a sad or happy update I dont know which

thinkerseven

thinkerseven

New Member
I am writing an update after Ducky's urging to get more saints involved. As you know my wife has been mentally and physically sick for sometime. She blames me for it a lot, and even the doctors I see say that is not the case. I called her doctor today because she needed an appointment but was afraid to make one. Her doctor said she needed to make the appointment and that I need to be prepared for the possibility that my wife might get WORSE more so before my wife may admit that. Again my wife blames me but not intentionally, it is hard to explain. It is like she doesnt know what she is saying and yet does at the same time.
The happy part is this: before yesterday I would not have been able to handle one more day of it. Yesterday, God, saw fit to answer my prayer to send his angels to help me. I am so thankful for it. I talked to Joey and my doctor and my mentor. All of them helped me a great deal. My doctor told me something though that blew me away and I don't know why it didnt sink in before. That if I was the only person alive Jesus would have still died for me because he loves me that much. Also that his love is not performanced based like it was for me growing up. These things have helped me cope.
There is no way to avoid saying this but I feel like I need to bring up the possibility of divorce at our next marriage counseling session. Not because she is sick, but because she is emotionally abusive among other things. I have to do it at the session because she will explode on me if it isnt in a controlled enviroment. It is so hard to say all this, I am so embarassed. I would ask for prayers but I don't know what to ask for. After being married barely two years, I have dealt with so much that I cannot stand it anymore. I just want to be alone for a while with God so the pain will heal. Despite all this going on I feel peace and that is truelly a change for me. Thank you for all your prayers, I am blessed by them because I can endure now.
Jason
 
"Victoryis not obtained through evacuation"--Winston Churchill
What your going through is hard, but do everything you can, then a bit more. Pray and don't give up just yet. I'm praying for you.
 
thinkerseven said:
There is no way to avoid saying this but I feel like I need to bring up the possibility of divorce at our next marriage counseling session. Not because she is sick, but because she is emotionally abusive among other things. I have to do it at the session because she will explode on me if it isnt in a controlled enviroment. It is so hard to say all this, I am so embarassed. I would ask for prayers but I don't know what to ask for. After being married barely two years, I have dealt with so much that I cannot stand it anymore. I just want to be alone for a while with God so the pain will heal. Despite all this going on I feel peace and that is truelly a change for me. Thank you for all your prayers, I am blessed by them because I can endure now.
Jason
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Jason, are you and your wife currently separated? If not, have you considered taking that step first?

Paul
 
Usually separation ends in divorce. I would speak with a counselor first then consider that step. If you just walk out she could take that as offensive and never come back.

If you haven't met with a counselor before I would try to go alone the first time and just talk it all out. Then bring her the second time (or see if she wants to go alone). You will need to be very careful so as not to gang up on her so she wont feel like she is being cornered.

The problem I have with having both parties at a session is that usually they will deny anything you try to explain. It of course depends on the persons involve.
 
Argh

I am so confused right now. To answer some questions first: 1) we are not currently separated and 2) we have been to counseling before- our current counselor was on vacation and my wife has been sick from work so much in the past before that she has to make appointments for after work and those are so hard to come by. The thing that frusterates me though, is we were going to a christian counselor and she didn't want to go anymore- she said it wasnt quality care and wanted to find someone else. So I went a long with it.
As for the confusion- my wife and I started talking yesterday and though it was icy at first, I said what was bothering me and later she talked with me again. It was a great relief to have some of the problems off my shoulders. Now I did not say anything about divorce because I want to be fair if I bring it up. So I am confused because after a "good" day yesterday between us, she has this psychotic episode this morning where she is not with it at all and keeps asking me why I hate her and why I don't like her and she keeps saying she is stupid. These episodes were more common a few months ago. The thing is, the doctors tell me to let her just have her have the episodes but she told me today that she feels like a loser if I am not right there trying to make her better.
She is asleep right now so I have time to relax, though I dare not leave the house to go on my walk because I don't know what she'll be like when she wakes up. I guess she has nightmares sometimes and I asked her why she treats me like nightmares were real and she wouldn't respond. Also, when I told her that when I get upset it is usually because I am holding something in, she told me about feeling like a loser but looked like she was afraid to say more.
I am so confused because I don't know what is the illness talking and what is her talking. I know when she feels better she will start apologizing profusely which is confusing too. I just know these types of situations so well, I can feel something is wrong that she isn't knowingly or unknowingly talking about.
Jason
 
Confusion is the main tool of the enemy. I would suggest getting deep in prayer and you word for strength and wisdom. I recently went through the same type of thing though we seperated and my wife filled for divorce.

The main thing right now is that you need to know that it is not your fault nor her fault it is an attack from the enemy. I looked deep in myself and started Theophostics to help myself as i know i cannot do it myself.

The main thing is love her, pray for her, most of all put her in the lord's hands/ You trying to change her or argue with her will just incite a bigger issue. Deal with her out of love as the Lord deals with us.

I will pray for you friend!!

PS: My wife and I are back together and giving our marriage to the Lord as he is the one that made it in the first place.
 
Praying for you. Lord God, I ask you to strenthen thinkerseven in these trials, strengthen his faith and surround him with those people who could help him and give him Godly advice. I pray for his wife that she would be strengthened in her faith and reliance on Jesus Christ, and that she might receive healing and blessing. In Jesus name, I pray amen.
 
Um, I wrote an eloquent reply to this, but apparently my browser crashed before it posted...

First, separation does NOT necessarily end in divorce, though it can. And whether or not separation is seen as an abandonment will depend entirely on how it is handled.

Second, do NOT even mention the word "divorce" to your wife (or a separation, either) until you have discussed it privately and extensively with a Christian counselor, and preferably with your pastor, too.

If your wife can't get appointments when she needs to, or if she isn't happy with the quality of care, find a new Christian counselor. Do not go to a non-Christian counselor; I know of a few individuals who began seeing one while emotionally fragile, and it only made things worse. Sure, it fixed some problems, but it created new ones that are much bigger and more important.

If you go to a non-Christian counselor, no matter how competent they are, you will encounter problems. The secular psychology worldview does not always align with that of the Bible. If she isn't happy with a counselor, it won't help her. Find a Christian she can trust; if she won't go to a Christian counselor, you have a big problem. If you have to go to a separate counselor for individual counseling, do it.

A good counselor will not turn things into you and the counselor against your wife; they will work with both of you to improve communication instead. They will work to present all criticism in a productive manner.

If there's still a problem with emotional abuse, you need to face that problem. It will not go away. It's every bit as serious as physical abuse, and can't be left unchecked.
 
I'm not a psychiatrist or counselor, but I'm one of the few women posting here, so here's my two cents...

thinkerseven said:
I guess she has nightmares sometimes and I asked her why she treats me like nightmares were real and she wouldn't respond.
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Most likely, because to her they ARE real, or at least they seem like they may be real. It's a lot like what happens to schizophrenics: often they DO hear the voices, but they come from inside their head, not outside. However, they can't differentiate. (Yes, it's a simplified explanation, I know.) Similarly, the nightmares may seem quite real, and, at least upon waking, she may be confused as to what is real and what isn't. If I'm even close, she's probably ashamed to admit it.

thinkerseven said:
Also, when I told her that when I get upset it is usually because I am holding something in, she told me about feeling like a loser but looked like she was afraid to say more.
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Try not to make assumptions about what her fears or feelings mean, or why she is reacting as she is. Women hate this in general, and if she is having these horrible psychotic episodes, she may be afraid of what you'll think, or else be ashamed or embarrassed that she simply can't explain it. If she can't explain, just let it go. Sometimes, she may just need to talk without worrying about what you'll say or think.

Mostly, just keep reassuring her that you love her. Let her know you still respect her, and that you don't think she's dumb or a bad person now. Remind her that this isn't her fault, and it doesn't change who she is in her soul. You may be all of God that she can see right now.

We care about you both, and we are here for you. But try to meet with your pastor or an older trusted Christian as often as you can; you need someone to just sit with you and listen. Remember how much better you felt the first time you sat and talked with your pastor?

Still praying for you.
 
MaidMirawyn said:
Um, I wrote an eloquent reply to this, but apparently my browser crashed before it posted...

First, separation does NOT necessarily end in divorce, though it can. And whether or not separation is seen as an abandonment will depend entirely on how it is handled.

Second, do NOT even mention the word "divorce" to your wife (or a separation, either) until you have discussed it privately and extensively with a Christian counselor, and preferably with your pastor, too.
Click to expand...

Mirawyn's second point is worth emphasizing, Jason. As soon as your wife becomes aware that divorce is something you're seriously considering, it could damage your relationship in ways that can never be fully reversed. Even if you are personally convinced that you have no other option but divorce, you should still separate first and you should not approach that separation as a first step in the divorce process, but as a way of helping both of you heal separately. I've personally known married couples who have separated to take care of individual personal problems, and then reunited when both were healthier. It can and does happen, and Jason I know you know that marriage vows give you the strongest obligation to do everything possible to preserve your marriage.

Will continue praying, please keep us updated.

Paul
 
Things have kind of come to a hault. My wife is physically sick now and the doctors won't help her for some reason. We are trying to get her into a specialist but they can't get her in until the end of the month, even though she missed four days of work because of this. She went back to work today but was a shadow of herself. This problem comes and goes but it is really hard for her and it looks like it may stick around this time. The worst thing is that she has fiber mialgia and fiberoids that run in the family... so I am praying it is neither of those even though it sounds like it could possibly be. The worst part is not knowing. I can't leave her now, it would be inhumane. Although I feel like I am taking care of a child instead of my wife, I just don't know what to do. I see an individual christian counselor once a week to talk about all this. My wife doesn't want to go to a christian counselor for some reason and she still has not made an appointment with her counselor again. We were going to a marriage counselor but he said we need to take a break from therapy so my wife and I can get our individual issues worked out... which makes it all seem so hopeless. What makes all this worse, is I left my church a couple months back and I have no where to turn right now. I visited a church last night with my brother and both he and I thought it would not be worth returning (the pastor seemed to have more problems than either of us... put together!). I visited one the week before and it seemed elitist in its beliefs. I don't know what to do right now. I am thinking of calling tomorrow and seeing if I can talk to the pastor at the church I go to counseling for. I am not sure where else to turn. It is the biggest church in our area so I was afraid to go because it often feels impersonal. Well, I have to go. Thank you saints.
 
I'm glad to hear you've been seeing a counselor yourself.

thinkerseven said:
I am thinking of calling tomorrow and seeing if I can talk to the pastor at the church I go to counseling for. I am not sure where else to turn. It is the biggest church in our area so I was afraid to go because it often feels impersonal.
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I would urge you to talk to that pastor. Even if you decide not to attend his church, most pastors are more than willing to meet with you anyway. Also, he may be able to recommend a few good churches, and maybe even a Christian support group or something.

Your wife desperately needs to be talking to a Christian counselor. If she won't see a "Christian counselor", try get some referrals to Christian psychiatrists. Keep looking until y'all find someone she'll actually visit.

Still praying for you both, of course!
 
thinkerseven said:
What makes all this worse, is I left my church a couple months back and I have no where to turn right now.
Click to expand...

Unless there is a serious reason to not return, you should feel welcome back at your old church anytime you want to go back. Or you could try a church out that you might not normally consider. Pray that God would lead you to a church where you can get some pastoral care and prayer. God knows where you might find just the right help. Have you ever tried a Calvary Chapel? They are everywhere and can be comfortable places.
http://www.calvarychapel.com/
You can search "churches" there for locations near you.
 
I used to attend a Calvary Chapel. Good church. Family still goes there.
Also, when a friend was in a "boarding" school/rehabilitation camp in Utah, they sent ministers over to fellowship with him, being that the counselors there were Mormon and he, Christian.

Thinkerseven, you seem to bring up divorce a good deal and clearly it's on your mind alot.
I don't mean to pry, and I know very little of your situation or of you, so don't take what I say too personally. In the end, I'm just a guy on the internet who knows you only from the text you put up.
I could be entirely off the rocker, and I'm not trying to judge you.

I keep getting the feeling that maybe these issues originate more from your attitude and actions. You seem to draw alot of conclusions from implications you make. Your fears and insecurities (we all have them) really start to take over from that point. BE CAREFUL.

You said your wife was emotionally abusive. What exactly does she do?
Emotional abuse is an interesting subject. It's not like physical abuse or sexual abuse, where the provocation primarily lies with the aggressor, but in this case, many times, with the victim.
First, most emotional abuse is only potent if they victim lets it be. In large amounts or from people we love, it can be harder to defray. And if someone's really bad, removal might even be necessary.
Another, is the state of the relationship. When a person puts him or herself in a state of weakness, either by insecurities or what not, the other will many times fill in the other role as the dominator. People are unbelievable good at filling roles.

I don't know you at all, so you'll have to be the judge of this, and this could be an entirely meaningless post. I'm just bringing it up because I've seen a more victim tone from your posts. Your wife appears to be going through alot and these kind of situations tend to bring out a more emotional, even primal, responses.
It's incredibly easy to play the victim, but the longer you stay it, the more real it becomes.
Victims never prosper.

Do you feel like you have a say in the house? Not to be chauvinistic, but women like their men to be leaders (not tyrants, obviously. to lead is different that to command). Alpha males. If a woman feels like her man isn't stepping up to the plate, she could become "emotionally abusive."
I'm not accusing you of being milquetoast.

I know this is a very unpopular message and again, I don't really know you or what you're going through. I believe that you're going through alot of hardship and guess what, I don't know what it's like.
I'm sayings this out of the possibility of it being you (or part of it).
The Israelites kept walking through the desert because they kept failing God's tests and never learned the lessons. I found myself enduring the same hardships over and over until I finally go the picture.
I would hate to see you go through the same problem later after divorcing your wife.

It's tough being a guy. God knows, it is. It's hard to step forward when every inch of your body wants to fall back.
Maybe your wife needs someone to look up to. Someone to hold onto.

and maybe I entirely misread the situation.
We're all praying for you.
 
At first, I was upset by Angel's post but then I let it sink in. I am not saying I agree with all of it because I know the fault at my house is about 50-50. That being said, I know when I was living in Florida and my wife went through the horrible ordeal that brought all this on, I was not a leader in the house- I was very passive. Now when I try to regain what I put down she fights me for it- she is like her mom that way. She grew up in a house where the mom ran everything and I guess that's the way she wants it but I am not sure. I know she has had to step up where I have been passive, but at the same time I have not changed since we were dating so she had to have seen that then. Also, her definition of passive when we talk, is someone that doesn't do things right away when she wants them done. I am usually a lot more laid back and it drives her nuts that I don't just treat everything as a life threatening emergency. Even her mom sees that she does this and tries to tell her to calm down but my wife doesn't like to hear it.
My wife seems to do things by apathy or omission- for example, our marrige counselor would assign us a book to read. I would either end up reading it by myself or if I read it out loud to her she would fall asleep or show no interest. Also, she tries to tell me to do things that she herself does not do and gets mad at me for suggesting. Like this morning I was really down on myself for not being able to find a job yet- she told me not to beat myself up about things... which she does to herself all the time- I know because I hear it and try to encourage her differently but she resists listening.
I have been going to a counselor (Christian) and the counselor has told me that not everything is my fault because I tend to blame myself for everything. The counselor says that my wife has her equal share in this. Also, they said that my wife may fight me when she sees I m trying to change and it will either make our relationship stronger eventually or we will grow apart.
I appreciate you all for letting me vent- I have been able to think now and I will bring this up with a pastor if I can see one. I am going to call and see who I can talk to. I am not sure what to ask though when I call...
Jason
 
I do not mean to double post but I could not figure out how to edit my previous one if possible. I think that what Angel is saying is not true about how emotional abuse is asked for- it is the same as physical and verbal abuse and I am so angry that someone would imply otherwise. I don't know what else to say I am so angry.
 
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