Eldenroth

Amicus Dei of [FoG]

Amicus Dei of [FoG]

New Member
For those of you who are intersted in fantasy/fiction books, please sit and enjoy a preview of my book, which I have typed up... and retyped a few times... and then typed more, edited, and repeated those two steps until the finish. Then I must mention that I edited more yet... finally concluding that I was done.

I shall take book one of this series I am creating, Eldenroth: The Mages' Tribunal, to the publishing house soon, so that it can be made as a real paper book.

In order to preview it to my online friends (that would be whoever is reading this... obviously), I am setting out the Preludes and first chapters of both books, Eldenroth: The Mages' Tribunal, and Eldenroth: The Kingdom of Aran for you to read. Enjoy:

Eldenroth: The Mages’ Tribunal


The Creation of Eldenroth
(Prelude)​


A few selected men and women from Earth, who were truly much more than ordinary men an women, were once put up to a great challenge. They had found themselves gifted with a great ability; they could create the elements. These people were, in fact, placed upon the Earth to break away and create a haven to flourish without all the Earth’s problems.
The issue they faced, though, was that they lived in the early 1500’s and were regarded as the most evil of men by those who were actually evil themselves. These great men and women were treated as witches, and they were being burned ons crosses alongside those who were actually trying to be witches.
Eventually, only four of the original people who had been given the power to create elements remained. Finally, they were faced with so much danger, they were forced to flee the lands they had lived in for fear of being eradicated for this great power they had. Their only escape route, though, was to the ocean, so each of them fled by creating a path that disappeared behind them to the precise middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and of course by no coincidence, they arrived at the same time in the same place. Half of them were males and half females. These four would be the most important of all on a new land, far from the Earth.
They felt that they would be safe in such a place, and it was very easy to find food, since they could actually force the food to come to them. The paths they had made to get here were of fire, water, air, and, obviously, ground. The man who controlled the power to make ground (his name was Terrance, and he was from Italy) continued creating land when he met the others to make an island. Together, the others provided food. Flo, the woman of water from France, pulled fish to the island with waves; Sir Bernum, the knight of fire from England, cooked the fish with his flames; and Ariana, the woman of air from Spain, froze the leftovers for storage.
When they felt that they were not only quite sick of fish, but also afraid of the more common sightings of caravels, they decided to take action. After a night-long meeting that including many discussions about protection, they decided to venture out away from Earth as far as possible. They felt that they were somehow going to make it outside of the planet’s gravitational pull, even though they knew little at that time about science.
Finally the group concluded that the best course of action would be to build a small planet up, and send it off to space pushed by air and water, and then raze the islet they had been camping on for the past week, just so that in the future, it would be removed, and no scientists would question why it was there and find out about their retreat. This process seems like one that is quite futuristic, but it was foretold to them through their instincts. So they began to create what they had come to the Earth to create, a small orb with pools of water.
Of course, by the next day, it was not just a small ball with water. By that time, they had spent the entire night creating a large globe with small landforms. Most of it was water, but water would be necessary to have for an ecosystem.
Everything seemed to be going as planned, except that now more ships had passed within view of their island. Obviously one of them had seen the massive globe, because it put up its sail for nearly an hour, then when the wind turned to the island, it raised the sail again and ventured over to see the globe immediately. The four on the island did not notice it until suddenly they heard the first cannon shot. The soft explosion sound from a few hundred feet away alerted the nearly sleeping group to jump up in fright, and the huge lead ball went flying past Flo’s head, making her hair dance as it would in a gust. The cannonball narrowly missed their planet-in-progress, and even caused the seas (or puddles, as they looked) to cast up tiny waves.
The second shot told the group they were in big trouble. The cannonball came at Ariana this time, and she hardly had reacted with a push of wind when it hit her. It knocked the breath out of her viciously, and she hunched over around the ball and fell backwards with great force. As Flo deflected the next few cannon shots with waves and walls of water, Terrance tended to Ariana, giving her a soft landing on wet clay and placing a brick fort around her. He continued this fort until the entire isle appeared to be a small brick circle out in the middle of sea.
But the wall didn’t last forever. The cannons pounded holes in it with each blast. The front of the wall began to crumble, and a gaping shaft opened up where another came pounding through its weak spot. When the protection of their new planet seemed impossible, and all hope felt gone, Terrance had a brilliant idea.
“We had better put a soft shock absorber around the wall to keep the wall from being broken down!” he said, already creating a barrier of clay around the island’s wall, “To keep this clay wet, though, we will need a constant supply of water.”
“That can be arranged, monsieur,” said Flo. Before the clay covered the destroyed part of the wall, she formed a system of water through it, like a miniaturized subterranean river system. When the whole wall was covered with wet clay, the sounds of cannon crashes diminished. The last shot that was fired by the ship landed in the soft padding, making a sort of thud sound. Then when Terrance had mended the brick wall, they dropped to the ground and caught their breath.
Sighing, Bernum said, “What happens when more ships come across this bit of fortification?”
This caught the attention of Ariana, who had finally regained her proper health and liveliness. “Surely I can just turn the winds away to push out the ships. Also, I think that we need to take a nap now and try to get this project of ours up in the air by tomorrow. Then on Sunday we can have it up off the Earth’s boundary, whatever that may be.”
“Surely the ships can come by with their oars instead?” Sir Bernum began, but immediately Flo broke in, “Of course they can’t, I have the power of the sea at my fingertips! If any navy should dare invade our secrecy, they would be put to the punishment I have in store for them!”
“Flo,” said Ariana, “try not to get too out of hand with the vengeance. We are doing this duty for the purpose of removing the bad things in the world, and it is terrible to attempt such a task with the conclusion that power can be something to lean on. Besides, the ships no longer use oars, and if they tried, they would be unsuccessful, so we don’t need much to keep them away.”
Terrance, who had not said much for the past day and a half, spoke his mind, “I think that Flo and I shall work on this until we have built enough to escape the wretched Earth with it. Sir Bernum, since your part here is seemingly small, I give you the honor of creating the planet’s name. As for Ariana, you shall be the one who protects us. All you need to do is set a good breeze away from this islet on all sides and make sure it holds up until our job is complete. Bernum, aside from naming this masterpiece, you shall assist Ariana with the deflecting of ships by burning their sails if they come too near. I can build a tower for each of you on the tops of our wall now to aid you in your business.”
And so, the group prepared for their longest and dullest experience with this adventure. Terrance did as he was to do for Ariana and Bernum, with one brick tower on each side, and staircases to each. The two of them climbed atop their new outposts, and at first were surprised to find themselves unprotected, but then decided that they would scarcely need defense when they would have few ship encounters (if any) and could easily trot down to hide under the cloak of the wall. Every now and then, they made sure the clay was moist enough to absorb projectiles by pressing their hands into it. If the hand made an imprint, they continued on leaving the wall as it was, otherwise, Flo would be sent to restore its veins.
Other than filling the clay with its water supply, Flo was busy helping Terrance add to the planet. By their third day, a Saturday, they had come to the point where the planet grew its first plant life. Finally, Bernum came down to name the planet.
“Dramonia,” Sir Bernum whispered. The others, who did not hear his faint sound, went on with business until they noticed he was standing there moving his lips.
“What was that?” asked Terrance. Then after a while he realized that the only reason Bernum would come down other than a drink of water would be to name the planet, for knights like he are very dedicated to their tasks, specifically guarding.
“Dramonia,” he repeated, this time audible to Flo and Terrance.
“Oh! I see now! Well, I guess then that this planet shall henceforth be called by the name---”
“NO!” exploded a loud voice on the other tower, “I can’t stand to hear the word! Such words like Dragons and everything else you can possibly think of that starts with a ‘D’ and isn’t any bit good!” Everyone turned and looked up, shocked that Ariana would raise her voice so loudly, and even that she would raise it, for that matter.
“But why not?” Bernum began, only to be interrupted with Ariana’s continuing list of evil words beginning with the letter “D.”
“Devil, demon, darkness, death, destruction, doom, dread! Only a fool would name a pure planet after the foulest letter to exist!”
Bernum disliked this, and argued back, “Why do you resist this? It is but a letter of the alphabet! Those words just happen to begin with that specific letter!”
“ENOUGH!” blasted Flo. “We didn’t come here to fight and argue over a name, so let’s just settle this by saying that the name should have ‘E’ as a first letter!”
“Good plan, Flo,” praised Terrance, “All in favor of the name beginning with ‘E’ say ‘I’ now.” Three voices chorused “I” in perfect harmony. Everyone looked at Bernum, who had certainly not agreed. “Three versus one,” said Terrance, “Now, Bernum, name this planet with ‘E’ at the beginning.”
After a long moment’s thinking, in which the others accidentally forgot to get back to work, Bernum said “I can’t possibly think of a word that starts with ‘E’ worthy of this beautiful creation!”
The other three moaned and continued working. A few days later, and after many size increases of the fort, the planet-in-progress had finally gotten large enough to have its own noticeable gravitational pull (much like a large magnet to metals and other oppositely poled magnets). Once again, Sir Bernum came about halfway down the stairs of his tower (which was much too far to traverse the whole way without losing your breath), and shouted, “Eldenroth!” And so, the planet, Eldenroth, was born. Later, it was cast up through Earth’s atmosphere, under the protection of Ariana’s air spells, propelled by Terrance, who recycled and used the earth put in the fort and island to begin a huge elevating mountain to raise them off Earth. Finally, Eldenroth was out of the orbit of the Earth and drifted away from the solar system.
About six-hundred years later, when America underwent the Great Depression, Eldenroth had become as it would be throughout its first golden age and even through its first two dark ages. It had long left the galaxy, and along the way, it became entangled in the gravity of a huge star, around the Sun’s size by that time, which the inhabitants named Plasm, and began to orbit around it much like the earth orbits the Sun.
Its own satellites were moons had been materialized in similar ways to the planet, though with another generation of creators, the third generation of Eldens. By the time the fourth generation came around, the first Red creatures had formed on Ferralt. They were the Kazers, and they had formed as a byproduct of the evil magic that had been performed over the years, whether by purpose or accident. Then the first Black creatures, the Undead, were made by murders and deaths caused, also whether by purpose or accident. The moon they formed on was then called Necria. Now the planet of Eldenroth was so large, the star it had once orbited had in fact begun orbiting the planet instead.
Eventually came the twelfth generation of Eldens. Primitive medieval war equipment has still not been updated by industrialism, and creation magic is almost extinct in the Elden system. Asteroids have over the years collected in a sphere around the edge of the great Elden atmosphere, and with the right kind of spell, it is possible to escape the planet’s gravity entirely and virtually walk through air to its moons (which were created within the giant atmosphere). Also the Light and Cold Spirits have been introduced as the first and only White and Blue creatures. They are made of good magic by will of a good conjurer.
The Elden people of the twelfth generation were the strongest humans ever to live (especially since they have adapted to the extreme gravity of their home). And they had much to overcome during the first Dark Age. Fortunately, the good Spirits had allied with them in the First Dark Age, and would do so again in the Second. A Red creature was created in their generation called a Gyran, named for its moon Gyra.
The following generation, though, would be the one to face all the challenges when the second Dark Age began. By this time, there were five generals as leaders of the army under the Arch-king. Their victory would ensure that no Dark Ages would ever exist after the second one.

(P.S. - The book's formatting changes when I copy it to the internet, so it looks like I left out indentions... don't worry about them.)
 
The Gyran War​
The twelfth generation of people of Eldenroth awoke in the bright morning and got to their daily bustle. Many picked up the Old Elden to see the latest report on Ashibel Rose’s hospital visit.
Ashibel was Eldenroth’s most famous journalist who reported mostly on Eldenroth’s six moons: Diorb, Gentica, Plasm, Ferralt, Necria, and Gyra. For her most recent report, she had traveled to the nearest moon, Gyra, which resides in the rings of Eldenroth. Once she arrived, she and her surroundings were broadcast by telepathy on large enchanted marble plates called Teleplates all around Eldenroth. Everyone who had these small plates could pick them up and see the whole broadcast on them by simply tapping them, and it was free, too.
That day Ashibel was to begin her report by explaining where Gyra is in relation to their planet and some special characteristics of it, including its life forms. That day would turn out to be the worst of her life.
She started to explain, “Gyra is located in the rings of Eldenroth. Those who are on the continent Acenia may be able to see the moon in the rings now, unless Eldenroth’s eclipsing of it has already made it too dark. The reason I came just after the moon was eclipsed yesterday is to avoid melting in the literally boiling heat caused by being in the light of our star/moon, Plasm, for half a year. For the other half it will start to freeze to temperatures cold enough to make a Gyran’s exoskeleton shatter with the touch of a finger. Now that everyone knows the history of the moon, I think I’ll explain how volatile it actually is.”
She waved her hands toward her Teleplate (which only she could see, of course) and it changed angles to show the view just above her.
When everyone could see huge pieces of ice and rock, she said happily, “This is what the rings of Eldenroth look like from Gyra.” Then her tone became that of a warning, “The huge chunks of rock and ice have been known to wreck into Gyra and throw it into wild rotations or even pushing it, sometimes so far as to go all the way out of the rings!”
She was continuing her speech when suddenly she shrieked. There was a tackling sound followed by terrible ripping noises. In seconds, nearly every mage who had been intently watching the broadcast had teleported to Gyra to see what had happened to her. Only one of them had actually found the spot she was at, but, not to his surprise, another figure was in her place. It was a Gyran, an elephantine, red-shelled, clawed, and brawny figure that looked somewhat like a large walking human skeleton with its muscles wrapped around it under a lobster’s shell, and was slashing what the man could only see as a puddle of a dark red substance. The first thing that came to mind was “Oh no! She’s been bled to death!” but then he heard a groan from beneath the creature, and he regained hope that Ashibel would still be alive. The mage fired a plasma spell at the creature, but it seemed to only feel that like a slap on the hand through the rugged armor of his shell.
The Gyran turned on the spot and revealed Ashibel’s limp form sprawled on the grey ground, swimming in a puddle of her own blood, bruised, broken, and cut to an incredible degree. The mage thought of a way to avoid the same fate before the Gyran, which was currently charging at him, could reach him. In only seconds it was almost upon him and his spells of light, fire, and force were merely scratching the creature, rather than the intended killing or disabling. Just as the Gyran raised its clawed hands to slice him in two, the mage blasted it with a freezing spell, and it was promptly enclosed in a thick glove-like sheet of ice and halted in its place. Then after a moment where the momentum of the beast continued, the huge statue of ice fell and broke before the mage. He was saved, but as for Ashibel, she needed the paramedics of Eldenroth, who came and teleported to take her to the Castle Isle Emergency room.
After this event the Teleplates around Eldenroth had mostly shown arch-healers explaining that Ashibel was in serious condition and most likely suffering mortal wounds to the head, and reporting her recovery progress, if any. Everyone wished to see Ashibel on their plates again reporting more about the moons of Eldenroth, but that may have ended.
This morning, though, as the Eldens awoke to their news, the worry was no longer about Ashibel’s condition. Instead of a report on Ashibel once again hitting the cover of the Old Elden, citizens were shocked to find that the arch-king was engaging Eldenroth in a war with the Gyrans! In his address on the Teleplates, he mentioned that “They are close enough to us to leap across and ambush us, so why not ambush them first? Besides, they seem to not mind hurting us! Not to mention that this war was what you all surely wanted, to avenge your friendly journalist.”
Most of the Eldens began to believe that he was mad, because this definitely wasn’t what they wanted, and they didn’t like the thought of vengeance. They also knew that the Gyrans couldn’t leap over to Eldenroth, especially all at once. But they wouldn’t want Ashibel to die and they do nothing to comfort their anguish.
Millions of letters were sent to the kings of the Elden continents trying to convince them to forestall the war. Nothing the citizens did could stop the kings of each continent from following the Arch’s orders and assembling their continents’ military forces and drafting many thousands, mostly mages. People had thought of any reason to keep their family on Eldenroth and had attempted to get those reasons to the Arch-King, but the guards did not allow them to enter and the charmed walls of the Elden Castle repelled teleportation so they couldn’t contact him personally in any way. Also, their letters were burned as soon as the kings noticed what they were for. Sadly enough, there were even assassination attempts, but those were foiled also.
So now all the Eldens could do was stand on the sides of the main roads and watch as their children, husbands, fathers, and friends flew up to the sky with anti-gravity spells or teleported away individually. No journalists were reporting on this because not many people had stayed home; they were all watching the doomed knights float up higher and higher, eventually to disappear about halfway to the rings. Almost everyone knew that having the entire military force on a moon as volatile as one located in the rings of Eldenroth was just suicidal, and the fact that they would all be away from Eldenroth was dangerous too.
Even though the Kazers, who lived on the magnetic moon Ferralt, were too foolish to use its overpowering military on Eldenroth then, if they ever saw the entire Elden army on another moon, they would become the new kings in minutes.
The only thing that might be able to stop them then would be Enrith and his Spirits. Even then, the Kazers may have learned how to control or destroy the Spirits, and would still be able to take over. Enrith, being as knowledgeable as he is, knew exactly what the Kazers were doing, so he would have no problem ambushing them. He really wanted to do that now, remembering how they interfered in the War of the Undead.
In that war, the mages had gone to Necria to train themselves with magic and weapon skills. They decided to conjure monsters and special enchanted weapons to help themselves stay alive. This creating brought along the Light Spirits, which wear blinding bright armor under their white cloaks and use weapons and spells with bright lights. These fought off other Undead with the light as somewhat of a super-weapon, because the Undead were vulnerable to any source of brightness.
But when the mages died, their corpses became zombies, and the ones who had conjured Light Spirits now worked against the living mages and conjured Dark Spirits, which have darkness emitting armor over the black cloaks and use weapons that can go through things like ghosts. The Light and Dark Spirits basically balanced each other out, so the mages kept dying off, and needed more help.
This sprouted a Cold Spirit, which has icy armor under its blue cloak and uses its weapons and magic to freeze things in ice crystals and create cold temperatures. The first ones the mages made were quickly destroyed, so they all combined their powers and made a better one, which they called Enrith.
To the Undead, Enrith was the most terrible thing to come across. He was so stealthy and agile that he once destroyed a whole tribe of zombies without being noticed. The war raged on while more and more Spirits were conjured, and eventually the wizards themselves had all died or left the moon in fear. Now that the only beings on Necria were the two sides of Spirits and the other Undead, the war was dubbed the War of the Undead, and it was quickly turning into a war simply between good and bad Spirits.
When the rest of the Undead had been destroyed by the Light and Cold Spirits, the Kazers noticed the struggle and decided that they might join in and pester the Spirits. This was turmoil for the Light Spirits, because the Kazers weren’t harmed by their light. The Kazers helped the Dark Spirits learn conjuring spells, and they came up with a Blood Spirit, which has amorphous red armor under its red cloak and gets stronger every time it kills or destroys something by sucking up all the energy like someone would if they could pull the soda out of a can without touching it in any way. Enrith, who had become the Spirit King already, was furious at the lack of Light Spirits they had now. He used his magic to locate the Kazers, and with a mighty attack, he ran them off back to Ferralt. Ever since he has been careful to not let them move near any other moon.
Now, he spied using a spell he had invented called seer, which allowed him too see for long distances as though he had a telescope. He would use this spell often, unless he was training his Spirit army or in a meeting. He even had a log to record the Kazers’ military training times so that he could attack when they were least likely to be at the sword and bow.
Another report had arrived in the Old Elden. This time the military and wizards were working together to get a perfect effect. The mages got in between the warriors and formed a huge magical barrier under them to keep the Gyrans from ambushing from below ground. The archers continued to fire ice missiles, enchanted by the mages, to pester and hurt the Gyrans all at once. This allowed the warriors to strike when the Gyran guard was down. But as the Gyrans learned about the strategy, the archers were in trouble. The wizards thought that the Gyrans were too stupid to realize that they could dig around the barrier, so when they did, the Gyrans basically migrated around them like a herd. The only real notification to the wizards and warriors was that the arrows were no longer buzzing over them. They turned to see the ranger line being torn to bits like cheese through a grater. Immediately the wizards conjured ice swords and lunged in along with the warriors. Finally after major casualties to the Eldens, the Gyrans fled to get reinforcements for their next meeting.
Once again the Elden army found themselves between a rock and a hard spot. They had awoken to a loud digging sound surrounding them. They leapt up to get their armor and weapons while the mages attempted to maintain a barrier, although a few Gyrans seemed to be able to make it through and attack a few people. Once the army had collected into a formation and beat down the Gyrans that had gotten in, the mages were relieved to let down the shielding spell. As they breathed heavily and relaxed, the Gyrans closed in on them.
Being encircled by practice dummies was easy to sit through. Being encircled by Gyrans was definitely something else! The archers and mages were at the middle of the small group, and of course the terrified warriors were going to be in the fray. As soon as they formed up, and the archers took aim at targets and readied their bows and arrows, while the mages got together to cast a massive rubber spell that would soften up the exoskeletons of the Gyrans and make it easy to punch through the lines. The mages cast the spell at a large rectangular area in the sea of red shells. As the amorphous blob flew at the Gyrans, they began to dig underground to avoid it.
Just as they made it under, the spell exploded on the dirt. The holes which they made were now oozing down on them, so their tracks were revealed. Everyone dodged the pitfalls as they wound through the Elden lines. The mages cast this spell everywhere so that the tunnels would be harmful to the Gyrans’ hope of victory. As the lines came into the army they began to stab violently through the soft ground. The battle was a clear victory, since the Gyrans were all killed.
Now that they were defeating more and more armies of Gyrans, they were becoming more homesick every minute. It finally got to the point where wizards began to teleport back just to be home again. The rations were running out too, and after the month they had been there, they were beginning to taste good, which was a bad sign that they had lived off of them for far too long. All they could think about was home, and they began to retreat more often, just to avoid casualties of those to weak or unwilling to fight.
After so many retreats from battles the generals and men were too tired to continue, but the Arch-King wouldn’t quit ordering that they stay on the moon. The castle doctor was so furious that when Dalon became sick with a common cold he tested his sanity. When the results hit the front page of the Elden not many were really surprised. They were going to rebel against him before, but this proof jump-started everyone. In a few hours whole cities were marching on rebellion. The rebels had even gone so far as to make a new flag, which looked like a compass rose tilted on its side, because Dalon had designed the flag with a bowing falcon. Of course with all the military gone, there were very few police to quell resistance, so the rebellion was living on. When the messenger notified Dalon of the rebellion, he attempted to raise the security, but the castle guards were thinking of letting anyone in that would kill him.
What came to kill him wasn’t actually what the guards wanted on the planet. In fact, the Kazers were the worst thing the guards could’ve dreamed of seeing on the castle gates. To their horror, the Kazers were spilling over the walls like a thin, red pudding with silver plating. As the guards stood facing their end, they heard a terrible screech from behind. They ran into the castle to find Arch-King Dalon being violently stabbed to death by the Kazer Patriarch. They charged after the patriarch in vengeance. He conjured a magnetic rock which snatched their swords away. He walked toward them with their backs at other Kazers so they couldn’t flee. They pulled out spears made of a strong copper alloy which were made specifically incase the Kazers came and used their magnetic powers. The patriarch’s mace flew at them and they ducked to narrowly avoid it.
“You take his left I’ll take the right,” whispered one of them under his breath as they leapt over the low mace swing. “Now!” he yelled to the other, and they dove and rolled to their sides this time dodging as the mace dug a crater into the ground where they were. They ran around and ducked under, jumped over, or rolled to the side of his huge silver spike ball. One of them jabbed their spear at the patriarch’s side, but his armor, made of an alloy of many metals, deflected the blow and he acted as though he felt nothing. They continued to stab at him but still the armor was too hard to penetrate. Then suddenly all went black as they felt a sharp pain in their backs and a feeling of icy cold enveloped them.
 
Eldenroth: The Kingdom of Aran

Ashibel’s Story
(Prelude)​
Ashibel Rose woke up in the hospital. She had no idea where she was or what was going on. It seemed like she had just been on Eldenroth’s nearest moon, Gyra, when a Gyran attacked her. She remembered as though only a few seconds ago she had been under the slashing claws of the giant, red, lobster like creature.
A nurse walked in to see about her, not noticing that Ashibel was awake because she had been in a coma for the past 17 years. The nurses and doctors had long given up hope of her ever waking, and she had no family to go to if she did in fact make it out of the deep sleep. Indeed, the nurse had come to remove all the magic that was up to keep Ashibel from death, because of a meeting conclusion to let her go.
Ashibel stared at the nurse with half-open, half-dead eyes. The nurse walked up to her in a business manner, trying to keep a calm face as she was about to, as she thought, kill Ashibel. She definitely did not want to do this, but when the nurses drew lots to see whose job it was to let Ashibel pass, she came out with the shortest one.
Ashibel knew nothing about what the nurse was doing, but she thought it was an injection that she was about to be given. Ashibel did not like needles, and in turn tried to scream. Nothing came out though. The nurse sighed and slowly turned to Ashibel, sluggishly raising her hands to dispel the enchantments. She looked into Ashibel’s eyes one more time as she started to cast the spells, hoping her job would be removed by Ashibel waking up.
The nurse noticed Ashibel’s eyes staring back at her. “She’s alive!” screamed the nurse wildly as she saw Ashibel had been awake, “She made it!”
“What?” called a distant, manly voice down the hall, “What’s going on?”
“Ashibel is awake, doctor! The coma is over!” the nurse shouted gleefully.
“When did she wake up?” Doctor Ray said out of breath, now entering the door after running down the hall.
“Just now I think,” said the nurse, “I was just about to cast the dispelling charm on her life support enchantments when I saw her eyes looking at me!”
The doctor pondered momentarily, then stated, “We need a news broadcaster now. Where can we call one to help us?”
“Well,” started the nurse, “Jin Aras worked with her for a while, he will be very glad to see her okay.”
“Okay then, Jin it is,” concluded Doctor Ray. He ran out of the room and summoned his apprentice, who came faithfully zooming out of the nearest room to see what his instructor had to tell him. Ray said, “Go and fetch Jin Aras, the reporter. Tell him that his old friend Ashibel awaited him in the Emergency Hall of the Royal Hospital.”
“Aye, sir!” the little apprentice exclaimed, glad to be given a task. He charged out the front doors and teleported immediately away to find the reporter.
Ashibel looked around. She had just overheard the conversation and realized that she was in the Royal Hospital in the capital city, Norrin, of the continent Norland. She tried to speak to the nurse, who was simply watching her in complete shock. She tried to say, “Hello. Can you tell me what’s going on?” but she could only use faint murmurs and it came out sounding more like, “Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm?” and the nurse hardly noticed that she had made a sound at all.
The nurse heard the pit pat of many footsteps outside in the hall and looked out to see who was there. She saw that Doctor Ray, his apprentice Willy Neske, and the reporter Jin Aras. Jin saw the nurse and picked up speed, rushing into the room where he assumed Ashibel was resting.
“Ashy, are you in here?” he asked. He turned sharply, nearly sliding past the door in his haste. As he stumbled in he saw Ashibel and exclaimed, “Ashy!”
She murmured again, “Hmm!” this time audible to the nurse.
The nurse, concerned about Ashibel overexerting herself, said calmly, “Now, Ashibel, please don’t try too hard to speak, you’re in a very poor condition and the last thing we need here is for you to get yourself hurt again.”
So Ashibel looked at Jin, who walked up and gave her a warm hug. “Ashy, I’ve missed you so much! I’m glad you made it out of the coma!”
“Coma?!” Ashibel said, suddenly much more awake, “I’ve been in a coma?! How long?”
“Honey,” said the nurse, trying to calm her down, “It’s okay, you’re fine now. Everything is in the past.”
“But how long have I been in the coma?”
“Ashy, it’s been 17 years since the last time I saw you awake! I thought you wouldn’t make it!”
Ashibel was at a loss for words. She just sat staring at Jin. Finally she said, “What has happened… In the past seventeen years, that is?”
“Well,” began the nurse, “On a day seventeen years ago, you went to report on the moon Gyra, where you were attacked by a ferocious Gyran. This put you into a deep coma and you didn’t come out of it until just now. Everyone thought you would die.
“During the time you were in the coma, many things happened, nearly unexplainable things. To begin with, Arch-King Dalon sent the entire army of Eldenroth to Gyra in retaliation against the attack on you. This left our planet vulnerable to attack by the Kazers of Ferralt, and they indeed took advantage of the lack of military we had. They came buzzing down from the sky ominously and dropped down to all the continental castles, using large forces to destroy all our Royal Guards!
“Then Enrith and his Spirit army noticed the havoc on Eldenroth and came to rescue the planet from the Kazers. He brought back the Elden army with him, but their weapons were no match to the Kazers’ magnet magic. Then Enrith gave the Eldens weapons and armor made of a strong copper alloy, so that they could defend themselves properly.
“The two allied armies fought off large mobs of the Kazers, leaving but a handful of raiding groups left. Then they made their way hastily to the Elden Castle, where the leader of the Kazers was. His name was Patriarch Kazen, and he carried a massive mace that would end the lives of many soldiers before Enrith finally took his life a few months later.”
“Wow,” Ashibel sighed, “That’s plenty of events to pack into seventeen years!”
“Not really, Ashy,” said Jin, “If you had been awake it would have seemed extremely slow.”
After a small pause, the nurse continued, “And be glad you woke up just now because I was ordered to take away your life support enchantments.”
Ashibel’s eyes grew wide instantly. “You mean to say you were about to kill me?!” she exclaimed, frightened.
“I’m so sorry, Ashibel!” responded the nurse, “We decided it was time that we let you go… We drew lots and I ended up with the shortest one, so I came in hoping you would be awake, and you were!”
Ashibel said nothing for nearly an hour, still puzzled over having missed seventeen years of her life lying in a hospital bed, and nearly lost her life in the same sitting.
 
Jen’s Story Begins​
Ashibel continued living under care of the hospital nurse, whose name was Betty Amberlin. Mrs. Amberlin helped Ashibel learn how to walk again, and many other important tasks. Ashibel wanted to learn how to fight with weapons so she could defend herself if the need ever came.
“Honey, you’ll have to talk to a trainer about that,” said Mrs. Amberlin, “but first you need to learn to walk!”
Jin had come daily to do a Teleplate report about Ashibel’s recovery and progress toward continuing a normal life again. He kept saying “Ashy is going to be okay, everyone!” nearly every time because he thought that was the most amazing thing ever.
Finally, a year after the coma ended, the day came when Ashibel could make it around the hospital, running, with no support. She began taking acrobatics lessons and swimming lessons, and she even went to a magic school to learn how to perform spells. Also, she started working on her coordination so she could do things more effectively, like writing.
Ashibel even began weight training once primary magic school was over, the next year. She really enjoyed acrobatics at this time. Furthermore, she started taking beginning dagger mastery classes instead of magic school and swimming lessons. She wanted to learn how to use small, light, hidden weapons so that defensive arts would be easy to perform in a tight spot.
By the time 6 years had passed, she was an expert with daggers, and a very agile, strong, mage.
By this sixth year, a terror struck the coast of Norland, only fifty or more miles away from the capital Norrin, where the hospital was. The storm seemed to be a massive hurricane, but it was in fact much more severe. Rather than lightning, the storm spat firestorms everywhere, devastating the entire eastern coast of the continent.
Castle Island, on which the Elden Castle, the capital of Eldenroth itself, sat, was far from this monster of a storm, but still was affected by enormous waves. These waves pushed back the Royal Guard into the castle walls, where they would not be drowned by the colossal mountains of water.
The storm, called the Great Cyclone, was headed fast for Norrin, and would at any minute strike the hospital, destroying it completely. Before it reached the hospital, Ashibel was sitting outside enjoying the view from the front porch, until suddenly the blue clouds were covered by an enormous, ominous, black, evil cloud.
She ran through the doors of the hospital, and shouted as loud as she could, “Something evil is coming! We need to leave immediately or we will all be killed! Hurry, evacuate the hospital!”
Nurses and doctors peered out into the hall to see who had disturbed their work, and patients who could get on their feet and move peered out also.
“What’s going on in here?!” one doctor angrily exclaimed. “This is a hospital, girl, don’t disturb us so!”
Just then the entire atrium wall broke in and revealed a wasteland covered in fire just outside, wind blowing everything to and fro, the ground black and brown from the searing heat. The temperature rose sharply, and the wind made it seem like a giant space heater with a high power fan. Ashibel stood with her eyes wide, and ran to the aid of the patients who were immobile. She teleported as many of them away from the island as she possibly could and she shouted to the doctors to help her.
Many nurses stayed and helped the patients off the island, but the self-serving doctors in their desperation only saved themselves. The hospital quickly cleared out and all that remained were a few nurses, Ashibel, and Jin.
Jin was standing on the same row of tiles as Ashibel was. He looked one last time outside the hospital where the wall had fallen, as the rest of that room quickly fell apart too. He noticed that the fire was just about to enter the hospital, and he was just about to teleport away. Then he saw a large dark object rise from the floor of the reception room, catch fire, and fly directly toward Ashibel.
“Ashy!” screamed Jin, diving to push her out of its path. As soon as his arms hit her, she fell over and the flaming object, like a meteor, slammed into him instead, throwing him far back through the hall.
“Jin!” Ashibel shrieked, afraid that he had died, “Jin, are you okay?!”
He lifted a hand weakly up and crawled from under the large object, which appeared to be one of the couches, but now it was almost unidentifiable due to the scorching and crash landing.
With clothes on fire, Jin scrambled up from under the couch, screaming in pain.
“Ashy, save yourself! Go! Leave me here, I deserve no better fate!” he commanded her.
“No, Jin, I can’t leave you!” she said, rushing to put out the fire. She got to him and extinguished the embers, his clothes smoldering with large holes in them, revealing blackened skin from underneath them. He looked up into her eyes and she looked into his, and the last drop of life slowly seeped out of him.
Ashibel could not leave him to melt in the sweltering fires, and she teleported away, carrying him, just as the flames blazed up into the hallway and the rest of the reception room crumbled in.
Ashibel Rose felt a much cooler atmosphere around her. She opened her eyes to reveal green land and trees, with wildlife grazing on the luscious radiant grass. Nothing seemed remotely wrong. She got up, still holding Jin’s limp, lifeless body, tears rolling down her face now that the heat didn’t burn them away. She herself had gotten a burn from the storm’s fires, and sweat was rolling along with the tears.
After a long moment of quiet weeping for the loss of Jin, she looked around for any sign of settlement. She knew not where she was, because she had randomly teleported out of despair. She saw almost nothing, but there was a man standing far away, walking in her relative direction.
She called out to him, “Hello? Can you help me please?” He did not respond though. She shouted to him again, and still he said nothing.
Then as he got near, he started running at Ashibel and Jin. He came close enough so that Ashibel could see his face. It was an elderly man, but he was still in shape. When she asked for his name, he still said nothing. Apparently, he was mostly deaf, and did not even realize that she was speaking to him. He ran up to her and said, in a soft voice, “What has happened here?”
She looked at him, wondering if he would be able to read her lips or hear her from this range. She then said, slowing her talking speed enough so that reading her lips would be much easier, “Can you help me please? We were in the hospital in Norrin on the continent Norland. There is a terrible storm over that continent, sweeping across and destroying everything in its path with wind and fire. This man was my best friend. He did not survive the storm. Please take me somewhere there are people who can give us food, shelter, and a burial place for my friend.”
“Yes, I understand,” the old man said, calmly, “I can read your lips though I am deaf, so I know what you say. I personally can give you a place to stay up at my house. As for your friend… there is a cemetery down the trail from my house, it’s quite a long path. What is your name?”
Ashibel was about to reply with her real name, but she decided that things had changed, and in honor of Jin, who sacrificed his own self to save her, she said, “My name is Jen.”
He smiled and said, “Okay Jen, welcome to Kannick, capital of the continent Acenia. My name is Clyderan, personal assistant of King Mathias of Ascenia.”
Surprised by his position, Jen asked, “The King of Acenia? May I please speak to him? I must tell him of the evil storm!”
Clyderan was confused now. He asked her, “What is evil about the storm? How can you tell it is evil?”
“This storm is a very unusual storm, sir,” Jen replied. “Unlike a usual storm, this one has no lightning and emits a firestorm that turns the continent into a wasteland and demolishes buildings. It travels frighteningly fast over the continent also. I do not know what causes the storm, but I know there is an evil being behind the power. What else I do not know that is possibly a hundred times more important is whether it will continue and envelop the entire planet, move around the planet, or stay in place. Eldenroth will cease to survive if this wretched storm travels too far! I must contact the ruling body of our planet!”
Instantaneously, Clyderan helped Jen up and said, “Hurry then! We must find the king and report this to him! The planet must be notified!” So the two of them ran to his house, Jen still carrying the corpse of Jin, persisting to hold him until proper burial was possible.
As soon as they made it to the house, the Old Elden appeared out of thin air on Clyderan’s front porch. It was quite sloppy for the newspaper’s usual quality, and was obviously processed and printed by the ton in a hurry. At one glance to the paper, the two stopped their hurry and sighed in relaxation. The authorities did not need their notification; the storm had caught the cover page on the newspaper.
Jen could do no more than sit and worry about Eldenroth. What was going to happen to Norland? Would the so called Great Cyclone continue ravaging the planet? Would anyone be able to stop it if it did continue? She sighed again.
 
It would probably improve readability if you were to insert a blank line between paragraphs and break it into smaller chunks...I'm going to give this another go when I'm better rested and can form coherent comments!
 
I read the Creation of Eldenroth. I gotta say the idea is awesome. However, readability is an issue. Probably because of the formatting.

A few hints I found while reading some books on how to write entertainingly was to include the senses: smell, taste, touch, hearing, and sight.

Also, pick a good point of view. First person is good, or third person following the actions of one individual (can't remember the technical name... this is what I am using for my book). Without a good point of view, it's hard to connect with the character, something needed to get the reader to want to read on.

I also suggest to make biographies of your characters. Describe how they are... moody, happy, sarcastic, quick to get angry, relaxed. You can also describe what they'd do in certain situations. For example, if someone walked up to them and punched them square in the nose. Would they punch back, ask why they punched, cry, or laugh like a maniac? If you have trouble figuring out about them, you can type up an interview.

Can't think of any more right now. I'll let you know when I do. I might type up a quick "How to Write" thread. You can pick up the book "How to write a Dee-aye-em-n good novel." Title isn't good, but it has a TON of great advice. Some of it you know you should do, but don't really do it until someone suggests it.
 
tjguitarz said:
I read the Creation of Eldenroth. I gotta say the idea is awesome. However, readability is an issue. Probably because of the formatting.

A few hints I found while reading some books on how to write entertainingly was to include the senses: smell, taste, touch, hearing, and sight.

Also, pick a good point of view. First person is good, or third person following the actions of one individual (can't remember the technical name... this is what I am using for my book). Without a good point of view, it's hard to connect with the character, something needed to get the reader to want to read on.
Click to expand...

That's very sound advice. When I first started writing I always tended to mix PoV to suit my whim. I think part of the reason I did was because the fantasy authors I was reading at the time tended to use limited omnicient with multiple PoV characters a lot, while my own tendency was often to tell the story from one particular character's PoV.

I also suggest to make biographies of your characters. Describe how they are... moody, happy, sarcastic, quick to get angry, relaxed. You can also describe what they'd do in certain situations. For example, if someone walked up to them and punched them square in the nose. Would they punch back, ask why they punched, cry, or laugh like a maniac? If you have trouble figuring out about them, you can type up an interview.
Click to expand...

This is a good test for whether a character is 'real' to you, and for developing a better understanding of your own characters. I'm the kind of writer who has a lot of trouble 'limiting' my characters (which is very very important, because a character's flaws and limitations are far more important than their strenghs!) so when I do this exercise I often discover my characters are just too darned goody two-shoes.

Can't think of any more right now. I'll let you know when I do. I might type up a quick "How to Write" thread. You can pick up the book "How to write a Dee-aye-em-n good novel." Title isn't good, but it has a TON of great advice. Some of it you know you should do, but don't really do it until someone suggests it.
Click to expand...

Please do post your writing suggestions. This forum is all about learning how to write.

I have been too busy to read Eldenroth yet, I'm still behind on my class readings for this semester. Once I get caught up I'll give it a read. Thanks again for posting it,

Paul
 
I say I liked what I read. From my eyes there was three different angles to see the story.But when I read the last half the story it felt somewhat jerky like bumps on a otherwise smooth road. Can't point a finger on it either. Over all I smell sequel's many times over! Nice Job!!!!
 
hmm... interesting advice. I don't think the first book's first chapter was ever good (i redid it at least 5 times before i got remotely comfy)...
i find smell hard to describe, perhaps because i've lived a life starting with asthma and ending up so far in extreme allergies... so i don't have a good sense of smell description.
i don't think visual descriptions are too weak, since i'm a very visual person usually.
feeling - i have no tendency to desribe how things feel when i'm making up stories, it just seems unnatural to me to tell a reader "the shell of the Gyran feels like metal armor" when you hardly know what it looks like.
Describing what i see can be really difficult for me when it comes to creatures. I had an idea for the shades (introduced late in the story) being very curvy but i couldn't pinpoint the definition of their shape... i tried to draw it to help myself but i couldn't draw it either. so i just put something like "shadowy figure with a curved shape that was difficult to make out due to the color"
as for taste... none of them taste anything but food, hot chocolate, and Demonic red sand... so taste isn't a biggie here.
the sounds... i have no idea how long incorporating better sounds will take.

by the way, the sensory words are called imagery and the points of view are first, second (unused in most books, though my computer science textbook uses this now and then), third omniscient, and third limited.
i use third omniscient throughout the whole story, i think... the only first is in quotations...

slim, what three perspectives are you seeing? i try to do a sort of cenematic style point of view where it shows these people doing this and then these and flips between scenes in hot action...


things i've noticed about my literature in the past two to five minutes of typing this: my writing is like my dreams, vivid appearance, no smell, no taste, limited touch sensation, and rare sound. my dreams alternate between 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person (my view, some other person watching me, camera-like perspective watching me). My dreams are very random and amazingly hard to describe other than "well this one thing looked like this and it did this..."

Thanks for the advice (though i'm dreading making the corrections/additions)...

try to talk more about my writing style -.o
vocabulary would be nice, like repitition (i'm notorious for reusing the same word to describe about 50 similar things within one chapter, like the massive column of fire, massive fireball, massive gates, massive explosion, massive light, etc.)
 
Silly as I might be hahaha and as unqualified to critique as one might find. So this is what I sense in your words and please add what you know in place of my words. I start as a unbiased narrator,then to first person then back to narrator then back to first then back as a second view and a first view. I really don't know what the world would expect but towards the last I felt conflict within the reading. I really don't know If I make any sense. Please don't hold things to heart for I did enjoy reading. As for using the senses of taste touch smell and hearing its not literal its a feeling within. The Plot of the story is Awsome if that helps so don't do anything crazy...p.s as I reread the last I feel clumping if thats the word to use maybe expand it some?
 
See I told you I was not fit to explain what I say is something. I am unqualified to do so.hahaha..But I will try one more time. For instance the "G War" what is the old Eldon? I find this out further down. This story starts off in my eyes as a story teller then it shifts to the plot of whom is being spoken of. Then back to the story teller who goes back to explaining the story. the other part where I feel like the other view is where the teller seems to be a part of the story
Being encircled by practice dummies was easy to sit through. Being encircled by Gyrans was definitely something else
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. Maybe this is not a view from another angle and maybe it is but it pops up here and there. I can't say it is bad because I don't see it hurting the story at all. You are the leet on this since I was the d- fellow in english class and stared into space more than I listened hehehe. The choppiness aka bumps I felt is the lack of spacing, not in the story itself. I found this story nicely told and I would not take my advice or even pay attention to me. I just read and if its good I reread and if its really good I read it again. So if its any consolation this story has been read four times and each time I grab a better feel of the story and I still like it. Also just a question on your dreams. Do you feel the dreams within your head or within your heart? Sounds strange I know.
 
Forgive me for jumping in here, but I've had a chance to read your prologue and would like to make a quick suggestion for how you might approach it during your revision process.

Try this exercise: Think of your prologue as a waiting area where people are in line to board a roller coaster. In your opinion, what is it about a 'roller coaster waiting area' that would be likely to make potential riders excited or interested in the ride they're about to take? Here are some of my thoughts - first, the waiting area might be filled with other people who are excitedly chatting about how great the coaster is, as well as people who have disembarked and seem satisfied. There might also be posters or signs attesting to the unique history and design of the roller coaster. The potential rider might also be able to see at least part of the ride, to hear people screaming and raising their hands in the air. Through seeing and experiencing all of these things, they probably have enough information to reach a conclusion like "this will probably be similar to other roller coasters I've enjoyed".

Now imagine the absence of all these things except for lengthy signs attesting to how great and historically interesting the coaster is. Imagine a waiting area that is largely undecorated and isolated from allowing you to either see or hear the coaster or the people riding it - where nobody is excitedly describing the ride or even looking as if they care whether they board or not. The potential rider might very well decide not to stand in line for this coaster only on the basis of what the signs say, but to move on to one that has more potential to be a fun ride. This negative example is not at all how I see your prologue now - it is just the extreme opposite of what a good prologue must be and do.

One final note - a lot of fantasy writers have 3rd person omnicient narratives like yours at the beginning of their stories - Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series and David Eddings' Belgariad come to mind - and I would recommend finding a good, effective narrative prologue you like and comparing it with your own directly. How many of your senses are involved in each narrative? What feelings do you experience at various points throughout each narrative? When the narrative is done, are you left with some expectation for what this 'ride' is going to be like?

Paul
 
cc.slim said:
Do you feel the dreams within your head or within your heart? Sounds strange I know.
Click to expand...

i don't usually feel, hear, taste, or smell in my dreams unless it's a key part of the dream that something should be felt, heard, tasted, or smelled...
also if it isn't necessary for the dream to have color, i see black and white...

for some reason i seem to see bad or frightening dreams in black and white but fun or exhilirating ones in full color...

so if i seem to have no texture to my writing (i.e. i don't explain anything but appearance except at key points) then that explains why... i write how i percieve things in my own eyes.

some dreams will switch randomly from 1st to 3rd and in rare occassions 2nd person perspectives... it just depends on what is critical for the plot of the dream.
 
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