Advice about my friend who happens to an EX.

[wowAbdi]

Ok this is a long story but I could use some advice on this because I'm not sure if it would be wrong or not.

My ex and I have always been able to remain friends when we're not dating. After are last break up about 2 years ago, she started dating this other guy from highschool. We'll now she's pregnant and they've broken up. One of the reasons is he's cheated on her. That's the background info, without going into a mini story.

Up to present, she still lives at home. Latley her and I've been talking, and we still tell eachother we Love one another. Now I live at home too. But if I get this new Job, i'll be moving out in a few months. I always feel bad for her because of her situation and just wish there was someway to help her. And now I think I've found one but not sure how to best approach it.

Once I get a new place, I'm getting a 2br/2bath appartment. My reasoning is that I'll have a bedroom of my own, and her and the baby can have the master bedroom. I won't ask her to cover rent either, just to share the utilities bills not including internet.

My worry is that if her and I were to start dating, then what would happen since we'd be living togather.

Any advice and / or prayers on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Abdi / Matt

 

[Tek7 (Legacy)]

We'll now she's pregnant and they've broken up. [...] I always feel bad for her because of her situation and just wish there was someway to help her. And now I think I've found one but not sure how to best approach it. Once I get a new place, I'm getting a 2br/2bath appartment. My reasoning is that I'll have a bedroom of my own, and her and the baby can have the master bedroom. I won't ask her to cover rent either, just to share the utilities bills not including internet.

While I recognize and applaud the motive behind your plan, I strongly advise against it. There are ways to help another person without tying your life to theirs. Since your ex-girlfriend now has a child, I recommend cutting all romantic ties and putting a fair distance between her and yourself.

I won't go into a long spiel about the sexual temptation involved in living with a woman to whom you're not married. I could discuss the fact that you, as far as I know, have not fathered a child and are thus under no obligation to take care of your ex-girlfriend's child. There are many facets to this situation, all of which prompt me to recommend canceling your plan and finding a new way to help your ex--from a distance.

I know this post may come off as harsh. Please understand my motive is for you to avoid the suffering that is all but inevitable if you tie your life that closely to your ex-girlfriend.

Pray for her. Advise her to join and get involved in a local church where older women can give wise counsel and even financial help. Research and suggest local and state resources that will help her take care of herself and her child. Encourage her as a brother in Christ, but do not move in with her. That will set you both back.

There are older and wiser men and women on these forums who can provide a more convincing argument. I have only the passion of my conviction and some vicarious experience that single mothers whose partners have left them should be guided with great wisdom--but only by other women. Too many emotions and urges--many noble, some less so--get in the way of men trying to help.

If my post offends you and you disregard it, I ask that you pray about this situation and seek wisdom from mature Christians that you trust.

 

[Ember]

I'd have to agree with Tek on this one.

That's awesome that you want to help her. She's fortunate to have a friend like you, especially during a really tough time like this.

The red flag for me is "I always feel bad for her..." Not that that is exactly an inappropriate feeling, but it doesn't mean you should put yourself out OR put yourself in a potentially compromising situation.

It sounds like she has a place to live. She's not in need of that kind of charity.

What she needs is lots of support, and you can give her that without crossing into any "gray area."

 

[Kidan]

Tek and Ember are right.

There is a huge grey area there, and as we all know the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. What this means is that, we may start out trying to do somethin good and nice, but along the way, we'll screw it up somehow. The most obvious way for this particular situation to get out of hand is sexual sins. Remember, regardless of your marital status right now, any sex out of wedlock can be considered adultery.

But the theological ramifications of sexual sins are a discussion for elsewhere.


Of coures, if that were truly my only concern, I would not have posted as Tek and Ember point it out fairly nicely. Since you are an adult, I have no right to tell you to not do this. As an adult, and a child of God, you have the right and responsiblities to do things as you wish. A requirement of Free Will is that we are allowed to make bad decisions.

My prime concern involves the child. Children long for the mom/dad environment. That is what is natural and right and is God's plan. If you allow her to move in with you, that child will attach to you as if you were the child's father. Then because there is no permanent relationship between you and your friend, if she decides to move, there will be reprecussions on the kid's mental health. A 2 bedroom apartment is not hte biggest place in the world, and the child will soon needs its own space. What happens then? Do you get a bigger apartment? Or will she cut and run?


Now, to discuss some of the more interesting aspects of your post. You state that you feel bad for her situation. This implies that she has absolutely no control over the current state of affairs. According to your post, she was not raped, she has a home, she actively chose to have sex. This means that she must live with the reprecussions of her decisions. There is a fine line between sympathy and empathy. When we empathize with people we understand their pain, but realize it is their pain to deal with, and deliver aid only when they request. Empathy is compassion in action. When we sympathize with people we attempt to take their pain and problems onto ourselves. Sympathy is pity in action, and what you are describing here is that you pity her (or even worse you feel guilty over the situation for some reason). You pity the decisions she has made and wish to keep the ramifications from affecting her fully. This is never a good solution. For it creates people that expect to be taken care of whenever they screw their lives up.

While we can empathize with people that have done things to with their lives that we see as bad decisions, we should not attempt to shield them from the ramifications of those decisions. Otherwise the decisions continue to be repeated. Want an example of this? Look at the welfare system. For years it rewarded young girls having sex by giving them more money and goods for the more children they had. What this created was a generation of children being reared by children (or even worse grandparents) all at the coffers of the state.

Rewarding bad decisions only causes those decisions to be made again and again.


If you truly want to help her out, do not take the ramifications of the decision away from her. She now has a child on the way. She has to live with the results of that decisions and all that entails. The late nite feedings, the worries, the cares. She has to be an adult and a mother now, and nothing can change that. By relieving her of those burdens, you only make the modification from carefree child to duty-bound parent later and will make it harder on all involved, especially the child in question.

That said, you can help her shoulder those ramifications, without taking the entire burden away from her. Buy the occasional package of diapers. Call to give her some 'adult' converstaion (one never realizes just how glorious adult conversation is until one has a child, the ability to speak a whole sentence without referencing the Wiggles....but I digress).



Basically what I'm saying is that you can be supportive without treating her like a child. Empathize without being condescending. Come up with creative ideas to help her situation, not a solution to attempt to solve her situation. And yes there is a big difference there.





This is a very slippery slope you are considering with great potential pitfalls, including psychological damage to the child akin to what children go through during divorces.

 

[Gandhi]

I don't think u should move in together if your going to start dating again. I'm not against moving in with your girlfriend if you've been dating for a while, but u've been apart for a while and if it doesn't work out it will just create alot of trouble for both of u.
I also wonder if u want get back to gether with her because of sympathy, if so its not a good idea.
I think its fine if u want to sart dating her because u like her, but I think she should learn to take care of her self, and take responsibility for her actions.
Also I've known a few girls in school who had kids, and its alot of responsibility, and they didn't have any free time. It was school, work, sleep. And since your so young, I don't think u should give up your youth because of her actions.

 

[.se3ker.]

Like others I also feel strongly that you should not move in together. You can help her in many other different ways. She's expecting a child and that takes a lot of time and hard work. You will end up starting a "family" and you my friend may not be ready at all!

.seek.

 

[wowAbdi]

I know this post may come off as harsh. Please understand my motive is for you to avoid the suffering that is all but inevitable if you tie your life that closely to your ex-girlfriend.

Not harsh at all, I asked for your advice, I agree with your reasoning, and I appreciate it Tek.

I won't go into a long spiel about the sexual temptation involved in living with a woman to whom you're not married.

That's a mistake I'll never make again. I lived with my ex-fiancee 4years ago and there was alot of arguing. Eventually her and I broke up and this is the first time since Ive considered letting a woman live with me.

By relieving her of those burdens, you only make the modification from carefree child to duty-bound parent later and will make it harder on all involved, especially the child in question.

Thank you Kidan, I've never thought of it that way.

I also wonder if u want get back to gether with her because of sympathy

Actually Gahndi, I've wanted to get back with her for almost a year now. We've had our ups and downs this past year as friends and sometimes when her I were togather it honestly felt like we were more then friends. Though, now that a child is involved, I wonder that if my true motivations are sympathy. Never before I wouldn't thought about allowing her to live with me.

As for the home point. That's where I really feel bad at. She just recently turned 21 and is still living at home. She's recieving aid from the state through the form of Medicad, that's all the aid that Im aware of, and she's perrty honest with me about these things. She lives with both parents, and her 14yr old sister. Her mom has a variety of medical conditions, so I understand why she doesn't offer to much help. Her father works 2 jobs, on top of being a Volunteer firefighter. Her sister however, works on the pc doing school work for the most part. She doesn't really help out, and if she does it's because my ex probably promised her something in return. She's working just her one job atm, and when she's not working she's cleaning so her baby's daddy can't try to get the homewreckers society in there. And that's where my notion for this "good deed" came from.

I appreciate everyone's advice, and will follow it. Untill she decides that if she wants me in a husbandly manner, and she accepts christ in her heart; I will continue to pray for her. And motivate her to attend church every sunday (she works wednesday nights.).

Abdi / Matt.

 

[PapaToad]

I know I am posting late, but I feel a huge screaming red flag with this I agree with tek, there are a dozen other reasons why not to move in with this lady. But the main ones have already been posted. I advise you steel your heart and put some distance between you and her.

Good luck, I'll pray for you