Writing assignment: Due 12/9 - NEW format, please read.

Please vote! Your vote is completely anonymous, and very important.

  • Entry #1

    Votes: 1 33.3%

  • Entry #2

    Votes: 2 66.7%
  • Total voters
    3
  • Poll closed .
dorkelf

dorkelf

Active Member
In accordance with some of your suggestions and expressions of interest I am restart the writing contest with three new guidelines. First, the duration of writing assignments will now be extended to 1 month. Second, I will no longer require you to pm me your entries - you may either post them directly OR pm me to post them for you anonymously, at your option. Although I fear that non-anonymous posting could cause people to (unfairly) vote for entries on the sole basis that they are written by a particular author, I have come to realize that some of you are just not going to pm me your entries, for whatever reason. And last, we'll extend the word limit to 500 words.

These guidelines still persist:

*Anyone who enters the contest must also critique at least 1 other entry.

*No spam or off-topic replies to the contest thread, except (within reason) when attached to an otherwise relevant post.


For this month's contest, your character runs into someone she/he hasn't seen in a long time.
 
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Entry #1 - Untitled

(Entry submitted by anonymous author.)

The pilgrimage to the World Tree was almost at a close. Travelers from all over the continent had gathered to see the sight where the once great tree had grown. As the masses mulled about the sacred grounds, Elsa stood by herself at the edge of the meadow.
She was covered in unassuming robes and wrapped in bandages, all so no one would know who she was. It had been nearly thirty years since she and her companions had set out to save their land from The Other and she did not wish to be bothered today.

“Elsa,” a vaguely familiar voice whispered. The voice seemed as though it was part of the wind and for a moment Elsa had thought she was hearing things. The voice repeated itself and she knew for sure who and what it was- at one time there had been no mistaking that voice.

“Other… Why did you come here?” Elsa glanced all around to see where her once friend might be. Her hands slid from her side to be at the ready on the pouch of spell reagents she carried.

“That is no way to greet a friend.”

“When did you get the idea that we were still friends?” Elsa grimaced, still searching for The Other. Old scars hurt and not so fond memories returned to her.

“We do not have to be enemies.”

“I don’t see it that way,” she retorted. There, Elsa thought to herself, I can see you now Other. “Why did you come here? Answer me!”

There was a long silence before the figure she was looking at disappeared. Elsa cursed herself for letting The Other get away. She knew that she was too old to capture him again, by herself. If The Other had truly come back, she would need her old companions to catch him- and most of them had passed on.

Elsa stood, with muscles still tensed. She surveyed the land again to make sure he had disappeared. Finally, satisfied that he was no longer present, she turned to leave.

“ELSA!” Before her stood The Other.
 
Entry #2 - "Snipit Chapter 2"

Team gather around the coach blared before blowing his whistle. I gathered a couple of basketballs and tossed them to Link the assistant coach and hustled over to the huddle of players.
Team, today we are going to work on ball handling skills and hustle with these drills. Baby hands take these three and Chairman and work on inside control, lay-ups on three and you bozo’s up here with me boomed Coach Carter.

Hey Baby hands that’s a basketball not a handful of teat shouted Josh as the rest of us chuckled because we knew Tim alias Baby hands worked on his family dairy and we knew he knew the difference because as a team leader he knew how to handle the basketball.
Quiet Josh we know you’re here to keep from going home and working with your daddy so we’ll see if I can’t replace what you’re avoiding growled the coach. Ok, you six work on doing the crisscross with lay-ups until I get back. Nathan, come with me the coach said as he turned towards the locker room.

Now what could have I done I thought, my grades are fine and I practiced hard at every practice. Nathan, I got word from Sally that you needed to leave early to go home and let me tell you that I’m sorry for your loss and we’ll see you when you get back the coach said in a softly. Also congratulations on the scholarship to Oklahoma University. Thanks coach, I want to play my last year in high school so I’ll hurry back I replied. Great now get out of here Coach Carter said as he slapped my back.

I chuckle to myself because hearing Coach Carter talking soft and how Sally is always looking out for us students.
As I enter down into the locker room I hear a familiar voice.
I turned and was face to face with my childhood friend William. I squared him up for he has grown in the two years since we’ve seen each other. You have aged well Nathan, he retorted first with his patented sideways smile. Look whose talking old man I snapped back as I went to hug him. Whoa slow down there Nathan this is a two hundred dollar suit and freshly starched and I don’t want it wrinkled so Here, lets see if you still have that sissy grip of a handshake. Now, working hard at the mill I have developed quite a grip along with upper body strength. Quickly I grasp his hand and give him my almost famous smile. Oh ok that’s has changed since I left as he quickly shaking off my hand. Nathan, I have an appointment that I can’t be late for but I just had to see you he said briskly as he turned to leave adding stop by Mickey’s around seven tonight and we’ll talk more as the locker door closed behind him before I could reply.

My minds starts racing.
 
At what time tomorrow does the contest end?
 
Sorry Tek, Dea and I have both been extremely busy and I haven't checked in to cgalliance for days. Just for your future reference, whenever I post a due date for assignments, they can be turned in anytime on that day, going by either your own time zone or cgalliance time (whichever you choose).

If you created an entry for the contest, I hope you'll post it. It won't be eligible to win but I promise that at least it will get a critique.

I am now opening up this contest to voting - keep in mind that contestants are expected to critique at least one other entry, and critiques from non-contestants are also greatly appreciated.

Paul
 
Man I have to critique Gosh Golly hehehe Hey hands down the first entry won this by a better format and with way better editing.How can anyone dis, for with what I see is that the no.1# entry is very professional if not a tad beyond! Man I feel beat up!!! hehehehe not!!!! hahahha nice job and p.s The Other, do tell or do I have to by the BOOK!!!!!! Also the way you started gave some background on what is taking place sweeeet!!!
 
I really liked how your story started. You're successful putting your reader right there on the basketball court, and also at creating a neat small-town atmosphere. I don't think the encounter with William was quite as successful - obviously William is a significant person to your character, but you're not really communicating with the reader why he is significant. I think you've got to have something to grab the reader's attention there, even if its something you didn't originally intend to be in your story.

Also a general note about your sentence structure - you do have a lot of run-on sentences. Actually I think it is perfectly fine to write that way - a stream-of-consciousness style like yours can really be appealing to readers. But I think you'll want to learn to go back during the proofreading process and clean up your sentences a bit. Its really not hard to do and you really won't lose your 'style' by doing so. Let me give you and example of how you might have neatened up your sentences a bit:

"Team gather around!" the coach blared and blew his whistle. I gathered a couple of basketballs, tossed them to Link the assistant coach, hustled over to the huddle of players.

"Team, today we are going to work on ball handling skills and hustle with these drills. Baby hands - take these three and Chairman and work on inside control, lay-ups on three and you bozo’s up here with me."

"Hey baby hands, that’s a basketball not a handful of teat!" shouted Josh. The rest of us chuckled. We knew Tim alias "baby hands" worked on his family dairy.

"Quiet Josh. We know you’re here to keep from going home and working with your daddy. Ok, you six work on doing the crisscross with lay-ups until I get back. Nathan, come with me." Coach turned towards the locker room.

You'll notice that I added quotes and a period here and there, deleted a few unnecessary words. Took me about 2-3 minutes, will take you longer until you get used to it but its worth the effort.

Paul
 
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dorkelf said:
(Entry submitted by anonymous author.)

The pilgrimage to the World Tree was almost at a close. Travelers from all over the continent had gathered to see the sight where the once great tree had grown. As the masses mulled about the sacred grounds, Elsa stood by herself at the edge of the meadow.
She was covered in unassuming robes and wrapped in bandages, all so no one would know who she was. It had been nearly thirty years since she and her companions had set out to save their land from The Other and she did not wish to be bothered today.

[snip]
Click to expand...

I thought this was a good start for a story; it makes me wonder if it is a short prelude to a novel or short story you've been working on? :rolleyes:

Your writing is very good from the standpoint of sentence structure and dialog. The main thing you should work on is creating more reader interest. There just aren't very many 'carrots' in your story for the reader - moments of revelation or interest that bring the reader a little closer to understanding what's going on. Creating a sense of mystery is a good idea of course - but by the end your reader needs to have enough information to make educated guess about who Elsa and the Other are, why they are having an 'encounter', and what will likely happen next. Otherwise, the reader doesn't really have any reason to care much when the Other is suddenly standing before Elsa at the end.

It is hard to accomplish all of that under a tight word-limit restriction, but its worth the effort to learn how to make every little part of your writing interesting to the reader.

Again, I think your writing is very readable and very good, thanks so much for participating in the contest. :)

Paul
 
And the winner is...

I'm way overdue to post the results for this contest, sorry! :p

The winner of this contest is cc.slim. Again. This guy is really taking writing seriously and his stuff gets better and better every time! I'm really very proud and very thankful to have him as a regular participant even when nobody else is playing along.

Speaking of that - why are we still having such little participation in this contest? Come on now folks - you had a whole month to write a short story on a very open and easy topic, and to leave helpful comments and advice for the writers. Why no participation, no entries, no votes? :(

Paul
 
Because - I wasn't around till yesterday. :)

Is this topic still needing anything done? (Like voting or critiquing - or dare I say entries?)
 
Both critiques and non-contest submissions can still be posted to this thread, even though the contest has concluded. Voting is closed, but of course you'll be able to vote in the current contest after it closes.

Paul
 
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