Post your favorite jokes.

C

|CoR|Braveheart

New Member
OK, this is the official "post your favorite joke(s) thread" enjoy and make sure they are clean jokes:D

I'll start if off: a blond lady walks into a hardware store, goes to a employee and asks if she can see that PC and points to the right. hahah we don' serve blonds here! said the employee. the blond left, put a black wig on, came back, asked if she could see the same PC, haha we don't serve blonds! said the employee. so she left, came back with a Red wig on, asked another employee the samething and got the same reply. so the blond came back with no wig on and asked a employee how they knew she was a blond the whole time, the employee replied, because the last three times you were here you were pointing at a Broken microwave.
 
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I would love to share some jokes... yet it seems most jokes are offensive to SOMEBODY... so.... to assure i don't put myself in a place of trouble...

Knock Knock?
 
Who's there?

Oh... and ... A baby seal walks into a club and says, "THUD!"

heh. walks into a club. Get it?
 
Glitch said:
I would love to share some jokes... yet it seems most jokes are offensive to SOMEBODY... so.... to assure i don't put myself in a place of trouble...
Click to expand...

Just put a disclaimer before your post. Such as, "May be offensive for overly sensitive people."
 
Ok, so theres these two hunters in the woods right, one has a bad heart and the other one...well not so smart let's say. suddenly the hunter with the bad heart falls to the ground ! the not so smart hunter panics and flips out his cell phone and dials 911, the lady on the other line says, ok sir....calm down, first we need to find out if your friend is really dead ok? the not so smart hunter says k. a minute later the lady on the other line hears a loud gun shot, the lady says...sir? the hunter replies, ok he's dead, now what?
 
That was great Braveheart, I enjoyed it.

Every joke is offensive to someone. I heard a story yesterday about clowns who entertain people in different third-world countries. They have to change their routine every time they switch venues, because what people find funny and what they are offended by varies greatly. For instance, they were doing a routine that involved one of the clowns getting dunked into water...not the most offensive thing to most of us, but they tactfully decided to remove that gag when they were performing in a country that had recently been ravaged by floods. Every group of people has different sensibilities...its not always a matter of whether they are right or wrong to be amused or offended by certain things. Its more a matter of caring enough about your audience to avoid what you suspect might offend them, and to be humble enough to retract or apologize as necessary when you accidentally offend someone.

I will now conclude my above joke with a sermon:

Recently, there were three fighter pilots who were shot down and forced to eject over North Korea. One pilot was a WOW CCG fan, the other a MTG CCG fan, and the third was a POKEMON CCG fan. They all landed in a wide open field with a single large tree in the middle. Naturally, they all scrambled up the same tree to hide.

The North Korean troops arrived shortly after dark and spread out to scout the surrounding area, looking for the pilots.

As one of the troopers neared the tree, the MTG CCG fan accidentally snapped a twig. The trooper looked up, but the pilot said, "CHIRP-CHIRP". So the troop decided it was just a bird, and continued on. The MTG CCG fan jumped down and followed carefully behind the trooper, and managed to escape.

A second trooper neared the tree, and the WOW CCG fan accidentally knocked off a piece of bark, which fell on the trooper's head. He angrily looked up, but the pilot said, "CAW! CAW!" So he assumed a crow was building its nest there and he continued on. The WOW CCG fan jumped down and followed carefully behind the troop, and managed to escape.

A third trooper neared the tree, and the remaining pilot accidentally sneezed. The trooper looked up, and remembering how the other pilots had tricked the North Korean troops, he said, "MOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As the trooper continued along his way, the pilot jumped down, followed carefully behind him, and managed to escape.
 
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
 
I loved those... the soap stealer really cracked me up!

So I thought I would contribute:

A Bunny Story
==============

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving
down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road
and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man
quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying
lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime!
I have run over the Easter Bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another
car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The
woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man
explained,
"I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the
Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on
Easter, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back
carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny
and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the
woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it
ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another
10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over
and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see
the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in
that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray.
It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
 
A mother took her young four yr old daughter with her to church. A lady
was baptized during the service that morning. On the way home, the
little girl asked her mother why the man was putting the woman in the
water. The mother explained that people who were baptized went to
heaven. Sometime after they got home, the mother heard water running
in the bathroom and quickly went to check. She saw her daughter with her
dolls around her. What are you doing? asked the mother. The little
girl answered, "I have to baa-tize my dolls so they can go to heaven,
too." Then the little girl dipped one of the dolls in the water and
said, "I baa-tize you in name of father, son and holy boat."
:D
 
Good Clean Fun is my favorite joke site. Not only are the jokes clean and family friendly, but it is text only, and fast loading.

If you need a bunch of jokes, they are there... and cute. :D
 
One day, a bunch of renowned scientist went before God

"God, we don't need you anymore." They proclaimed. "We can cure many diseases, and those we can't cure we currently control and will find cures for. We can birth babies outside the womb. We explore space, we understand our minds. Any thing you can do or have done, we can now do or will soon be able to do."

"Oh, is that right," replied God, "I do admit that you have been a wonderful creation. Able to learn all my secrets through your steadfastness. I will agree that you no longer need me and I will leave humanity well enough alone if you can best me at one challange."

Intrigued, the scientists accept the challange "Anything you can throw at us God, we can overcome. You have thrown war and pestilance at us, you have thrown us into wars for your names sake and you have put us throw famines, we will over come your challange."

A little perturbed by the arrogance of man God challanged them "Ok, I challange you to something very simple by your standards, create man as I created man in the bible."

"We certainly will." With that the scientists went a way, studied man some more and the biblical text and talked many authorities on the subject of creation and after awhile they approached God.

"God, we have come before you to show you we can create man from the ground." So the first scientist grabs a handfull of dirt.

"Woah" interjects God, "wait a minute. Get your own dirt."
 
A Canadian, a priest and a talking horse walk into a pub one evening. The bartender turns to them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
 
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"...
 
"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."

"What trick?"

"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."
 
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