SamIam
New Member
It was a typical evening in the Redeemed’s Guild Hall. Members began straggling in, seeking respite from the constant struggle against the forces of Destruction. Serdoc, Kutluch and Samette were studying maps of the current battlefields and discussing new strategies in hopes of turning the tide of war. Zeb was tinkering with his mechanical contraptions. Sam was well on his way to filling his hollow leg with Bugman’s Finest while recounting the tale of Kadrin Stoutheart to any who would listen. Few would and few did. In fact, only the hapless Hopeful and Faithful were unlucky enough to be cornered by the old battered Ironbreaker.
“…’Course, nowadays we just be callin’ it Kadrin Valley. But long ago, it be known as Kadrin’s Valley. It be named after me great, great, thrice removed grandsire’s nephew’s cousin-“
“Wouldn’t that make him your great, great, twice removed grandsire?” interrupted Durruck. Oh, did I forget to mention he was at the guild hall as well? My apologies. Yes, he was there. As was his wife, Ambriana. Durruck was admiring his “robe” in the hall’s single full-length mirror. Ambriana was primping her coiffeur with one hand while trying to shove Durruck out of the way with the other.
“-on me mother’s side,” finished Sam. He had become quite adept at ignoring Durruck. In fact, most in the guild had developed that necessary skill. Otherwise, his cooing and trilling every time he moved would drive one to drink. Excessively. Sam raised his stein and chugged more of Bugman’s Finest. He belched, used his long beard to wipe the foam from his great mustache and continued.
“Now, then. A reg’ment o’ greenies be marchin’ up the vale, ye see, on their way to our fortress. An’ off to their left, ‘pon a wee hillock, stood me grandsire, Kadrin, bold as ye please.”
Durruck, having heard the tale countless times- well, countless times plus one- rolled his eyes. “I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer best to meet me in battle,” whispered Durruck mockingly.
“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up the biggest Choppa they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes the Choppa’s head rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
Durruck hip-checked Ambriana and shoved his way in front of the mirror. “I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer two best to be meetin’ me in battle,” he whispered again. Mockingly again.
“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam belched. “’Send up yer two best to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their two bestest, biggest Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes both Choppa’s heads rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
Ambriana was far from ready to concede the epic struggle for the mirror. She snatched Durruck’s long flowing sleeve and began twisting and wadding the silken material. Durruck gasped in horror and reached around to stop her. Sensing he was off balance, Ambriana let go of the Durruck’s sleeve, grabbed his arm and yanked over and down. The rest of Durruck soon followed and he found himself in a crumpled heap on the floor. He entirely forgot to continue his mocking. Ambriana, smirking victoriously, continued spiking her new-found hair in front of the mirror that she had so cleverly liberated from her oppressive husband.
Oblivious to these goings on, Sam whetted his whistle and continued his tale. “’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best squad to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their best squad o’ Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes heads o’ the squad, rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
Durruck picked himself up, all in a huff. His new “robe” was a wrinkled mess. It was nearly ruined! Adrenaline began coursing through his veins. He began seeing red. Bright Wizard red. Bright Wizard red hair, to be precise. He grabbed it. He pulled it. It shrieked in pain. Well, the human it was attached to shrieked in pain.
Hopeful and Faithful looked on worriedly. They wanted to intervene, but they were trapped in the corner by Sam and did not want to be rude and interrupt his story. Little did they know that Sam would have been perfectly content to tell the remainder of his story to the wall behind them.
“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best comp’ny to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their best comp’ny o’ Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes heads o’ the whole comp’ny, rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
It was at this precise moment that Popoki entered the hall, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. She ignored Sam and his audience. She ignored Durruck’s and Ambriana’s wrestling match in front of the mirror. She didn’t, however, ignore Samette, her best friend and confidant. Popoki threw her arms around Samette and sobbed on her shoulder.
“Oh, Sammie,” cried Popoki. “My life is over. I cannot bear it any longer.”
“No, don’t say that,” Samette replied consolingly. “What great sorrow darkens your soul so completely that you would free it from its worldly abode?”
“I am tired of being a loner, Sammie,” Popoki sniffled. “I am lonely. I want a husband that will care for me. One that will not be intimidated when I pounce upon an unsuspecting witch elf and disembowel her with my axe. One that sees me as a woman and not a hunt-“
“You’re a girl?” Durruck asked incredulously.
“You’re a girl?” Ambriana echoed.
Durruck felt his wife’s grip slacken. He decided now would be an opportune time to extricate himself from this losing battle. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror and then back at Popoki. “You’re a girl?” he repeated. “Are you sure?” He looked at himself in the mirror again. “But…but…we look the same,” Durruck observed. One thing that Durruck didn’t observe was Sam choking on his ale. Nor the foam bubbling out his nose.
Popoki glared at Durruck. Just when Sammie thought her friend was about to pounce on the witless archmage, Popoki broke down in another fit of tears. “You see?” she sobbed. “Even my friends think I’m a man. How can I ever hope to sink my claws into one?”
“There, there, lass,” Sam consoled between coughs. “Ye can always be borrowin’ one o’ Durruck’s dresses. Most menfolk be findin’ them rather fetchin’.”
“Papa, enough of that!” admonished Samette.
“Papa?” Durruck asked incredulously.
“Papa?” Ambriana echoed.
“Yes, Papa,” replied Sam defensively. “Didn’t ye be knowin’ tha’ she be me daughter?” Belch.
“But…but…she’s an elf. And…and…you’re a dwarf!” Durruck objected.
“An’…an’… ye be a-“ Sam’s heated reply was cut short by Samette.
“None of that, you two!” scolded Samette. “Popoki is in need of your compassion, not your petty bickering.”
Zeb cleared his throat. “I be knowin’ a gnome in the Eastern Kingdoms tha’ be an accomplished body sculptor. Mayhap he could be …ummm…helpin’ by addin’ a few more curves in the proper places.”
That was the last straw for poor, distraught Popoki. She fled the guild hall, tears streaming behind her that were matched only by her wails of sorrow. “My life shall end ‘ere morning’s light.”
“I wish I could cry like that,” Ambriana sighed.
Samette chased after her friend, fearing what Popoki might do while consumed by her grief. But it was an exercise in futility. Popoki had leaped high onto the rooftops and sped away in the night, leaving behind a very worried friend. Samette raced back to the guild hall to gather help in searching for Popoki.
She entered the hall just as Sam was about to continue his tale. “Now where be me in me tellin’ o’ Kadrin?” Belch. “Ah, yes. ’I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer best reg’ment to be meetin’ me in battle…”
Samette skidded to a halt. “Our friend and companion is in need,” she said loud enough for all to hear. “We must go in search of her ‘ere she ends her life. Who is with me?”
“…Now, Duh Big Un be mightily upset that his best o’ the best be killed. So he did tell his entire reg’ment to charge up yon wee hillock…” Sam continued his tale, oblivious of the goings on around him.
Hopeful and Faithful saw their chance to escape. “We shall help. Please, let us help. Please.”
Soon enough all had stepped up to help find their friend. All, that is, except one particular dwarf.
“…Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight…” Belch.
“Durruck, I beseech you to accompany me upon this endeavor,” Samette said. “I am near certain that I know where Popoki shall be, yet I fear we may arrive too late.”
“…An’ then be comin’ a few o’ the greenie’s heads rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump…”
Durruck nodded. Man or woman, it mattered not to him. Popoki was his friend too. If Durruck could help bring him- uh, her- to her senses, then he would gladly do so. Samette quickly assigned places for the others to search, and then dashed out the door.
“…Duh Big Un did be turnin’ grey wi’ anger watchin’ the heads rollin’ down…”
Everyone ran for the door, knowing that time was of the essence. Durruck sidled up next to Zeb as they left the hall. “About that body sculptor…”
“…Then a greenie be runnin’ down the hill yellin’, ‘Run! Run fuh yer livez! Der ar too uv ‘em!’” Sam guffawed. His rumbling laughter echoed through the empty hall. “Oh, that story do be gettin’ funnier ev’ry time I be tellin’ it.” Belch.
To Be Continued.
“…’Course, nowadays we just be callin’ it Kadrin Valley. But long ago, it be known as Kadrin’s Valley. It be named after me great, great, thrice removed grandsire’s nephew’s cousin-“
“Wouldn’t that make him your great, great, twice removed grandsire?” interrupted Durruck. Oh, did I forget to mention he was at the guild hall as well? My apologies. Yes, he was there. As was his wife, Ambriana. Durruck was admiring his “robe” in the hall’s single full-length mirror. Ambriana was primping her coiffeur with one hand while trying to shove Durruck out of the way with the other.
“-on me mother’s side,” finished Sam. He had become quite adept at ignoring Durruck. In fact, most in the guild had developed that necessary skill. Otherwise, his cooing and trilling every time he moved would drive one to drink. Excessively. Sam raised his stein and chugged more of Bugman’s Finest. He belched, used his long beard to wipe the foam from his great mustache and continued.
“Now, then. A reg’ment o’ greenies be marchin’ up the vale, ye see, on their way to our fortress. An’ off to their left, ‘pon a wee hillock, stood me grandsire, Kadrin, bold as ye please.”
Durruck, having heard the tale countless times- well, countless times plus one- rolled his eyes. “I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer best to meet me in battle,” whispered Durruck mockingly.
“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up the biggest Choppa they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes the Choppa’s head rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
Durruck hip-checked Ambriana and shoved his way in front of the mirror. “I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer two best to be meetin’ me in battle,” he whispered again. Mockingly again.
“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam belched. “’Send up yer two best to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their two bestest, biggest Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes both Choppa’s heads rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
Ambriana was far from ready to concede the epic struggle for the mirror. She snatched Durruck’s long flowing sleeve and began twisting and wadding the silken material. Durruck gasped in horror and reached around to stop her. Sensing he was off balance, Ambriana let go of the Durruck’s sleeve, grabbed his arm and yanked over and down. The rest of Durruck soon followed and he found himself in a crumpled heap on the floor. He entirely forgot to continue his mocking. Ambriana, smirking victoriously, continued spiking her new-found hair in front of the mirror that she had so cleverly liberated from her oppressive husband.
Oblivious to these goings on, Sam whetted his whistle and continued his tale. “’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best squad to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their best squad o’ Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes heads o’ the squad, rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
Durruck picked himself up, all in a huff. His new “robe” was a wrinkled mess. It was nearly ruined! Adrenaline began coursing through his veins. He began seeing red. Bright Wizard red. Bright Wizard red hair, to be precise. He grabbed it. He pulled it. It shrieked in pain. Well, the human it was attached to shrieked in pain.
Hopeful and Faithful looked on worriedly. They wanted to intervene, but they were trapped in the corner by Sam and did not want to be rude and interrupt his story. Little did they know that Sam would have been perfectly content to tell the remainder of his story to the wall behind them.
“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best comp’ny to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their best comp’ny o’ Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes heads o’ the whole comp’ny, rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”
It was at this precise moment that Popoki entered the hall, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. She ignored Sam and his audience. She ignored Durruck’s and Ambriana’s wrestling match in front of the mirror. She didn’t, however, ignore Samette, her best friend and confidant. Popoki threw her arms around Samette and sobbed on her shoulder.
“Oh, Sammie,” cried Popoki. “My life is over. I cannot bear it any longer.”
“No, don’t say that,” Samette replied consolingly. “What great sorrow darkens your soul so completely that you would free it from its worldly abode?”
“I am tired of being a loner, Sammie,” Popoki sniffled. “I am lonely. I want a husband that will care for me. One that will not be intimidated when I pounce upon an unsuspecting witch elf and disembowel her with my axe. One that sees me as a woman and not a hunt-“
“You’re a girl?” Durruck asked incredulously.
“You’re a girl?” Ambriana echoed.
Durruck felt his wife’s grip slacken. He decided now would be an opportune time to extricate himself from this losing battle. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror and then back at Popoki. “You’re a girl?” he repeated. “Are you sure?” He looked at himself in the mirror again. “But…but…we look the same,” Durruck observed. One thing that Durruck didn’t observe was Sam choking on his ale. Nor the foam bubbling out his nose.
Popoki glared at Durruck. Just when Sammie thought her friend was about to pounce on the witless archmage, Popoki broke down in another fit of tears. “You see?” she sobbed. “Even my friends think I’m a man. How can I ever hope to sink my claws into one?”
“There, there, lass,” Sam consoled between coughs. “Ye can always be borrowin’ one o’ Durruck’s dresses. Most menfolk be findin’ them rather fetchin’.”
“Papa, enough of that!” admonished Samette.
“Papa?” Durruck asked incredulously.
“Papa?” Ambriana echoed.
“Yes, Papa,” replied Sam defensively. “Didn’t ye be knowin’ tha’ she be me daughter?” Belch.
“But…but…she’s an elf. And…and…you’re a dwarf!” Durruck objected.
“An’…an’… ye be a-“ Sam’s heated reply was cut short by Samette.
“None of that, you two!” scolded Samette. “Popoki is in need of your compassion, not your petty bickering.”
Zeb cleared his throat. “I be knowin’ a gnome in the Eastern Kingdoms tha’ be an accomplished body sculptor. Mayhap he could be …ummm…helpin’ by addin’ a few more curves in the proper places.”
That was the last straw for poor, distraught Popoki. She fled the guild hall, tears streaming behind her that were matched only by her wails of sorrow. “My life shall end ‘ere morning’s light.”
“I wish I could cry like that,” Ambriana sighed.
Samette chased after her friend, fearing what Popoki might do while consumed by her grief. But it was an exercise in futility. Popoki had leaped high onto the rooftops and sped away in the night, leaving behind a very worried friend. Samette raced back to the guild hall to gather help in searching for Popoki.
She entered the hall just as Sam was about to continue his tale. “Now where be me in me tellin’ o’ Kadrin?” Belch. “Ah, yes. ’I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer best reg’ment to be meetin’ me in battle…”
Samette skidded to a halt. “Our friend and companion is in need,” she said loud enough for all to hear. “We must go in search of her ‘ere she ends her life. Who is with me?”
“…Now, Duh Big Un be mightily upset that his best o’ the best be killed. So he did tell his entire reg’ment to charge up yon wee hillock…” Sam continued his tale, oblivious of the goings on around him.
Hopeful and Faithful saw their chance to escape. “We shall help. Please, let us help. Please.”
Soon enough all had stepped up to help find their friend. All, that is, except one particular dwarf.
“…Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight…” Belch.
“Durruck, I beseech you to accompany me upon this endeavor,” Samette said. “I am near certain that I know where Popoki shall be, yet I fear we may arrive too late.”
“…An’ then be comin’ a few o’ the greenie’s heads rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump…”
Durruck nodded. Man or woman, it mattered not to him. Popoki was his friend too. If Durruck could help bring him- uh, her- to her senses, then he would gladly do so. Samette quickly assigned places for the others to search, and then dashed out the door.
“…Duh Big Un did be turnin’ grey wi’ anger watchin’ the heads rollin’ down…”
Everyone ran for the door, knowing that time was of the essence. Durruck sidled up next to Zeb as they left the hall. “About that body sculptor…”
“…Then a greenie be runnin’ down the hill yellin’, ‘Run! Run fuh yer livez! Der ar too uv ‘em!’” Sam guffawed. His rumbling laughter echoed through the empty hall. “Oh, that story do be gettin’ funnier ev’ry time I be tellin’ it.” Belch.
To Be Continued.