Some poetry...

G

Geozagor

New Member
To start... something simple, and short...

Though gentle falls the leaf,
Still there's always grief,
In the parting, in the passing,
Till we meet in Everlasting.

SOON, SOON...


Hope you like it, gents and ladies,
 
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How about something else...hmm...

In the joyous and the sloemn hugs,
The welcome mats, the hallways rugs,
The smells of bread and of bar-b-que,
The cakes with candles, the chili-stew,
The kisses on cheeks, the tender smiles,
The dirty dishes and the laundry piles,
We are blessed by each precious memory,
Bound by an ever hopeful love and family.

THAT OUR DREAMS MAY BE
TREASURED AND HAPPY
 
Geozagor said:
How about something else...hmm...

In the joyous and the sloemn hugs,
The welcome mats, the hallways rugs,
The smells of bread and of bar-b-que,
The cakes with candles, the chili-stew,
The kisses on cheeks, the tender smiles,
The dirty dishes and the laundry piles,
We are blessed by each precious memory,
Bound by an ever hopeful love and family.

THAT OUR DREAMS MAY BE
TREASURED AND HAPPY
Click to expand...

I do like your poetry - thanks for sharing it!

One think you might consider in the above poem is to consider the 'rhythm' of weak and then strong beats, and perhaps try to make it more consistent. Here's how you start out:

inthe JOYous AND the SOLemn HUGS,
the WELcome MATS, the HALLways RUGS,
the SMELLS of BREAD andof BAR-b-QUE,
the CAKES with CAN- dlesthe CHIL-i-STEW

This is a nice structure of consistent weak and then strong beats, with occasional groupings of two fast-weak beats at a time (like eighth notes in music as opposed to quarter notes). I think it would be great if you could find a way for this rhythm to persist throughout your poem.

Paul
 
Dorkelf... perfect criticism...
Exactly what I am looking for... :cool:

I can make the changes - however, I need to learn to "see" the notes better.
For the most part, I simply wing it. (I will post more soon - for critique, etc)
 
For now, dismissing prior commentary critiques (and thus the need for correction) for a more dominant purpose: expression... a few more poems.

(an oldy, from more pimply days)

Today amidst the crowds and crews
I heard a different sort of news
They say a man not half my age
Rode in to town inside a cage
Four vassal beside him, in usual attire
Some asked them, Sirs what of your Sire
Well the bondmen replied in calmest od measure
A story of wonder to the crowds good pleasure
"Well, along he was walking, when by a Test
Who laughing and juanting did our master inquest
Well, this Test he did take of our master a pact
And measured one out as a matter of fact
A lesson of learning our Sire would earn
If he would teach others that they might decern
The lesson is this simple and true...
Any oath you make, makes an oaf of you."

OF OATHES AND OAFS
 
One day we shall gain new sight
And all the multi-threaded linkages of belief
Will surface, rising to the Light
Altering us in but a moment, offering relief.

ONE DAY
 
When someone wishes you to divulge
The full measure of what you believe
Ask, what gives them such priveledge
And what they seek then to achieve
Prying greedily through another's depths
Agressively disecting their fellow's soul
Discontent in counting their own breathes
Would they gladly swallow a brother whole?

FIRST THE WHY, THEN PERHAPS
 
That's what's most important - expression. If your poem something to you, in your heart, then the reader can easily get past minor obstacles like grammar or rhythm. Great work, thanks for sharing,

Paul
 
how about some instruction in the art of "huntsmanship"...

If thou wishest to domesticate Aphrodite's hart
Thy eyes and wits must dart just as swiftly
Thy will must be sacred, defiant from the start
Turning thy colors to one, regardless what rift be
Standing between thee and thy heavenly prize
Give no place to doubt, nor dainties of any sort
"Be to her known, and to thy own self disguised."
And in a fair season she will harbor at thy port

SEIZE THE MOMENTS FREE
 
hmm... something that might interest dorkelf... /lol...
more lessons about dealings with the fairer sex - perhaps...

A man can only defeat a woman by doing
And though he may have won her by wooing
He will not keep her by pursuing, but by renewing

THEY EVADE IN THE HOPES
OF BEING "RIGHTLY" CAUGHT

an alternate title...MUCH ADO ABOUT WOMEN ;p
 
Geozagor said:
How about something else...hmm...

In the joyous and the sloemn hugs,
The welcome mats, the hallways rugs,
The smells of bread and of bar-b-que,
The cakes with candles, the chili-stew,
The kisses on cheeks, the tender smiles,
The dirty dishes and the laundry piles,
We are blessed by each precious memory,
Bound by an ever hopeful love and family.

THAT OUR DREAMS MAY BE
TREASURED AND HAPPY
Click to expand...

The only thing i would mention to ya is, not to use the same type of ryming scheme all through the poem. This is a basic type of rhyming scheme. I would suggest (and i think dork elf hit this a little) a ryme scheme within a line, or.... well all i can say, is just to focus on how the poem flows. I'm very bad at explaining what i mean.... without talking.... sooo.....
 
My second oldest bless his heart made a note about using Abba or aabb and abab which showed me another aspect to poems but I like to use sounds as if humming to myself with what I have inside.The one glitch pointed out I read and I did like and I feel it could carry on to sumthin more. Tough stuff poetry and I am still experimenting with it, why I have no clue but I do. Flow with the ryme, keep it in time, laugh when u must, cry when its due but most of all keep it U. AABB
 
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