Subject: God's thoughts on lawns
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all
I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS;
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's
sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that
grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn,
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and
pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.
