King of the Hill, CGA Style

Of course you're allowed. Just come up with a way to get out of the jewel.

Back at the Pastorial HQ, Virtuous spoke to the still woozy, partially broken leader.

"Well, thank Lyssa for your ballfoot training, WBK. All that running into and through people is the only way you could have survived that collision."

"First of all, it's thank JESUS," growled WBK, still under the effects of the double dose of Percoset, yet still feeling the pain of nine broken bones, a ruptured ACL and PCL in his left knee, and dislocated right shoulder.

"You say tomato, I say tomahto," retorted PV.

"And secondly, it's FOOTBALL. How could you not know this after all the alliance chat about Tony Dungy and the Colts winning the Super Bowl?"

"Actually, boss," replied Gemhammer, "we thought it was an ice cream eating contest. You know, the biggest bowl wins."

These guys are starting to drive me nuts, thought WBK. "Jaypi! Are you subbing White or Red mage right now?"

Jaypi simply stood there with a blank, happy stare on his face and emoted /joy and /grin. He was trying to communicate, but as there is no voice acting in FFXI, emotes are the only way he has to say anything.

"OK, let's try this. Can you cast a Cure spell or two on me?"

/nod /clap /cheer /magic:Cure 2 <WildBillKickoff>

Why didn't I think of that before? thought WBK. I feel 100% better now. Time to take back that hill... the Taru could be useful. WBK knelt down and whispered something in Jaypi's... hood? How does that furry midget hear? Maybe that's why he can't talk.

Jaypi, who looks like a cross between a teddy bear and a cabbage patch doll, waddled to the base of the hill. /clap /wave /hug /joy

Neirai, cautiously optimistic about the cute little furball's intentions, called EHP to him. "What do you make of this?"

"Probably a trick to get us off the hill," replied EHP wisely. Neirai weighed her counsel and prepared a defense until a sudden urge overcame him.

He is a cute little thing. What harm could come in making him lunch? NO, DANGIT! NOT AGAIN! I'LL FIGHT THI... fight what? He looks like a little, furry, butterball turkey. He'll make a nice lunch. A little on the scrawny side, but he looks tender and juicy. Wait for it... wait for it... POUNCE!

Neirai bounded forward in lycanthrope form. "NOOO!!" shouted EHP, who cast a spell to slow him down so she could catch up.

Jaypi simply looked curiously at what he saw. He didn't quite understand what was happening, so he decided to have a seat and watch the cat-thing and the nice lady play tag. /sit /clap /cheer

Suddenly, Jaypi remembered the plan. He waited until the nice lady caught up with the cat thing, a few dozen yards from his position, then did as his master told him: /magic: Firaga-doken <Cat Thing and Nice Lady>

Neirai regained control of himself when EHP smacked him on the back of the head with the thrown pink jewel. The last thing he remembered for quite a while afterward was the giant ball of light hurtling at inhuman speed toward him. The fireball struck squarely between the two, burrowing an impact crater ten feet deep into the hill and burning all the fur on Neirai's body before the impact blew both Neirai and EHP backwards in opposite directions.

WBK emerged from his hiding spot and rubbed Jaypi on the head. "Nice job, little buddy."

/joy /cheer /clap /sit /king
 
[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff said:
was the giant ball of light hurtling at inhuman speed toward him. The fireball struck squarely between the two, burrowing an impact crater ten feet deep into the hill and
Click to expand...

Using DBZ imagery should be outlawed.
Oh yeah, and yes, Lazarus is still in the game. He just happens to be in EHP's soul pouch at the moment. But I put that bit about not accidentally destroying the shard in on purpose.

anyhooo....


Neirai chuckled to himself. If WBK had done his research, he would have known that one of Neirai's many exploits in the land of Azeroth was taking part in the mighty band of warriors who defeated the fel god of Flames and Cinders, Ragnaros.

This, of course, meant that Neirai always kept a goodly amount of fire retardant gear on-hand. Or, in this case, on paw. Therefore, even though the massive ball of flame had bounced him thirty meters in the air -- and destroyed his luxurious coat of night-blue fur -- it had, in fact, not even dazed him.

But, it had done some pretty nasty work on Evilhugpower. She hit the ground at a funny angle and a sickening crunch, squeeked, and lay still.

Neirai frowned as he flew through the air. Warlocks. Always have to over-play dying. It's not like I don't know that she'll be right back. Three meters above the ground he suddenly twisted around and landed on all four paws, without even making a sound.

Suddenly Evilhugpower's eyes snapped open and she quietly sat up. This always seemed a little creepy to Neirai, but he was used to it by now -- it wasn't the first time that he'd seen a soulstone in action. He wondered idly whose soul had been consumed in the making, but he knew that Evilhugpower was an ironically conscientious little warlock and so she would never use the soul of a sentient being in one of her little tricks. Besides, sometimes those imprisoned wretches could be useful later on.

Unfortunately it seemed like WBK would prove to be even harder to defeat than it had previously appeared. Neirai and Evilhugpower were powerful fighters, but they both knew that they were better as one-on-one fighters then in attacking groups of enemies, and they were sorely outnumbered, what with WildBill's Pastorial allegiences.

Then Neirai had a brainwave. Bear druids could, in fact, be used as explosive furballs of raking claws -- they just needed to be really mad. This was, however, a problem. Bear druids generate rage over prolonged periods of attacking and taking damage. Most of his encounters with WildBillKickoff had only lasted for one or at most two attacks from either side. How could Neirai generate enough rage to pull off the dreaded "swipe-bomb?"

Standing in the valley just behind a grove of trees to the south of the Hill, Neirai turned to Evilhugpower. "Fetch me a warrior. I don't care who. Just make him a protection warrior!"

Evilhugpower's enormous eyes grew even wider. Drawing fel lines in the air, she suddenly grasped at the darkness and pulled it apart. The space in front of her parted like a curtain -- revealing a dwarf clad from head to toe in thick, heavy plate. He had a shield that looked like it had be crafted from the shell of an ancient, giant beetle.

"Eh? Wott be th' manner of this?" he growled.

Neirai stood to attention and issued the formal rites of hero-binding, as perscribed in The Compendium of Courtly Languages and Binding Oaths of Azeroth: "LFG Warrior for Hill."

The warrior blinked, not recognizing the name of the dungeon. "Wott be this 'Hill,' an' be thar loots of epick kind?"

"Yes, yes, epic loot. If we can defeat those men."

"Aye, they stand no chance! Ye've hired th' greatest tank in all o' Azroth! Jess keep me on me feet an' they'll be no problem." boasted the Dwarf.

Innocently, the druid looked at the dwarf with a puzzled expression. "Tank? No, no... I don't need you to tank. I'm a bear druid -- I can handle the tanking myself."

The dwarf sputtered in indignation. "Tank? by Magni's bronze beard! Ye are a drood, man! Droods cannae tank, they be for healin'! Who's ever hear tell of a drood tank? Why, ye lack the damage mitt-tigashun and ye've got no shield at all. Is a disgrace to----"

Neirai could not hear the dwarf for the sound of the blood pumping in his ears. His ears -- despite being elven ears -- lay back on his head and he began to emit a low growl. With a massive effort of will he turned the focus of his killing rage from the dwarf's throat to the figures moving and dancing on the top of the Hill.


<<This absolutely pointless interlude brought to you by Neirai the Forgiven and cabbage.>>
 
"Jaypi, go back to HQ. You've done a great job, little guy, but you're kind of fragile, and I don't want to see you get hurt. Mastersson, go with him to make sure he gets there OK (and, if something bad happens to the rest of us, so someone can tell him to raise us)."

/sigh /mope

Jaypi started the short waddle back to HQ. The big guy in the black armor was kind of silly looking, so Jaypi decided to play a trick on him. He trotted ahead, and then darted into some underbrush. He didn't even need for the big guy to count to play hide and seek. Then, Jaypi cemented his role a King of Hide and Seek: /magic: Invisible <self>.

Mastersson rounded the corner that Jaypi had just rounded to see... nothing. This was strange, and far beyond the big warrior's comprehension. He liked to smash things and say little, not ponder life's complexities-- including what had happened to the little Taru. So, he continued his march to HQ and figured the little guy would show up sooner or later.
 
arising from the broken peices of the pirate ship and burying crew mates, Atown came up with a most devious plan. He kidnaps a 3 year old and watches it pwn WBK and his army and takes the hill for himself
 
Weakling, thought WBK. He should know that three year olds only cause emotional pain that is quickly overcome by their cuteness. I have a cute weapon on my side as well.

"JAYPI!" bellowed WBK with a bass-baritone that shook dust off the walls. "WE HAVE A PLAYMATE FOR YOU!"

Suddenly, from the deepest recesses of his small mind, Mastersson remembered that he was supposed to be watching the Taru. He looked up from his newest fun, playing rock paper scissors with the three year old (he had lost 27 straight-- apparently, the concept "paper beats rock" never crossed his mind), and grunted.

"Mastersson, do you have something to say?"

The galoot whimpered, and with a combination of emotions that overwhelmed him (sadness and fear, not particularly deep emotions, but enough to overflow the kiddie pool that was his emotional reservoir) the whimper became a full-fledged tear-fest. WBK was taken aback, especially because Jaypi had silently wandered in behind the big man and started playing with the three year old with moderate success. WBK quietly tapped Mastersson on the shoulder and pointed to the little mage. Mastersson gave one last heaving sigh, and wiped his face with the three year old's shirt. Of course, he was still wearing said shirt, and this caused another, much more shrill tantrum.

"Are you guys done now?" asked WBK lovingsarcastically. "We have a hill to take back."

A long battle ensued, and Atown was, as Mike Tyson put it, caused to "fade into Bolivian." Here's hoping he understands Spanish.

/king
 
Ah. I must intercede.

...

Lazarus sent the thought again. "Release me."

Evilhugpower closed her eyes, trying to resist. "No - no."
"'Ey - wot you talkin' to?" the dwarf growled.

Her eyes popped open.

"Release me."

Evilhugpower's hand moved unwillingly toward the pouch on her belt, unsnapping it. The purple jewel fell into her hand.

"Release me."

She dropped the jewel to the ground and stepped back, fingers twitching.

"Release me."

The dwarf moved toward the stone. "Wot is this?"
He bent down, picking it up. The jewel glowed.
White-hot pain flashed through the dwarf's hand. He howled and dropped the stone.

He raised an axe and moved toward the witch, preparing to cut her head off.
Evilhugpower released Lazarus from the purple jewel. A moment later it flashed and shifted, turning into a large rock.

Lazarus picked it up and bopped the dwarf over the head, then threw it at Evilhugpower, hitting her in the stomach. She bent over, gasping for air, and he grabbed the axe and coshed her over the head.

Lazarus turned toward the hill, where the druid was sneaking toward WBK.
A smile crept onto his face and he turned, running swiftly around the circumference of the tall mound of dirt.

...

Wild Bill Kickoff was abruptly surprised by a ferocious wolverine charging over the top of the hill. It grabbed Jaypi in it's jaws and shook, then released; sending the cute little thing flying into the air.

Mastersson grabbed his weapon and stood, only to be greeted by Neirai biting down on his leg.
"AahHHHAaAAH!" he screamed.
The wolverine swung him around and let go again. Mastersson vanished below.

The remaining warriors fell as well under the onslaught of the wild wolverine.

And then it was just Wild Bill Kickoff and Neirai, in his real form. They stared at eachother, unblinking.

Behind them, Lazarus crawled through the grass. He spotted their heads and quickly ducked, pulling a Chu-Ko-Nu out of his shirt.

Suddenly Lazarus stood and charged. The crossbow in his hands fired and fired again. Ten bolts whizzed through the air, taking both WBK and Neirai down.

Lazarus grabbed one of the wounded warriers. "Drag 'em out of here." he ordered.

A moment later he stood alone - unchallenged.
"KING OF THE HILL! HOO-RAH!"
 
I tossed a sonic charge at the hill and everyone was blown off but was left alive, so it was non-lethal.

I then claimed my rightful title. WEEEE!!!
 
YOu lazy bum. :)

Lazarus grabbed C$ and pressed a stun gun into the base of his neck. C$ screamed in agony for several - days... then Lazarus released the poor kid, whose nerves were shattered, and he staggered away.

W00T! KING OF TEH HILL!

Lazarus trips over his untied shoelace and falls into a gopher hole, breaking his leg.
Uh-oh.;.
 
I turned around and blasted Laz with frozen paintballs. He limped away on his gopher-broken leg and I claimed my title as "Laziest King o' t3h Hill Ever"
 
Lazarus rips his OWN leg off with super-human strength, runs the height of the hill on ONE leg(!), and proceeds to beat C$ unconscious with the leg!

Then he rips a sinew out of C$'s body, uses it to sew his leg back on, and tosses C$ off the hill.

"KING O' TH' HILL! ... YEOWWWW!"

Lazarus accidentally put his full weight on the injured leg and screamed in agony.
 
I rolled back up the hill, tripping Laz and sending HIM rolling down the hill

"Ouch, I'm, ouch, King, ouch, of, ouch, the hill, ouch, can someone, ouch, donate me a tendon? OUCH"
 
Lazars roller-skates back up the hill with a rocket attached to his back and barrels into C$, sending him flying.

"Here, I'll lend ya a tendon!" he yells, throwing a chicken wing at C$ - then incinerating it and char-broiling C$'s face with a flamethrower.

Another blast from the flamethrower blows C$ off the cliff in a cloud of sparks and flames.

"KING OF THE HILL!" Lazarus screams excitedly - then triggers his jetpack accidentally and is roller-skated into a tree.

WHAM!

"Ohhhhh..."
 
Luckily, Halonic Healer was standing by. He cast Mend Ailment and Regenerate Tendons (a new skill not yet released to the layman's of GW) and Heal Other. Revived, I threw a haymaker into Laz's stomach and bodily tossed him from the scene.
 
But Lazarus would not be denied his rightful title for long.

Picking up an AT-4 that looked like it had walked right out of America's Army, he aimed and fired. The rocket blazed forward and exploded, throwing C$ into the air amid a cloud of flying dirt and grass.

Then Lazarus picked up C$'s unconscious body, slapped a medpack on his wounds("Ouch -he's bleeding out."), then dropped him into one of Archimedes' old catapults and sent him flying.

C$ landed in a swamp several miles away.

"Ahem - LAZARUS IS KING OF THE HILL!" he shouted.
 
But C$ never made it back onto the hill(Or he would have said so), because a giant blob of mud attempted to swallow him, and he was forced to visit the laundromat to have all of his clothes cleaned.

Lazarus struggled over the crest of the hill, panting heavily. He forced himself to one knee and planted a huge nuke in the ground, then stood on it with the detonator in his hand.

"Anyone gets to close, and the King of the Hill is gonna blow you to Kingdom come!" he shouted furiously, thumb on the red button of the detonator.
 
I reappeared for seemingly no reason three feet away from Laz... Luckily, his back was turned to me.

I clubbed him on the head with a Pokemon card and he dropped the detonator.
"What's THIS do?" I asked the unconscious Laz.
"Oh well. I'll see for myself.

BOOM!

I was then king of the pit.
 
ROFL. :D

After I landed several miles away...(I was blown so high that the crater upon landing was several yards high)... I staggered away to a NEW HILL and proclaimed myself once again King of the Hill!

C$ left his kingdom...(well, pitdom), and came over to start another rebellion, but I quickly vanquished it by stuffing Gary Coleman into his trachea and then dropping him into a large model rocket with "Destination Moon" stenciled on the side and lighting the motor. C$ went up into the sky screaming and yelling and moaning.

"I AM T3H KING OF TEH HILLZ0RZ!" :-O
 
I then claimed a moon-hill as the new hill. I led my aliens in an epic 4-minute battle that won back the earth-hill and I banished Laz to the moon hill, where the aliens blew him up.
 
You can't do that! :mad: :D

Lazarus watched from the top of the hill as C$ lay unconscious on the ground, a silly smile on his face.

"He's dreaming again." he thought. "Probably something about a 4 minute epic battle that defeats me and banishes me to the moon where aliens blow me up... what a psycho..."

...this incredibly boring interlude brought to you by none other than...

THE ONE - THE ONLY - THE KING OF THE HILLLLLL!!!
 
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