestling's fake.
27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
26. We're vegetarians.
25. Do you think my gut is too big?
24. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
23. Honey, we don't need another dog.
22. Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?
21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
15. The tires on that truck are too big.
14. I'll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.
13. I've got it all on the C: drive.
12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
7. Checkmate.
6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
2. You all.


And, Number ONE is:


1. Duct tape won't fix that.



http://www.gcfl.net/archive/20040113.html

[Atown]

YEAH!!!! there we go theres some good o'l jokes http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif. quick question how many of ya'll will auctually say "ya'll" in a online game??

[mrpopdrinker]

Quote[/b] (Atown @ Jan. 15 2004,1:27)]YEAH!!!! there we go theres some good o'l jokes http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif. quick question how many of ya'll will auctually say "ya'll" in a online game??
I am not southerner so do I really have to answer that?

[Atown]

yes u do. technically i aint sourthen becuase i live in washingtn state but its fun as heck to use simple terms such as ya'll n aint

[mrpopdrinker]

Quote[/b] ]yes u do. (puts on the goldmember voice) Shmarty pants. (goes back to normal voice.) The answer is of course no. I cant use simple terms because they annoy me.  http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif  Now Here is one to add to the list. Infact I think I will add a couple more. A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

[mrpopdrinker]

Quote[/b] ]A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Quote[/b] ]The Advil Commandments

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, do I have a pounding headache!"

And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

Quote[/b] ] Rabbi and a Priest Buy a Car…

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Quote[/b] ]Adam’s Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

[Atown]

LOL!!! good sunday jokes. and im srry if ya'll get annoyed by us common folk that aint usein complimacated wordys like yourselfs :P

[satjome]

WATCH THIS LINK!!! NOW!!!:http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html
clik on poke the bunny it's really funny i laughed my guts out when i saw this http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/laugh.gif HAHAHa

[Atown]

I SAT THERE FOR LIKE 20 MIN DOIN THAT. THAT IS THE BEST SITE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Atown]

if u liked pokeing the bunny come here to poke the dough boy http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/dough.html

[ToJ | Dead_Aim]

You ppl are crazy. I <3 the doughboy though http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/rock.gif

[Atown]

what does <3 mean?

[satjome]

EWW! GROSS!(but funny)

[Atown]

WARNING IF U ARE EASYLY OFFENDED DO NOT READ MY POST:







ok i just heard this joke and thought it was ok but hopefully easyly offended people are not reading. ok y are all the black people in the US while all the french people are in canada?






























We got first pick http://www.cgalliance.org/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

[mrpopdrinker]

If Bill Gates were Jewish


1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt."
2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVBs (digital video bagels).
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!"
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo" or "Mah-Jong."
19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."

[Atown]

LOL great stuff

[mrpopdrinker]

Odd Rabbi Out

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."