Due 5/1: Writing Assignment

Please read all entries before voting. Votes are private and EVERYONE CAN VOTE!

  • Entry #1

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Entry #2

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Entry #3

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Entry #4

    Votes: 2 66.7%

  • Entry #5

    Votes: 1 33.3%

  • Entry #6

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Total voters
    3
  • Poll closed .
Wait - I thought it was 500 words... :confused: Oh yeah, I remember now.

*conceals his knowledge about something that happened in this thread...*
 
cc.slim,

Your story was interesting. There were some grammar errors throughout (run on sentences in particular).

I had a little trouble tracking at times, but that's common for me when working with retelling of dreams.

I did like the weekend warrior message, however. It wasn't extremely clear, however, that this guy is a librarian.

You used a lot of, what I thought to be, filmmaking words (pan, zoom, etc.). That's not a bad thing, but maybe not perfect for a general audience.

Just my $0.02
 
Well, I got in just after the voting started, but I'll pretend I'm still in the running and critique Xian Lee's story!

First of all, props on a good read. I wouldn't be too worried about it being "a derivative of Fahrenheit 451" -- your story is different enough from F451 for it to be simply a work that was inspired by, but not dictated by, Fahrenheit 451.


Alright, on to being mean. Just kidding.

Xian Lee said:
No, it’s not the pages and ink that they feared, it was what these pages represented: ideas contradictory to the party policy.
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Ding Ding Ding! Tense-a-changing!
Bear in mind that anything in a work of literature is always present tense. No, I don't mean that all stories are in present tense, I mean when you refer to something in a work of art or literature you always refer to it happening in the present.

Example: "When Ichigo is fighting Nii, Nii comes to a realization that his honor is groundless."
Not: "When Ichigo fought Nii, Nii came to a realization that his honor was groundless."

So in the case of the above quote, it is what these pages represented: ideas contradictory to the party policy.

Also, in the case of the above quote, it does seem to change from present tense to past tense. You want to avoid that :)


My other question is simply one of storytelling semantics... I'm a bit thrown off by a guy who dies but yet continues to hear things going on around him. I realize that the First Person stops as soon as he dies, but it's not necessarily clear to the reader (it took me three times) that the narrator is no longer the First Person. Perhaps if you italicized the last seven sentences so it seems like a recap, and changed the ending to "They died. But for what?" it might be a bit more intuitive.


All in all, I like your writing style and I'm looking forward to seeing some more from you! :)
 
Neirai: (I will do two since my first one was quite short.)

It's too bad yours didn't make it into the contest, imo. Combine Jane's Firearm Guides with popup books, and you get instant fun. :) The memo itself was also very "believable".

Now, I'm off to head to the library.
 
Neirai the Forgiven said:
Well, I got in just after the voting started, but I'll pretend I'm still in the running and critique Xian Lee's story!
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Oops - that was my fault, you posted yours on 5/1 and it is absolutely eligible for the contest. I've added it to the voting options now, sorry about that! ;)

Hey, I have to say I am really impressed with the participation, the quality of the entries, and particularly the quality of the critiques in this contest. Keep up the good work guys, and don't forget to vote!

Paul
 
When writing my "Memo," I did my best to try to break all the rules of easy, forward-moving reading that I could. Hense, I used quite a few passives and such to try make it seem more legalese and less readable fiction.
 
Hehehehe ******oops*******oops*******oops*******oops* them dirty 300 hundred word essays anyways hehehe sry just had a ape moment! Nice job on the essays I liked all that I read. I really did like Xian's use of descriptive hehehe sry I guess adjectives. GOSH!
 
I hereby declare Tek as the contest winner - well deserved and very nice writing Tek, congratulations!

I will strive to get a new contest posted shortly. As I said before, I was very impressed with the quality of entries and general participation in this contest. But please folks, remember to vote next time. Only three votes in this contest was very disappointing.

Paul
 
wOOt!!! Nice job Tek! If I could figure out how to pat ya on the back on this goofy thing I would but since all I got is icons thingy whoppers heres to U. :p
 
dorkelf said:
I hereby declare Tek as the contest winner - well deserved and very nice writing Tek, congratulations!

I will strive to get a new contest posted shortly. As I said before, I was very impressed with the quality of entries and general participation in this contest. But please folks, remember to vote next time. Only three votes in this contest was very disappointing.

Paul
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Sorry about that. I never got enough time to come back and read all of the entries, and I couldn't vote without doing so. :oops:
 
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