Christian Poem

K

Krysha

New Member
I just wrote this the other night and was wanting to know what everyone here thought of it. No title yet and it still is being worked on a little with the words. but the thought is down ^_^

Soldier of the King above
Fighting to save the lost ones.
Child of the Mighty One
Protected by His loving Son.
Princes and Princesses are we
With thrones waiting in Heaven.

This poem has taken ideas from 3 of my pastors sermons and put them all together.
 
I like it :) but I have to point out that you change from a singular muse to a plural one (Soldier... Child... bam! Princes and Princesses are we.) I'm not saying that's necessarily bad -- maybe you wanted it that way. But it seems a bit odd-ish.

I want to see the final copy :)
 
Smiles I do too but rereading it with Soldiers and Children following Nei's suggestions gives it a nice cadence or rhythm. Since we still know you're tweaking it. Blessings and Hugs, "Angel"
 
Thought I might post another of my poems. This one is alot older and is called The Broken Mirror.

Look into the shattered glass,
The Broken Mirror.
See the many facets,
See who you are.

Pain fills your face,
Anger burns in your eyes,
Fear trembles on your lips.
You see your broken self.

And then Crimson flows
And fills all the cracks.
Mending the mirror
To restore you.

The pain fades away,
The anger burns out,
The fear disappears.
And now when you look
Into the Broken Mirror,
You see yourself,
One piece,
Restored.
You see not a Broken Mirror,
But a whole mirror.

Thank you Lord
For mending
My broken life.
 
I can tell you have a knack for poetry, and I love the words you use. Rhythm is something you might want to work on, if you are open to working on and revising this older work of yours. Generally, poetry benefits greatly from regular pattern of strong and weak beats. There are certainly exceptions - and maybe the first part of a poem about a broken mirror should also have a jagged, irregular, haphazard rhythm. But that should be very intentional and obvious. What you don't want is for the rhythm to be just whatever the words you choose happen to be. Sometimes you'll have to rearrange or find new words, but it will really take your poetry to the next level. Nice work, and please keep posting!

Paul
 
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