Annath
New Member
So, I'm having to power through a lot of anxieties just to post this, and I don't know why I feel the need to say that, or something. My brain is everywhere.
I need prayer. Badly. My personal life is a screaming, fiery train wreck right now and I have no idea what to do. I've been experiencing severe depression lately, and a ton of anxiety.
Basically, I have been really resentful and scattered in regards to my spiritual life for the past couple of years. I don't know when I started spiraling downward, but I started feeling like I was somehow separated from God, and like he wasn't hearing or saying anything to me. Every time my parents dragged me to Church I felt resentful about it, and they wouldn't stop making me go until I turned 18. So fast forward to me starting school last year six hours away from home... and I immediately stopped going. I spent all last year out of Church and separate from God. I felt like he abandoned me, and that there was no reason to continue going, I suppose. I did a lot of dumb stuff as well, fell to a lot of temptation, and got into what can only be described as a really terrible relationship. It was pretty bad, and only worsened my depression and spiritual situation. Jumping forward to this year, I have an incredibly light semester, a dorm to myself, and none of my friends, including my "It's Complicated" from last year, are able to return to school, leaving me alone with almost nothing to do.
So I finally turned back to God. I was about to have a mental breakdown talking to my mom on the phone, walking around campus aimlessly, and she suggested for the millionth time that I go to the BCM's tuesday night worship thing. At that point I was so distraut that I was willing to do anything, and I looked up and found myself outside the BCM, five minutes before it was supposed to start. That part, I suppose, is a huge praise report. I went there and I've been able to survive a bit better.
But not much. I'm dealing with severe anxiety, especially in social aspects, and my depression is getting worse and worse. I'm spending upward of five hours a day alone in my room, with no one to talk to and nothing to do. I'm so terrified of people, however, that I won't even talk to my teachers or a tutor when I need help with a class because I find the concept so terrifying. I can't help but feel this overwhelming desire to quit everything, but at the same time I've got this searing anxiety that if I do my life will be ruined. I think about killing myself multiple times just about every day, although I don't think that I'd ever succumb to them; I'm too afraid of death.
Now that I'm turning back to God I've been praying more and I've been going to church and the BCM, and seeing a couple people there, but I still feel like I'm sliding further and further into this pit, and that's why I feel like I need prayer, and support. I want to put my life in God's hands, but so often I feel like I have to fight my own brain to do that. I don't understand how people can be so on fire sometimes, when I have to force myself just to want to go to church.
I used to be so excited about where I was going with my life, and now I'm afraid, uncertain, and finding it hard to move forward. All the people I'd normally open up to all have their own lives to deal with, and I'm afraid to talk to them because I don't want to dump my problems on them. Right now, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and every bone in my body is shrieking and screaming at me not to open up to you all.
So I suppose the only thing left is to say again that I need prayer. I want to do the right things, and I want to get right with God, but it is so hard when all I can think about at times is how much would be solved if I just jumped off a building or shot myself, even though I don't think I could ever do that.
I need prayer. Badly. My personal life is a screaming, fiery train wreck right now and I have no idea what to do. I've been experiencing severe depression lately, and a ton of anxiety.
Basically, I have been really resentful and scattered in regards to my spiritual life for the past couple of years. I don't know when I started spiraling downward, but I started feeling like I was somehow separated from God, and like he wasn't hearing or saying anything to me. Every time my parents dragged me to Church I felt resentful about it, and they wouldn't stop making me go until I turned 18. So fast forward to me starting school last year six hours away from home... and I immediately stopped going. I spent all last year out of Church and separate from God. I felt like he abandoned me, and that there was no reason to continue going, I suppose. I did a lot of dumb stuff as well, fell to a lot of temptation, and got into what can only be described as a really terrible relationship. It was pretty bad, and only worsened my depression and spiritual situation. Jumping forward to this year, I have an incredibly light semester, a dorm to myself, and none of my friends, including my "It's Complicated" from last year, are able to return to school, leaving me alone with almost nothing to do.
So I finally turned back to God. I was about to have a mental breakdown talking to my mom on the phone, walking around campus aimlessly, and she suggested for the millionth time that I go to the BCM's tuesday night worship thing. At that point I was so distraut that I was willing to do anything, and I looked up and found myself outside the BCM, five minutes before it was supposed to start. That part, I suppose, is a huge praise report. I went there and I've been able to survive a bit better.
But not much. I'm dealing with severe anxiety, especially in social aspects, and my depression is getting worse and worse. I'm spending upward of five hours a day alone in my room, with no one to talk to and nothing to do. I'm so terrified of people, however, that I won't even talk to my teachers or a tutor when I need help with a class because I find the concept so terrifying. I can't help but feel this overwhelming desire to quit everything, but at the same time I've got this searing anxiety that if I do my life will be ruined. I think about killing myself multiple times just about every day, although I don't think that I'd ever succumb to them; I'm too afraid of death.
Now that I'm turning back to God I've been praying more and I've been going to church and the BCM, and seeing a couple people there, but I still feel like I'm sliding further and further into this pit, and that's why I feel like I need prayer, and support. I want to put my life in God's hands, but so often I feel like I have to fight my own brain to do that. I don't understand how people can be so on fire sometimes, when I have to force myself just to want to go to church.
I used to be so excited about where I was going with my life, and now I'm afraid, uncertain, and finding it hard to move forward. All the people I'd normally open up to all have their own lives to deal with, and I'm afraid to talk to them because I don't want to dump my problems on them. Right now, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and every bone in my body is shrieking and screaming at me not to open up to you all.
So I suppose the only thing left is to say again that I need prayer. I want to do the right things, and I want to get right with God, but it is so hard when all I can think about at times is how much would be solved if I just jumped off a building or shot myself, even though I don't think I could ever do that.
