King of the Hill, CGA Style

You can't do that! :mad: :D
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And why not? I'm not OBLIGATED to write a 10,000 word post... I did 2 sentences, just like the rules said

I woke up and backhanded Laz so hard that he said "Mamma Mia!" And rolled down the hill.

I then sent a giant snowball rolling down after him, and--SQUISH--it sort of absorbed him and continued rolling away. I claimed my title and then drank some grape soda and reveled in my kingliness.
 
Uh, Dude - that was only ONE sentence!

The snowball rolled into the ocean and gathered speed, flashing through the waves and absorbing water like no tomorrow. The myth of global warming was proved WRONG yet again as it turned into a glacier overnight!

Lazarus chipped his way out with an icepick and then sat back and waited as the glacier carved a giant slice through the United States on it's way toward the Hill.

When it finally reached it, he strapped on a pair of skates and skated down the side of the huge glacier.

Gathering speed at every turn, Lazarus accellerated to 700MPH(The speed of sound, w00t!), shot into the air, and landed on C$ at Mach 1.5, breaking his spine and several other body parts.

The glacier melted and formed a huge river, into which Lazarus dumped C$ and he peacefully floated away.

The new King of the Hill took a sip of C$'s grape soda and chuckled softly.
 
I threw a boomerang from where I was (after feigning unconsciousness) and got my soda back. I then attached dynamite to the boomerang and threw it, and it exploded just in time when it reached Laz. He survived, of course--he's just somewhere in the stratosphere right now. I hope he remembered his parachute!
I then claimed my title, AGAIN.
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And yes, that controversial post of mine WAS two sentences, "dude"

I then claimed a moon-hill as the new hill period!!----->.<----period!! (new sentence now) I led my aliens in an epic 4-minute battle that won back the earth-hill and I banished Laz to the moon hill, where the aliens blew him up.
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No no. Read my original post - the part in quotes is the turn you made that was illegal, DUDE. :) (Let's turn this into a heated argument, C$.)

I landed on C$'s head, shattering his collarbone - then engaged in hand-to-hand combat that ended with a leg throw that permanently destroyed C$'s hip. I then round-house kicked him to Pluto and took my title back.
 
...no, not really.

--=interlude=--

Lazarus watched C$ crawl slowly up the hill toward him - then falter, slip, and plunge 2300 feet down to his demise.

He shrugged and took a sip of his grape soda. "King Lazarus - it has a ring to it, don't you think?"

Lazarus awoke suddenly and looked around. Pancho and Villa were asleep at their posts.
"Wake up, you bums!" he shouted.
--=interlude=--
 
Suddenly, the ground rumbled and cracked, spewing hot lava all around the hill. TJ jumped out from the boiling rock, and pushed Laz in, laughing all the while as the former king melted. Taking his seat upon his throne, he smiled and started playing Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6: Vegas.
 
Suddenly, the game crashed and a huge smirking face that looked just like Lazarus appeared on the screen.

"I hacked your computer!" the speakers blared.

As TJ stared in shock, a window opened and he could see a program start deleting all of his files, one by one.

"NOOOOOO!"

Then it formatted the harddrive. As the screen blinked wildly, TJ screamed in rage.

And his computer exploded, throwing TJ off the mountain. Lazarus climbed over the other side of the hill at that moment, tossed a detonator after TJ(it hit him on the head), and sat down on the vacated throne.

"Heh heh heh. Anyone gets near me and I'll trigger the nuke hidden in the throne." he snickered.
 
While Laz was laughing like a helium-filled Speedy Gonzales, TJ triggered the nuke hidden in the throne (that the king was sitting on). Laz died -- twice.

The mushroom cloud loomed overhead, ready to put the dunce cap on TJ when suddenly, a freak tornado blew it away. Smiling, he pulled out a Snickers and took a bite -- and snickered. The smooth caramel and chocolate massaged his tongue, helping him celebrate his victory.

TJ ran to claim his throne, but stopped dead in his tracks. Dropping the rest of the Snickers bar and falling to his knees, a tear dripped down his cheek. A knot pulsed in his throat.

The hill was gone. It had been leveled from the nuke. "I ruined the game..." He sobbed. "My once chance at greatness, and I BLEW IT UP!"

A poke on his ear caught his attention. It was Jiminy Cricket, his conscience. "Suck it up," he said, then disappeared.

The new king (of the nothing) got back on his feet and took a step forward, accidentally into a puddle "... great. Wet sock." The water was icy, sapping his warmth like a parasite.

In a desperate attempt to shift the blame, he pointed the finger in the air and screamed, "Laz, this is all your fault!"

The vaporized particles of the former king laughed.
 
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But Laz had a plan! He stole Bill Gates' fortune and used it to hire a company to raise a huge mound of dirt in the same area, and the Hill was REBORN!

While constructing it, the works noticed a guy with a guitar sitting in the middle and ranting at the air. Lazarus told them to just ignore him.

So as it turned out, TJ was buried in the very middle of the hill and most probably died(along with Jiminy Cricket).

Lazarus sat down on his throne and wondered where the court jester(C$) was.
 
But before the court jester could arrive, TJ did.

"Alright Lazarus, I'm going to make you an offer."

The king nodded as he licked his toenail. I could have sworn I saw a bubble... "Yeah, yeah. What do you want?"

"I want to make a trade. I shall become king and reign with an iron fist. And you will leave with your life."

The king started chewing on his foot like a dog with a squeeky toy. "A-gaa, goo-shally..." TJ couldn't understand what he was saying over Laz's gnawing, so he let out a cough. Laz took the hint. "I said, 'ok, whatever.'"

So there he went, the former king Lazarus. He walked away, out into the distance, with absolutely no care in the world. In no way would he ever decide to return. No bets, changes of heart, miraculous events, random possession, magic, nor creative writing skills would bring him back. He was gone forever.

TJ smiled as he ushered in his new slaves/servants. They quickly build a giant concrete wall (impenatrable to heat and explosions and lightsabers and creative writing skills) with a diamond crafted barbed wire cover over the entire complex (also immune to everything). Underneath was a giant diamond slab, protecting the entire hill (also immune to everything). His slaves/servants then happily patrolled and guarded the entire fortress, without a care in the world except their king's safety. Also, TJ paid his servants well, so there was no threat of rebellion.

"Ahh, this is nice," TJ -- TeH 1337 King-a-pwnage -- said, picking up a discarded Snickers bar. Realizing it was his old one, he chomped away.
 
I tore off my jester's hat, which contained C4 explosives (and, after all, you only have to hold down shift at all times to re-type C4 as C$!) and tossed it on TJ's lap. I then detonated it and, though his king-a-pwnage insurance would cover his medical bills, he'd have to go through reconstructive surgeries to salvage his golden "Flava Flav" grille.

"K1NGX0RX!!!" I shouted, and sat down, giggling, to a dinner with Jim Gaffigan.
 
And then the great Moderators of the Sky looked down on C$ and frowned.

"C$, why, oh why are you writing in first person?"

"Because it r0xx0rzz!11!!1!. I figured all the 'Thirds' were just trying to be like Ender Wiggin."

"Ahh, but..."

"No really, dudes. It's ok."

"But... but..."

The Moderators of the Sky, now deeply saddened and filled with feelings of rejection, body-slammed C$ to nothingness. TJ, after his reconstructive surgery, was as good looking as ever. Since there was no one around, he simply strolled right up to his throne and took a seat. "I guess I'm king again." And then a thought struck his mind. "How did C$ get through my king-a-pwnage defense system?"

"I can answer that..." said a mysterious fellow.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Jim Gaffigan."

"Who's that?"

He sighed. "I'm just a nobody."

Then TJ picked Jim up and threw him into a pool full of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. "Bye-bye, Jim!" he said with a Dr. Evil laugh.
 
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The same way Lazarus did - through the garbage tunnel!

A garbage-covered and reeking Lazarus runs toward TJ from behind, picks him up, telescopes his spine in and out until he looks like Gary Coleman's son, then throws him outside the castle where the "king-a-pwnage defense system" pwns him in seconds.

Lazarus sat down on the throne and placed the crown carefully on his head, making a mental note to have the staff clean up all the gum wrappers and old Snickers bars lying around.
 
And the problem with first person is...?
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I then re-metabolizedx0rx myselfx0rx and t3h th3nz0rz!!! I tackled Laz.

The struggle that ensued was the greatest epic mano e mano pwnfest in history. It lasted four minutes.

But, sadly, Laz was pulverized and became MY court jester when I claimed the throne. I discovered a plot to de-throne me and I promptly shot him in the foot. I'm waiting for his medical report to see if insurance would cover it.
 
Lazarus limped up to C$ and battered him with his broken foot until he resembled a fish filet. Then he promptly ordered the royal chef to serve Chicken Soup(literally!) for dinner and ate an M&M.
 
Edit: this item may seem out of place as there has been 5 posts since I started and finished. :p

<<A little while earlier>>

Neirai wheeled in the sky above the Hill He grimaced wryly to himself. The three-week treck from level 60 to level 70 had left him out of the action for quite some time. He felt refreshed, though. His newfound powers over weather, coupled with gaining the abilities of avianthropy (bird-type shapeshifting) had made the hiatus well worth it.

On the plus side, he hadn't spent so much time in avian forms as to cause him to develop aviantropic psychosis yet, and his time out of feral forms had allowed him to almost completely recover from his lycantropic psychosis. All that remained of feralsbane symptoms was an inane desire to cover his toilet with dirt every time he---

Suddenly Neirai felt a mighty tremor rush through the air. Instinctively, he climbed higher. Just in time, too -- a ginormous nuclear cloud filled the sky. He blinked in amazement. Humans really did know how to overdo things.

Quickly Neirai began to feel sicker and sicker and sicker. What was going on? He did a quick check of his combat log.

<Nuclear radiation hits you for 1 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 1.>
<Nuclear radiation hits you for 2 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 2.>
<Nuclear radiation hits you for 4 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 3.>
<Nuclear radiation hits you for 8 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 4.>

Hmm... the glowing cloud seemed to cause a minor amount of damage, and to cause a debuff.

<Nuclear radiation hits you for 32 nature damage.>
<You are inflicted with Radiation sickness 6.>

Neirai wondered how high this buff could stack. But about the same time that it hit him for 256 points of nature damage, he decided he was through with figuring out semantics of debuffery. In the harsh, grating voice of the storm crow, he yelled out: "By the three winds of Kalimdor, I command you to leave this place!"

Immediately a cyclonic wind appeared and blew the nuclear fallout away. Looking down at the ground below him, he saw a guitarist being buried by a frontend loader.

A strange feeling began to permeate his consciousness. He'd felt this way before, long, long ago...

It took him a long time to figure out what the problem was. So long, in fact, that by the time he remembered, the battle had waged on for a long while and kings had been desposed and then.................. Laz was king again.

Suddenly he remembered! He shifted from bird form to cat form, dropping 20,000 feet from the air and onto the Hill Mark II.

"Run, Laz!" he snarled. Laz looked at him strangely, and the brought his new weapon -- a depleted plutonium rubber chicken slingshot -- to bear on the druid's head.

"No, you fool! You don't understand the danger!!" Neirai felt a sinking feeling. The stupid human hadn't figured out that this had gotten past the simple "game" stage. This was no King of the Hill struggle. This was a struggle for survival. Laz pulled back on the slingshot, a grin on his face.

Suddenly a thin burst of wind grabbed Laz and threw him into the air, where it held him, three thousand feet above the ground. "It's for your own good..." The druid's voice floated up to him.

Neirai's head suddenly snapped around as Laz's two chumps pointed their fully automatic rifles at him.

But just as suddenly, the ground beneath them burst into pale blue balefire. The hair on Neirai's back stood on end as they screamed in torment, and then powdered into ash. Crowned in an aura of unholy fire stood a figure Neirai had wished never to see again. The ageless eyes bored into him.

"Jiminy Cricket. My archenemy." Neirai wished desperately that he was somewhere else. "I thought that you were dead."

The apparition regarded him with disgust. "Several times, in fact. Dying's such a bore, you know." Then his expression hardened. "I murdered your father and mother, your sister and you brother. I even killed off TJ's conscience and replaced him with myself, all because he reminded me of you. Now, you are the last of your family, and you will die by my hand."

"Never, foul creature of deepest evil! I will avenge my family! Prepare to die!!"

The ground beneath Neirai's feet began to break apart, and he could see balefire beneath it, but Neirai was not afraid. He jumped into the air and assumed the form of a crow. Jiminy Cricket seemed surprised that his balefire had not consumed the druid.

Neirai laughed mirthlessly to himself. It had seemed so easy to escape the evil being. But all of a sudden Jiminy was standing in the air in front of him. Whistling "When You Wish Upon A Star," the dark agent of chaos was holding his gloved hands above his head. A giant ball of superheated plasma began to form in the air, growing bigger and bigger as it spun above the midget disney creature.

Suddenly, Neirai had an idea. For the first time in a long while, he switched from his bird form into his natural form -- that of an elf. As he fell towards the earth, he called on the powers of balance and focused his thoughts on the spinning ball of fire. "By Elune -- STARFALL!!!" he yelled.

Jiminy's star turned from bright yellow to deep blue and rocketted straight to the ground. Unfortunately for the cricket, he was still standing underneath it. The arcane starfall hit him squarely in the head and excised his evil from the universe. Balance was restored.

Turning back into a crow (at the last second, of course,) Neirai flew over to Laz. "Sorry about that, dude, but it's an old family feud thing, eh?"

Laz couldn't understand a thing the druid was talking aboot. He really realized that he needed a course in Canadian speach. His silence annoyed the druid, who decided to punish him for him impunity by releasing him from the funnel of air. The drop was quite unforgiving.

Neirai landed gracefully on the part of the Hill that was not covered in bits of smushed Lazarus, nor a giant crater from the starfire. He began to preen, in the way only the KING OF THE HILL MARK II could.
 
"Reminds me of a gull - how disgusting." Laz grumbled, crawling up behind Neirai.

Before the druid could exercise any of his powers, Lazarus flicked his thumb and a crane dropped a giant boulder on Neirai's head, crushing him inexorably.

Lazarus brushed crow feathers off of the throne and basked in the glory of his Kinghood.
 
I then deployed Cat Tank, which wiped out Laz forever (but in the most non-lethal way possible)

I claimed my title and then started writing Richard Simmons jokes.

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