Malohaut
Moderator
Whenever I am around people, I get stressed because I burden myself with their comfort and happiness, and that wears on me. I try to put myself in their shoes and try to figure out what they want and need and supply that. In doing this, 3 things happen: 1. I fear being taken advantage of, and all my time and energy and possessions being taken from me. 2. Because I'm putting myself in their shoes (thinking how I would feel in their situation), and since I feel stressed around people, I have the false impression that people feel stressed when I'm around them. So I back away from people. 3. When I am around people I can help, I serve with a passion, but when I'm around people who I either can't help, or who can help me, I feel like a burdeon and a trouble to them, and assume that they would be less burdeoned without me.
Also, all my life I've been pushed away and shoved by my peers, both secular and at church, who's labled me as wierd and an undesirable. Even my own parents put down my interests when I wanted to go into the navy or into communications or do my online fellowship or get married overseas. (You know, my mom actually emailed my fiancee and told her to be careful, that I'm too immature and not yet ready for marriage??) Because of my heart and my goals and desires being shot down all the time, and because of being put down by peers, both at school and in the youth group while I was growing up, I don't share much at all and stay within my shell.
Because of these conditionings, I keep to myself. I stay behind closed doors in my room and don't spend as much time with the family. I become easily discouraged and depressed with myself. I don't go out and do anything or try hard to make friends at church. I haven't even shared with my current family much about my heart and my life and my desires because of these very fears.
Right now, the job I'm working at isn't enough to support a family, but its probably enough to live on. I feel as though I should stay here for now, and that gives dad the impression that I'm not trying hard to find a better job or improve myself. And I sense that disappointment, and since I'm too much in my shell with fear to share my heart with him, I fear him and falsely assume his anger and wrath are coming and hide instead. Dad kept trying to check in on me and see if I was alright and see if everything was okay. The family was missing me because I spent so much time in my room that they never actually know when I'm home or not. That one Saturday, dad got really upset and told me that I need to stop worshipping this computer and get my act together. But he said it more out of frustration, and was only going on what little knowledge he knew since I never really shared myself or my heart with him. With all the fears I have of being put down and rejected and being told my efforts or my actions are wrong, I was hurt by what he said, and felt as though I had let him down just like I let down Joy and Kathy and Harold and the Trinity and the Redeemed and everyone else I ever encountered. I felt as though I tried to hard to avoid hurting mom and dad by not bothering them, and it backfired. So with great discouragement and distress, and with feelings of failure, I packed my bags and was ready to leave. Run away I guess some would call it. And that's when I started the (Chivah is leaving) post.
But mom talked to me. (Yes, she's my step mom, but I consider her a mother). I finally opened up to her because she talks less and listens more than dad. hehe. She told me that I need to stop putting myself in other people's shoes because I can never really know what another person is actually feeling. Just because I feel stressed and burdeoned around people (because I assume responsibility for all their problems and worries and issues) and feared of being taken advantage of doesn't mean that others do too. And for one of the first times in my life, I actually opened up to someone and instead of putting me down or telling me, "Well that's life. Live with it." I was heard and understood and helped. (something you guys have been trying to do for me) She helped remind me that nobody here wants me to go, and that dad just gets frustrated at times and isn't very good with communication. And I learned that for people who really love me, my heart and goals and ideas won't get shot down, but accepted and loved and supported.
My friends, I need to learn not to assume that all people are always thinking negatively about me. (In some cases its true like Joy and my parents growing up) I need to stop assuming that I know what they are feeling and know all the answers to their life. (This is something Litsafalda has been trying to pound into me.) I need to learn to be more open, and fear less. I need to learn that I'm not responsible for supplying someone's every needs, for that's God's job. (until I get a family of my own) And I need to learn that I'm not a burdon or a pain or a bother to people. I have 30 years of negative conditioning to overcome, and I ask that you all be patient with me. I love you all and will do my best.
I just wanted you all to know. Thank you for listening.
Also, all my life I've been pushed away and shoved by my peers, both secular and at church, who's labled me as wierd and an undesirable. Even my own parents put down my interests when I wanted to go into the navy or into communications or do my online fellowship or get married overseas. (You know, my mom actually emailed my fiancee and told her to be careful, that I'm too immature and not yet ready for marriage??) Because of my heart and my goals and desires being shot down all the time, and because of being put down by peers, both at school and in the youth group while I was growing up, I don't share much at all and stay within my shell.
Because of these conditionings, I keep to myself. I stay behind closed doors in my room and don't spend as much time with the family. I become easily discouraged and depressed with myself. I don't go out and do anything or try hard to make friends at church. I haven't even shared with my current family much about my heart and my life and my desires because of these very fears.
Right now, the job I'm working at isn't enough to support a family, but its probably enough to live on. I feel as though I should stay here for now, and that gives dad the impression that I'm not trying hard to find a better job or improve myself. And I sense that disappointment, and since I'm too much in my shell with fear to share my heart with him, I fear him and falsely assume his anger and wrath are coming and hide instead. Dad kept trying to check in on me and see if I was alright and see if everything was okay. The family was missing me because I spent so much time in my room that they never actually know when I'm home or not. That one Saturday, dad got really upset and told me that I need to stop worshipping this computer and get my act together. But he said it more out of frustration, and was only going on what little knowledge he knew since I never really shared myself or my heart with him. With all the fears I have of being put down and rejected and being told my efforts or my actions are wrong, I was hurt by what he said, and felt as though I had let him down just like I let down Joy and Kathy and Harold and the Trinity and the Redeemed and everyone else I ever encountered. I felt as though I tried to hard to avoid hurting mom and dad by not bothering them, and it backfired. So with great discouragement and distress, and with feelings of failure, I packed my bags and was ready to leave. Run away I guess some would call it. And that's when I started the (Chivah is leaving) post.
But mom talked to me. (Yes, she's my step mom, but I consider her a mother). I finally opened up to her because she talks less and listens more than dad. hehe. She told me that I need to stop putting myself in other people's shoes because I can never really know what another person is actually feeling. Just because I feel stressed and burdeoned around people (because I assume responsibility for all their problems and worries and issues) and feared of being taken advantage of doesn't mean that others do too. And for one of the first times in my life, I actually opened up to someone and instead of putting me down or telling me, "Well that's life. Live with it." I was heard and understood and helped. (something you guys have been trying to do for me) She helped remind me that nobody here wants me to go, and that dad just gets frustrated at times and isn't very good with communication. And I learned that for people who really love me, my heart and goals and ideas won't get shot down, but accepted and loved and supported.
My friends, I need to learn not to assume that all people are always thinking negatively about me. (In some cases its true like Joy and my parents growing up) I need to stop assuming that I know what they are feeling and know all the answers to their life. (This is something Litsafalda has been trying to pound into me.) I need to learn to be more open, and fear less. I need to learn that I'm not responsible for supplying someone's every needs, for that's God's job. (until I get a family of my own) And I need to learn that I'm not a burdon or a pain or a bother to people. I have 30 years of negative conditioning to overcome, and I ask that you all be patient with me. I love you all and will do my best.
I just wanted you all to know. Thank you for listening.
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