Due 2/14: Writing Assignment

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dorkelf

dorkelf

Active Member
Assignment guidelines: Your character got dumped last Valentine's day. What happens this year?

Submit your assignment of 500 words or less by posting it here, or pm it to me and I will post it for you anonymously. Everyone who submits is required to critique another entry. (Critiquing needs to be more than a simple complimentary remark - the more detailed and specific the better. See the critiquing thread for more details.) Voting will open on the due date and run for 1 week. WE NEED EVERYONE POSSIBLE TO PARTICIPATE in order to make this a meaningful contest for everyone. So please submit, critique, vote, anything you can do. GL and HF!

Paul
 
Oops! I forgot to do my critiquing last contest. I'll make up for it this one.

And I'm going to love this assignment. It's so open ended... heh... can you smell the ninjas coming?
 
Entry #1: "That really weirded me out."

Title: That really weirded me out.

I used to love watching Pirates of the Caribbean. That’s the movie I was taking my girlfriend to last year - on St. Valentine’s Day. And she dumped me, just like that.
We had a silly argument - over my shoes, of all things. I don’t even remember what exactly the argument was about.

I was very angry; so angry I vowed I’d never speak to her again.

So why - a year later, am I standing on her doorstep with two tickets in my pocket for PotC II? Well, that’s a long story…

My friend Arch told me something very profound a long time ago. He said, “Joey my boy, a woman ain’t worth the powder to blow her to bits.”
He was a bitter man, Arch was. I guess getting dumped by his girlfriend eight times in a row would be pretty depressing though.

Anyway, I was sitting on my bed stewing, after she dumped me. Suddenly I realized something.
There was Bruce Lee, standing in the doorway.

He ripped off his shirt and said to me, “Kid, I’m gonna give you the worst beating you’ve ever had in your life.”

I immediately turned toward the window - and Chuck Norris crawled through it. He climbed through, got up, and said to me, “Kid, I’m gonna give you the worst beating you’ve ever had in your life.”

Then Bruce says, “No, I am!” And Chuck replies, “You and what army?” And Bruce snaps, “Me, myself and I, punk.” And with that they leaped on each other.

I was rather relieved to be - at least temporarily - saved from a beating, so I sat still and watched them go at each other. It was awesome. Bruce swirling his nun chucks around - Chuck kicking them out of his hand - Bruce ax-kicking Chuck in the shoulder - Chuck wrestling Bruce down - and the fight went on.

Finally Chuck rolls away and gets up, panting. His eye is turning black, his lip is bleeding, and he’s got two broken bones in his leg. Bruce has a bloody ear, several assorted bruises around the chin region, and one of his hands look like it was run over by a steamroller.

“What were we fighting about anyway?” Bruce asked. Chuck shrugged. “I don’t remember.”
Then they laughed and started for the door arm-in-arm, with me watching in astonishment.

“Kid,” Chuck said over his shoulder. “Let this be a lesson to you - never let stupid arguments turn into big fights. It can cause injuries that don't heal.”
I knew he was right. I woke up a few seconds later and realized that it had been a dream, but some dream! :cool:

I went over to my ex-girlfriend’s house and apologized. Another Valentine's Day rolled around - and here we are at the movie theater. ;)

Shhh, the lights are dimming.
 
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Entry #2 - Untitled

The cold winter wind caused my overcoat to flutter. I looked around, feeling depressed. I remembered the last time I had come here--I had taken my old girlfriend on a walk through the park. I also remember what eventually happened that chilly afternoon...

I remember it as though it had happened only moments earlier. We had walked through the smallish park, trying to spot what little wildlife would come out in the single-digit weather. She acted as though she was having a good time, but the air around her was tense. She flinched when I took her hand in mine, and the impression was not lost on me. I pulled her aside, thinking that I had done something wrong. It turned out that she had fallen in love with someone else, and although she would be happy to stay friends, she would prefer to keep it at that.

I never saw her again.

So this February I strolled down the same little lane that had taken my heart away a year before. It seemed even colder today, and it wasn't just because of the temperature. I felt somewhat depressed as I kicked half-heartedly at a mound of snow on the gravel path, and I sat dejectedly at the first bench I could find. It was cold and icy, but I didn't care. I was reveling too much in my self-pity.

And as though on cue, a small break in the clouds parted and a single beam of sunlight shone through the dreary morn and landed on my lap. I looked upwards, and for reasons I cannot explain I felt a surge of boundless joy, as though my less than perfect memories has melted away like the ice on my bench.

I stood, brushed the dusty snow off of my coat, and continued on my day, happier than I had felt in a long time. I guess God works in ways we never expect.
 
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Ahhh! I'm falling behind! But wow, you guys posted quick and they're good! I'm impressed. I'll post a full critique once I have time.
 
Well, guess I should critique C$'s now.

ChickenSoup said:
The cold winter wind caused my overcoat to flutter. I looked around, feeling depressed. I remembered the last time I had come here--I had taken my old girlfriend on a walk through the park. I also remember what eventually happened that chilly afternoon...
Click to expand...

Switching between present and past tense?
Eventually sounds like you were walking through the park for hours and hours. ;)
"I also remembered what happened that chilly afternoon...".

So this February I strolled down the same little lane that had taken my heart away a year before. It seemed even colder today, and it wasn't just because of the temperature. I felt somewhat depressed as I kicked half-heartedly at a mound of snow on the gravel path, and I sat dejectedly at the first bench I could find. It was cold and icy, but I didn't care. I was reveling too much in my self-pity.
Click to expand...
Okay, by this time I felt like punching your character in the nose because he was such a depressing person. ;) Nice description of his mood.

And as though on cue, a small break in the clouds parted and a single beam of sunlight shone through the dreary morn and landed on my lap. I looked upwards, and for reasons I cannot explain I felt a surge of boundless joy, as though my less than perfect memories has melted away like the ice on my bench.
Click to expand...

You might put "appeared" there instead of "parted" - it sounds kind of strange. The analogies were again, quite good. ;)

I stood, brushed the dusty snow off of my coat, and continued on my day, happier than I had felt in a long time. I guess God works in ways we never expect.
Click to expand...

Perfect description of a teenager's mood swings. :) He's depressed for ten days and then just like that - some sun hits his lap and "WOOHOO! I'M HAPPY AGAIN!"


(Whew - done. I hate critiquing, as you can probably guess. :rolleyes: )
 
Thanks Laz--a good critique helps me improve my grammar.

Also, I can't believe I did that with the verb tenses. AUGH!

Okay, by this time I felt like punching your character in the nose because he was such a depressing person. ;) Nice description of his mood.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I don't like him either. That's why I killed him off in the sequel "Robot Calculator Invasion"
 
ChickenSoup said:
The cold winter wind caused my overcoat to flutter. I looked around, feeling depressed. I remembered the last time I had come here--I had taken my old girlfriend on a walk through the park. I also remember what eventually happened that chilly afternoon...
Click to expand...

Bravo C$, you used this writing assignment as an opportunity to transcend your normal 'style' and write something very different and very beautiful. I was moved by how your character is able to see God through the beauty of a beam of sunlight and how that brings comfort to him. This is exactly how God reveals Himself to me.

Your work reminds me that not all human stories have happy endings, but they do have sequels. Every one of them. And the writer of the sequels to all our stories has no need to reach any ending, because He never sleeps and His pen-hand never tires. He just keeps writing and writing and writing..

Paul
 
Bravo C$, you used this writing assignment as an opportunity to transcend your normal 'style' and write something very different and very beautiful.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I call my second personality that takes over when I write, paint, or play piano the "Soup Mark II".

time to pay up my end of the deal! It's a-criticizing time!

...which I'll finish after dinner.
 
Finish? You haven't even started! I'm actually grateful, though. ;)

A fictionalized version of my impression of C$'s critique:
"As I read your story, Lazarus; I felt myself starting to nod off. Some parts were so boring I almost cried. Others made absolutely no sense and gave me a headache. To be frank... I hated every single word of the 'story' you wrote and I think you should burn it and destroy any and all copies you may have made."

Dang. :( :D
 
I used to love watching Pirates of the Caribbean. That’s the movie I was taking my girlfriend to last year - on St. Valentine’s Day. And she dumped me, just like that.
We had a silly argument - over my shoes, of all things. I don’t even remember what exactly the argument was about.
Click to expand...
Small arguments can escalate, I suppose

My friend Arch told me something very profound a long time ago. He said, “Joey my boy, a woman ain’t worth the powder to blow her to bits.”
Click to expand...
uhhhh.... Okay. That's a bit... interesting... maybe I'm not seeing the joke :p

I was rather relieved to be - at least temporarily - saved from a beating, so I sat still and watched them go at each other. It was awesome. Bruce swirling his nun chucks around - Chuck kicking them out of his hand - Bruce ax-kicking Chuck in the shoulder - Chuck wrestling Bruce down - and the fight went on.

Finally Chuck rolls away and gets up, panting. His eye is turning black, his lip is bleeding, and he’s got two broken bones in his leg. Bruce has a bloody ear, several assorted bruises around the chin region, and one of his hands look like it was run over by a steamroller.
Click to expand...
1. Bruce would've taken a lot more than that
2. Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins
3. Chuck Norris has no regrets
4. Chuck Norris wouldn't have let him get away
5. Maybe because it was only a dream, but still
6. Chuck Norris ROUNDHOUSE KICKS!
 
Wow, C$. :eek: A scathing review. I should just - rewrite the whole thing. :eek:

Wait - one good piece of advice in there - I FORGOT THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK! *hides face in shame*

And C$, the joke was that Arch isn't very lucky with women. ;) (Fictional story, remember.)
 
Eh, not sure if I'm going to be able to punch out an entry tonight. Work's killing me, most of my free time is spent with my book, and I'm going out of town tomorrow!
 
Entry #3 - Untitled

Alright, I threw something together real quick. Heh, I guarantee you'll feel stoopider for reading this.



Ash (from pokemon) clicked on the TV. Images of Digemon and Yu-Gi-Oh flickered across the screen. "Stupid Japanese childrens shows..." he growled.

Standing up, he threw the controller into the TV screen and held up his hands and screamed like Tarzan, banging his chest. After a full year of mending his broken heart, he just then decided he was ready to get back to society.

He pictured her while he walked up the stairs: Vivian, the girl of his dreams. She broke his heart last V-day with a piece of shrapnel and a twinkie. The whole story left him questioning his identity, hence the isolation. "But not anymore," he said aloud, slipping on his 8-year-old sister's jeans and putting on the exact same baseball hat he wore for (maybe) 2 years straight.

It took him nearly 3 hours, but once he was sure he was looking studly, he slipped on his soft, hello-kitty shoes and walked out the door. Today was V-day, and after the horrid memories, he hoped to find someone special to share it with.

Breathing in the sweet taste of spring, he smiled. The weather was beautiful, despite the 'winter' label.

The second he stepped off his porch, he gulped. Out in the distance he saw the bullies coming his way. They called themselves the XAUEPM, the Xtreme Awesome Ultimate Extreem Pokemon Masters. At 5 feet tall, dressed in purple jumpsuits, and capable of ripping a copy of Reader's Digest in half, they were menacing. Darting for his life, he sped down the road. Get away, get away, get away. Just when he thought he was safe, the bullies jumped out of no where.

"Stop, punk." They all laughed.

"Leave me alone!"

"Or what? You'll get your little sister to beat us up?" They laughed again. The largest one suddenly threw out a pokeball. "Go Pikachu!" A small yellow rodent popped from the small sphere. It looked like Rosie O'Donnel crossed with a port-o-potty (shrunken down).

Ash screamed like a girl and ran away. The pokemon hissed and flew on his back. He screamed and fell to the ground. "Get it off! Get it off!" The commotion ended with a sickening...

CRUNCH!

A tall figure decked out in a black robe and a black scarf towered over him. Extending a hand, she helped him up. She was a ninja. He couldn't see anything except her eyes and a small strand of blonde hair.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"A drifter."

With that, she flew over me and did kung-fu and ti-quan-do and ju-jitsu and karate and dismantled all the XAUEPMs and their pokemon. When she returned, she hadn't even cracked a sweat.

"Thanks." I said weakly. "What's your name?"

She took off her scarf and smiled. "You can call me Princess Peach."
 
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