Writing Contest: Due June 5

Vote for your favorite entry! Voting is anonymous and open to EVERYONE

  • Entry #1 - Laz

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Entry #2 - cc.slim

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Entry #3 - Nerai

    Votes: 3 100.0%
  • Total voters
    3
  • Poll closed .
dorkelf

dorkelf

Active Member
We're going to do this one a little differently. Below is posted the beginning of a story. Your assignment is to continue the story by describing at least one humorous, mysterious or dramatic event following Kevin's discovery of the printout. The event does not have to explain to the reader what the printout is, nor does it have to complete the story. It does need to fit into the general style of a short story or novel. You are free to re-write the story beginning if you want to customize the style and approach of the story, as long as you stick to the basic idea that Kevin wakes up to find a mysterious printout in his Wireless Network Printer. :cool:

Other rules: Your entry must be contained within the span of a single post (no word limit). Also, every contestant who enters is now required to not only critique but also vote in the contest. If you don't think you'll have the time to read all the entries and cast a vote for your favorite, you're still welcome to post your entry as a non-contest entry - just be sure to make it clear in your post that you are not submitting an official entry. Any other questions? Don't wait until after the submission deadline to ask - pm me and I'll be glad to help. Happy writing!

Paul
 
The best dreams were always early in the morning, and always interrupted by the powerup of his wireless networked color laser printer. At that point, Kevin usually entered a half-dream state. The events of the dream still persisted, but with whirling and clicking sounds screaming and buzzing like some kind of lack-of-reality alarm. This was often an intense disappointment. This morning, Kevin had been lounging on a chair on a beach in his dream, his brand new brick-red Hummer parked behind him. Behind it, a giant cliff had risen far into the sky. It was a great thing about dreams, that he was able to simultaneously take in the deep blue water of the sea, the rising majesty of the cliff face, the deep blue sky, the salty breeze. Then there was the whirling of the printer. He looked accusingly at the Hummer at that point. The dream had cheated him into believing he could actually own and enjoy something that was so wildly far from any potential economic reality for him. The page began to feed. Kevin resisted what he knew he had to do. He remained on the chair, focused his attention away from everything but the sea. The sea. The sea.

It only lasted a moment. The reality of the feeding page was that he only had a single hour before work. He had to get up.

Kevin sat up in bed, stretched his legs, resisted the temptation to let his head fall back - just for a few minutes, to re-enter the dream and feel a little better rested. But nobody would be around to wake him if he overslept. He might miss his shower, which would leave him feeling miserable and sweaty all day. He got up, grabbed the page, and a thought entered his mind. Surely, it would work. There was no way he could really fall back asleep that way...

Kevin returned to bed, stuck the paper on top of his pillow, and put his head down on top of it. The soft crinkling of it under his ear was his link to reality as he drifted back into the dream world. There he was now, on the
beach, but this time he faced the cliff. There was no more Hummer - that delusion had been a casualty of the crashing wave of reality. But he would climb the cliff. He'd been thinking about climbing it, during the entire dream, but had been too lazy, too lulled by the ocean. Now he would climb it, within five or ten minutes, leaving plenty of time to get ready.

Another distraction. This time, it was the paper. Too hot, and with the strong smell of toner. The printer had been set to print a blank page - that was his alarm clock. But the page lying partially crumpled beneath his head was not blank.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kevin picked up the paper and held it over his head, staring at it.
The words leaped off the page at him.
GC escaped from convoy - believed to be heading for dam control center.

He banged his fist on the bed and leaped out, reaching for the clothes hanging on his chair.
"No time for a shower today..."

Kevin threw on his clothes and ran downstairs, grabbing an energy bar on his way out the door. He jumped in his old Buick, then realized the keys were in his other pants.
"Oh for Pete's sake.."

Retrieving the keys, Kevin drove off. He picked up his radio mic.
"Officer Del heading for the dam, dispatch."
"I'll call ya in." the dispatcher told him, snapping her gum.

Kevin drove at the speed limit all the way there, keeping a close eye out for any black sedans. He parked in the lot and jumped out, glancing around.

There. Alone in the middle of the lot about two hundred yards away was GC's black sedan.
Reaching inside his car for the radio, Kevin spoke slowly.
"Target's vehicle spotted. I'm at the dam. Copy?"
"Roger that, Del." the chief responded. "Backup incoming - disable the sedan and move in, but be careful!"

Kevin put down the mic and slid his Glock into his left hand, walking slowly toward the sedan. He turned his head frequently, scanning the area.

He reached the car and crouched by the back tire.
Kevin pulled a knife out of his pocket and jabbed the blade deeply into the dark black rubber of the tire. Air hissed out in a steady stream.
He moved around to the other tires, puncturing them. The sedan sank down lower on the ground.

Kevin gripped his Glock with both hands and moved slowly toward the control room.
He came to the entrance and stopped. A small cardboard box was sitting in front of the double-doors.

Carefully, Kevin reached down and pulled open one of the flaps.
He was staring at the top of a bomb.
The door swung open and Kevin felt a sudden shock of cold metal pressing against his forehead.
"Set your Glock down - slowly."
The pistol thudded onto the ground. Kevin raised his head and stared into the muzzle of the Skorpion machine pistol.

"You can't get away, Coleman." he said with a surge of anger. "You've finally lost."
The midget reached down and pressed a button on the side of the bomb.
"I don't need to get away - the dam is already opened, and your facility is about to be flooded under ten million gallons of water."
He chuckled mirthlessly, shaking his head. "So Kevin, I'm afraid - that you lose."

His Skorpion came up. Kevin stared at it, the realization dawning in his mind.
"NO!"
He lunged, trying to get his hands on the weapon.
The machine pistol blasted. Kevin closed his eyes instinctively from the flash. A jolt of pain shot through his chest.
He felt himself falling, falling... the ground came up suddenly to meet him.

In the parking lot, dozens of cars swarmed in. Officers leaped out and ducked behind their vehicles, aiming weapons at the building.

"Coleman, come out with your hands up!" the chief ordered over a loudspeaker.
A sniper trained his scope on the front entrance. He instantly spotted Kevin's crumpled body by the door.
"Officer down!" he radioed. "By the - "

Coleman looked down at Kevin, then reached down and pressed another button on the bomb with the muzzle of his Skorpion.

The chief ducked behind his car as a massive fireball engulfed the front of the building. The roof blew skyward as a second blast went off somewhere on the other side. Explosions ripped through the dam control center, shaking the ground.

A piece of flying board slammed into the roof of the chief's car and bounced off onto the ground at his feet.
He slowly holstered his weapon and stood up.
"Sorry, Kev."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Just a reminder - writing contests now stay open until there are at least two entries. However, as soon as I receive a second entry on a contest that is past its due date, the contest instantly closes. If you're thinking of entering this contest, please do so before June 5 if possible. This particular assignment is a great way for you to practice collaborative writing - if you're wanting to participate in upcoming collaborative writing endeavors with this writing group, I highly recommend you take the opportunity to practice here. Remember, you don't have to write a complete story or reach any conclusions. Even 2-3 paragraphs are fine as long as something interesting happens. Have fun,

[Edit - after some consideration, I've decided to require 3 entries before closing contests instead of just two. The reason for this is that I think it's best to avoid any future potential for a mono-a-mono match between two writers. Not that it would be an issue with you guys.]

Paul
 
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Tonight is looking busy for me (borrowing Super Paper Mario for the Wii for one night from a co-worker AND leading a Tribe of Judah staff meeting that starts at 8 p.m. Central), but I'll try to set aside some time to work on an entry either tonight or tomorrow night.
 
3 steps mister

Riiiiiiiiiip!
That was me a year ago.
Dreaming of what I couldn't have. Now I have what I want and much much more.
You too can have your dreams by following a easy three step plan
Easy payments so you can live your dreams.
Call now and receive a complimentary pat on the back
Representatives are standing by to take your phone call
Call now and live your dreams.
Let today be the day you tear up your past.
 
"Gimme three steps, gimme three steps mister, gimme three steps towards the door..."[/music]

Nice work Dale and Lazarus.. just need one more entry and we can open up voting.

Paul
 
tap tap tap goes the toe. Poor ol Laz is waiting hehehehe. JK know clue wut laz is thinking hehehe just ad lib'd. So like can sum 1 else do sumthin to like address this lack of ability to vote!
 
I'm afraid to re-read my entry now for fear of noticing a massive number of errors and mispellings and bad grammar and punctuation... o_O
 
Hehehehe Laz U did awesome and you are a good writer. I like your instantaneous response which is very impressive for I have to be inspired to write and you did it so swift and deftly. Woot!!! So lets add another since we r waiting on SUM1 to write. Maybe we can get a new challenge because as it is U got my vote but if I post another look out uh hum breaking out the skillz hehehehe please hold down your laughter its hurting my ears hehehehe.jk hehehehe
 
The first thought that entered Kevin's mind was that he'd look pretty stupid at the office with ink smeared on his face.

The second, as always, was an ever-present desire for hot coffee.

The two thoughts collided somewhere in the morning fuzz that was his brain and finally compelled him to get up out of bed. He put the coffee on, shaved, and staunched the bleeding from a small cut below his lip before even noticing the ink smeared on his face.

He muttered to himself as he washed his face with a warm cloth. The heat brought his senses to full awareness and he stared at himself in the mirror. Kevin Brechter, 24-year-old widower, and man of habit, addicted to routine. So why was his routine so totally thrown off today?

Well, he supposed, it could be because today was August the twelvth, the day that he had first met his wife, Angela. Or, more likely, it was because his printer had printed a page with ink on it, and not just a blank one.

The page. Kevin realized he should probably look at it. After all, it might be a message from work.

He walked over to his bed, a toothbrush held in one hand, mindlessly scrubbing at his teeth.

At about the same time his eyes hit the second sentence on the smeared page, his hand stopped moving. His eyes widened and he let go of the toothbrush. It hung limp in his mouth.

Kevin, my love, I miss you. I managed to get one of the angels to wire up a computer here in heaven...
 
Voting is now open! If you are reading this message, VOTE. It will only take you 2-3 minutes to read through all the entries if you haven't done so already. Votes are what make this contest meaningful and we need 'em!

Paul
 
Alright --- I shall now critique Laz's work. Hopefully this is constructive, and not simply criticism.

I shall focus on areas of the "world" that you write, rather than on the grammar within.


1. How does Coleman know Kevin? He refers to him by his first name, but there's no indication of how he would know Kevin... what's the back story there?

2. It's indicated that Coleman is a midget, but when Kevin first encounters him, it's with a Skorpian machine pistol pointed to Kevin's forehead. Shouldn't the gun be pointed to Kevin's stomach, or his chin? When dealing with a dimunitive opponent, make certain to restrict their actions to those that a small person could feasibly do.

3. Why Gary Coleman?
I guess for this question I have to say that I've seen your writing before and I don't think that you "need" to make the villain Gary Coleman. Even if you wish to base the villain on Gary Coleman, he doesn't need to be Coleman. I know, it probably adds to the reading, except that in some cases (like my own,) it leaves the reader completely detached. I don't really know or care who Gary Coleman is... I'd be just as enthused if the villain was Brittney Spears, Tom Cruise, or Par-- never mind, I won't bring her into this.


Overall storyline:

I realize many people don't like "unconventional" plots where the guy doesn't get the girl or the bad guy gets away. I, on the other hand, don't mind them. However, in this case the unconventional plot left much to be said -- what happens next? Is this a defeat for Kevin, or is the real protagonist Coleman and this really a victory?
Is Kevin dead? Sounds like he is, but I wasn't sure in the end. What about the base? Was it covered in tonnes of water?

I guess, when writing an unconventional plot line, try to make sure that the reader understands the implications of the unconventional story line. What does it mean? Why did you choose to break the mold and go with a totally different story than we expected? Why didn't Chuck Norris show up and save Kevin? That sort of thing.



...Thus ends my first critique. It's probably overly long and to verbose and pompous, but it's here.
 
Lazarus said:
Maid- I mean Dorkelf, is the contest over yet? It's July, after all.
Click to expand...

And so it is. :rolleyes: Sorry, just got back from a cross-country trip. This forum has been sorely neglected, but I should be able to get back to it now. Thanks for your patience.

Nerai, great story and your critique is entirely excellent. You're setting a good example for everyone else on both accounts. Your story will be uploaded to the 'hall of fame' blog shortly.

Paul
 
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