Advice needed

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Thaddius

Thaddius

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Hey all,

Some of you are married and some of you are not, but for this situation, look at it as if you are.

Say you are married to someone and in a discussion find out that something that you do your spouse hates. Your spouse hates everything to do with this thing and tells you that he/she wishes that it never would have come into your life. Now, up until this point, this thing has always been important to you, but finding out that it causes your spouse grief brings sadness to you mainly for 2 reasons. One, is you did not realize how much your spouse disliked it and two, it is something you don't want to give up.

I know something like this, lots of prayer is needed to help with the decision, but I would also like to ask for your advice here.

Thanks,

Cory
 
Perhaps I shouldn't post here. I truly feel it is a man's place for the guidance that you seek; it touched my heart and I will be praying for you. If I answer from a woman's place...if this is something that the Lord commands, I would not give it up. Otherwise, it would be gone in a heartbeat! If that is easier said than done, I would seek the Lord first, then my mates help in eschewing this thing. I would replace it with good things...another hobby, more time in God's Word, ect. From there I would ask myself why my mate would want me to give this up. Is it taking time away from fellowship with God, my mate, and/or my family? More than likely there are other areas affected that need looking into for my mate to ask such a thing.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25

I always found that verse interesting! Men commanded to love their wives, while we woman are commanded to submit ourselves! Christ's example, as you know, was to lay down His life...I think that is even more so true for each mate in a marriage.

You're a good man. I know you will make the right decision.
 
Thad - Your priority, as given by God, is to provide a loving, nurturing and Godly home for your wife and children. That is the essence of being a servant leader.


Let's take a look at a similar situation in my house. My wife does not like how much time I spend on the computer, after herself and my son go to sleep. She would prefer for me to be asleep in bed at the same time as herself. Yet at the same time she realizes a number of things, among those are:
  • I would not sleep if I went to bed at the same time as her. I would be reading or watching tv, or even just tossing and turing, and in essence it would keep her awake until I finally got tired and fell asleep.
  • While gaming, or surfing or whatever, I am at home. The time I spend on the computer, replaces time I would have otherwise spent watching TV or reading a book.
  • I enjoy gaming much more than tv.

With that, I also realize that I cannot neglect my wife in favor of gaming. I need to be there kissing her goodnite when she retires for the evening. I can't be gaming when the house needs a little work (and I DEFINITLY like gaming more than chores).

So, the questions you must ask yourself are:
  1. Does whatever you are doing cast aspersions upon your love for your wife?
  2. Does whatever, cause you to neglect (or ignore) your wife?
  3. Does whatever, interfere with your, or your household's walk with God?
 
Hi.

Kidan, are you me? Seriously, you just described my home life. G'night to my son, g'night to the wife, and 2 nights out of three, a couple hours of video games. She doesn't like it, but she accepts that I just don't require the sleep she does and that I'd be keeping her awake were I in bed.

Anyway, you'll want to come to some sort of agreement about this situation. It sounds like this activity is something "fun" that you like to do that is just not "fun" to her. If it's something you can live without, consider stopping it. If not, let her know how much you really, really enjoy it, and maybe you could reach an arrangement where if she goes away for the weekend you can do it, or one specific day a week, or something like that.

The other angle you can take would be to find out why it irks her so. If it turns out to be something that can be rectified by doing something else, maybe that could be a solution that keeps everyone happy. Good luck!
 
Kidan said:
Thad - Your priority, as given by God, is to provide a loving, nurturing and Godly home for your wife and children. That is the essence of being a servant leader.


Let's take a look at a similar situation in my house. My wife does not like how much time I spend on the computer, after herself and my son go to sleep. She would prefer for me to be asleep in bed at the same time as herself. Yet at the same time she realizes a number of things, among those are:
  • I would not sleep if I went to bed at the same time as her. I would be reading or watching tv, or even just tossing and turing, and in essence it would keep her awake until I finally got tired and fell asleep.
  • While gaming, or surfing or whatever, I am at home. The time I spend on the computer, replaces time I would have otherwise spent watching TV or reading a book.
  • I enjoy gaming much more than tv.
Click to expand...
My situation is almost exactly what you put, but my wife is not as understanding, and I think it is mainly because I did spend to many years where there was neglect. In the past few years I have cut my time significantly down on the computer (especially gaming) but there is still room for me to grow. I do all of my homework for college on my pc, I mean I don't think there is a part of my life that is not connected to a pc in some way, so I'm not sure how much I can cut down compared to her expectations.

With that, I also realize that I cannot neglect my wife in favor of gaming. I need to be there kissing her goodnite when she retires for the evening. I can't be gaming when the house needs a little work (and I DEFINITLY like gaming more than chores).
Click to expand...

I agree with you here, but what constitutes neglect is different for each person. I still have a lot to work on in this area since she has a pretty strong view on it. I need to work harder on developing my relationship with my wife.

So, the questions you must ask yourself are:
  1. Does whatever you are doing cast aspersions upon your love for your wife?
  2. Does whatever, cause you to neglect (or ignore) your wife?
  3. Does whatever, interfere with your, or your household's walk with God?
Click to expand...

I can answer the first question with a yes if you mean it causes injury to our relationship.

Question 2, I am still working on. I, like you, require little sleep, and like to stay up late. I try very hard during the normal day not to mess with the PC for little things. (she does mind you, and thats ok) But after they are in bed, I don't think it should matter. This is where our struggle is at the moment, and in turn causes question 1 to be a yes. I think I still do to some extent but I also think I have come a long way (especially when talking about gaming) To her, there are only 2 catagories: school stuff and personal stuff. If it is not school work or not something she specifically asked me to do on the PC, it falls into the neglect catagory.

3, is a no, it is what I feel is part of my walk. ToJ has been very important to me and I have tried very hard to be an active partisipant in its growth from the day I first met Tek. I believe in its mission and what it stands for, and that it is a ministry on the verge of breaking out. It has actually caused me to read more, to do research and study more and it has given me people of a similar spiritual belief to lean on in times of need and prayer. I have learned a lot of wisdom from some of the members here and think that my growth has been increased because of this group.

But there lies the biggest part of my problem. She hates this group along with the rest of it. She hates me giving money to it, the work I put into it, the research I have done for the NPO, the fact that I'm going to be partly responsible for it when it happens, etc, etc...And to me, that is what hurts and is the most upsetting.


I don't want any of you to read this the wrong way, my wife is a wonderful person. She is not mean or vendictive, she just has certain expectations of me that I do not meet. While this discussion has almost immediatly turned to gaming (which is a part of the overall issue) the biggest part of the problem is my involvement with ToJ, but it is all related together.


My wife is more important to me and getting my relationship with her in top shape is what I need to concentrate on in the immediate future. I will be praying for guidance and wisdom the next few days. I appreciate the input (sounds like I'm not alone in this situation, but some of you are in better shape than me) and will keep an eye on this for more useful information.

Cory
 
Actually Thad, your involvement with ToJ and gaming are two seperate issues.

If your wife is anything like mine, then she may feel a sort of competition with ToJ. She may be thinking that because you spend time discussing things with people on the forums and in TeamSpeak, that she is not providing enough emotional support for you, or that you don't trust her to provide such. She may not understand why you can talk on the forums, while you don't speak of your feelings that much to her.

Also, if she herself is not involved in games or some online forum, then she may not understand, or feel that she is being kept from a portion of your life. Especiallly when you do those things while shes asleep. She doesn't really know what you're doing, all she sees is that you're spending time in a chair, having conversations with people she doesn't know, when you could be with her.

I once heard someone say that every man and woman is allocated a number of words to speak everyday. Men are given 5000 words, and they use 4995 of those words at work. Women are given 50000 words, and they use 10000 of those at work. They then expect the husband to listen, and reply, to the other 40000 words.

Basically I'm saying is that if she feels that you don't want to talk to her, because you want to talk to the folks in ToJ, that could be a big part of your ails.

A lot of my wife's complaints decreased when I took extra time and effort to talk to her about her day, and about mine (even though she finds what I do boring in the extreme, and routinely tells me so, she still loves the fact that I tell her about it). When I just made myself more available to her, so she can get those other 40,000 words out.

As well, one of those discussions you have with her, is to let her know exactly how you see ToJ and gaming. Let her know that gaming is merely a replacement for television (I say that, because gaming is a replacement for tv for me). Let her know that ToJ is a type of spiritual support group. She, especialy if she's not that interested in gaming or online things in general, may not see it as such, and may even see it as something that she is competing with for your time, attention and love.


As a disclaimer, this is just information from my own situation, and insights gleaned during many hours of discussion on this particular topic over the past few years.
 
Thad, you are definitely not alone in this, and yes give this problem to God. The one question that has not been asked (and you don't have to answer it here) is " is your wife saved?" If not, that is where your problem lies. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it except take a stand for God. God should come first in all things, however, love your wife and pray for her. When I got married my wife was not saved but she knew I was and accepted that and that I was active in church. Once we were married she started going to church with me and eventually accepted Christ as her Saviour. All this to say: I will be praying for both you and your wife. I may be on the wrong track here and if I am I'm sorry but the Lord has laid this on my heart. PRAY!!!
 
Forgot to mention this before, but yes, I too stay up and spend a couple of hours gaming or surfing after my wife and son are asleep. My wife, also, is not very fond of this but is very understanding. Sometimes I'll lay down until she goes to sleep then get back up for a while. She just needs to know that she is more important to me than the computer. My sister and her husband almost divorced over it but they were doing the chat thing alot and each getting a little too close to the other chatters. They ended up getting rid of the computer for a year or so to work on their relationship then when the computer came back, they limited the internet use to exclude chatting. This was especially tough for them as my sister is an IT person with a local medical firm.
 
There is a lot of good advise here and looks like an issue that most, if not all, of us have gone through if we've been married for a little while.

One truth in life is that we are not alone, whatever we may be going through someone else has faced a similar circumstance. I’ve been married over 17 years and the problem of spending time on the computer vs. time with my wife has been a recurring issue over the years. (I’ve been a gamer since Pong came out, and yes I am that old!)
I’m not saying that my wife and I have solved all our problems; there are times that I do still spend too much time on the computer but I have learned a few lessons.

1. If you feel like maybe you should be with her instead of on the PC, you probably should be with her.
2. Like many of you I use to stay up late to play thinking that it shouldn’t matter, if she’s asleep it’s ok. WRONG!!!!! While once in a while it’s ok, my wife has actually told me to go ahead and stay up from time to time; I really believe that it is important to my wife to have me there when she falls asleep.
3. Make sure that you spend time with her daily with no PC around. Don’t even worry about checking email if it’s not critical. It is important that she realizes that you love her and that she is more important than the computer. As men we often think along these lines: “I’ve told her I love her, I’ve spent the last 3 hours with her so she should know it.” That may be true but that doesn’t mean that she feels it. I may get blasted for this but I think it is true; a man thinks with his head, a woman with her heart. As husbands we have to touch their hearts.

Think about this verse:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25

“…as Christ also loved the church…”. After more than 17 years of marriage I am still exploring all that this small verse truly means. All Christ has done for us, His forgiveness, patience, love and a thousand other ways He has loved the church. All of this we, as husbands, are commanded to do for our wives. To me this is staggering in its immensity. I still find “new” meanings to it as time goes on. One thing that it boils down to is that your wife, after God, comes first. Does this mean that you have to give up gaming? I don’t think so, at least not completely. But it does mean that you have to make sure she realizes just how important she is to you. Who knows, maybe eventually she will decide to join you online and play CS with you! :)

Now my disclaimer: I, by no means, have succeeded in all of this. There are times when my wife gets mad at the amount of time I spend on the computer. Sometimes we really have “heated” disagreements. But one thing I have learned to do, especially when things are at their worst (and also when things are at their best). I go to where I can be alone, kneel down and pray. I ask for forgiveness for what I have done wrong and I ask God to work in both of our lives and I just totally give it to Him. Everything always works out when you sincerely give it over to God and submit to His will.
 
I just want to say thanks for the advice given here. I have some praying and thinking to do on a lot of things.

Cory
 
I hope it's OK if I sneak in here. :o I don't spend as much time on CGA as I used to.

I read this a week or so ago and have been praying for you. It really touched my heart. I was planning on replying, but would like to know if there is any update before I write anything.

You around this coming weekend? Maybe we can meet at Baja Fresh or sumthin'. I'm thinking of heading up your way this weekend. I just hope it's not raining.
 
I have the same challenge; I took up Aikido and volunteered at the church on my own, made a date night with were.( WTWice every other week) But I also explained to my wife that I love gaming, but I am willing to sacrifice my time (Spending more quality Time with her. )

My wife and I have had a challenging 2 years. And we needed to find some common Ground. Like; we are considering becoming nutitionalist and personal trainers at an amateur level, because it interests us both, we both need it, it will allow us to help others and most importantly it will be something we can do together and it takes a lot of time. We also are taking up fishing because she likes it as well and I do not mind. (A happy wife is a peaceful home)

But a husband who resents his wife does no good! I do not want to give up gaming, I would be hard pressed to do it, I don’t do sports I do not hunt. I do not drink or smoke anymore. So I do need to entertain myself, and I dislike anything on TV. I love gaming. period

Your dilemma is a challenge, be honest with her, and comprise, I am Puerto Rican/German I completely UNDERSTAND not wanting to give in. And that it takes time, but Love is about sacrifice. I asked my wife, what do I need to do that will make you feel loved, and still have a little time to have my cave time?

Some women can get selfish (AS MEN CAN *Smile* ) but Marriage is comprise. It’s a two way street. We give a little and get a little. Pray and communicate. That’s all we can do

I hope that helps a little and I will pray for you both
 
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I have stayed away from this thread since I do think the man's perspective is going to be much more helpful at bringing a balance, but I would like to insert this thought. Although I am a gamer (not as much as many others, but still like to play) it is hard to bring the balance that is needed between family time and personal gaming time. While my hubby and I both play CS, it is no substitute for talking or laughing together. Personal and intimate times with your wife are going to go very far to helping her feel appreciated. Not presuming to speak for any other wives, but I believe (as the Bible teaches) that we were made to be helpers, not complete doers of everything. When I am able to interact in that role, I feel that both my hubby and I are fitting into God's plan.
 
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