The funnies! :)

S

satjome

New Member
I thought it would be neat to have a funny comments/jokes/phrases page. here is a funny one i heard in church:
It was a hot day and john and jesus were both kids. John was playing at jesus's house.Since it was a hot day,mary told them to go play in the pool. "And jesus,this time play IN the water and not on the water."
"But mom,john always dunks me!"
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Not a bad idea heres one. "It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here "
 
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! good one pop. heres one: A golfer from arizona dies and goes to hell, when he arrives he asks satan if they have any gold courses. satan replys: yeah we have the 2nd finest courses in the universe fully functional with jet fueled carts. ALRIGHT says the golfer and asks where are all of the clubs and balls are. Satan says: we dont have any, thats the hell of it:p .
 
i posted this in a different topic,but nobody saw it:
HERE is a very funny article about xbox:
Xbox deflects real bullets


Irate Marylander shoots his roommates' console, but the 9mm round fails to penetrate its casing.

When called to investigate a shooting last Friday night, police in Anne Arundel County, Maryland found an unlikely culprit--an Xbox.


The Baltimore Sun reports that 34-year old Robert Preston Kersey had grown enraged by his roommates constantly playing their Xbox at high volume. According to the police report, Kersey emerged from his bedroom at 2 a.m. brandishing an automatic pistol. Rather than shoot his roommates, Kersey took aim at the offending Xbox and fired a single shot at the console. While the bullet's impact disabled the Xbox, its thick plastic casing deflected the 9mm round, which ricocheted away harmlessly.

Other than the Xbox, no injuries resulted from the incident. Kersey was later booked on two counts of reckless endangerment and one count of destruction of property.
 
alrite, this one is lame unless ur a red wings fan, and sucks if ur an avs fan

Patrick Roy, avalanche goalie dies. when he gets to heaven, God shows him to his house there, he sees a nice little house with a avalanche motif. He thanks God for the house, then looks over next door, sees a huge mansion with red wings banners and stuff all over. He turns to God and asks, "Why does Yzerman get that big house, and i only get this little one, what did i do wrong?" God replies to him, "What that house over there," He turns and points at the mansion, "thats not yzermans house, thats mine". In short, GO WINGS!!

lol, lame i know, if i remember my bill gates and hell joke, ill post it later.
 
uuuh yeah who are the red wings again??
 
detroits hockey team, usually always in the top 3, and even more the top position, there is a reason detroit is called hockeytown, like i said, unless ur a hockey fan, u probly wouldnt get it. and that xbox one, thats an old one, well not time wise, just u here it on pretty much every forum there is out there.
 
ooooooooooooooooooooooh. ok btw since u know hocky how does the seattle team do? i know we have one up here but i dont know their status.
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] ]uuuh yeah who are the red wings again??
Click to expand...
I hate sports and I know who they are! Anyway here is another one I may or may not have posted awhile back I cant remember. There was more to it but I had to edit some parts out and change some words.
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples not 10.

4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his butt.

5. WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C and the boys."

6. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."

7. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

8. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"

9. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

10. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

11. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his donkey.

12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
 
not really funny, but reminds us what christmas is about:

Subject: Twas the night before Christmas, new version!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Twas the night before Christmas
> > > > and all through the town
> > > > Not a sign of Baby Jesus
> > > > was anywhere to be found.
> > > >
> > > > The people were all busy
> > > > with Christmas time chores
> > > > Like decorating, and baking,
> > > > and shopping in stores.
> > > >
> > > > No one sang "Away in a manger,
> > > > no crib for a bed".
> > > > Instead, they sang of Santa
> > > > dressed-up in bright red..
> > > >
> > > > Mama watched Martha Stewart,
> > > > Papa drank beer from a tap.
> > > > As hour upon hour
> > > > the presents they'd wrap.
> > > >
> > > > Then what from the TV
> > > > did they suddenly hear?
> > > > 'Cept an ad.. Which told
> > > > of a big sale at Sears.
> > > >
> > > > So away to the mall
> > > > they all flew like a flash...
> > > > Buying things on credit...
> > > > and others with cash!
> > > >
> > > > And, as they made their way home
> > > > from their trip to the mall,
> > > > did they think about Jesus?
> > > > Oh, no... not at all.
> > > >
> > > > Their lives were so busy
> > > > with their Christmas time things
> > > > No time to remember
> > > > Christ Jesus, the King.
> > > >
> > > > There were presents to wrap
> > > > and cookies to bake.
> > > > How could they stop and remember
> > > > who died for their sake?
> > > >
> > > > To pray to the Savior...
> > > > they had no time to stop.
> > > > Because they needed more time to
> > > > "Shop til they dropped!"
> > > >
> > > > On Wal-mart! On K-mart!
> > > > On Target! On Penney's!
> > > > On Hallmark! On Zales!
> > > > A quick lunch at Denny's
> > > >
> > > > From the big stores downtown
> > > > to the stores at the mall
> > > > They would dash away, dash away,
> > > > and visit them all!
> > > >
> > > > And up on the roof,
> > > > there arose such a clatter
> > > > As grandpa hung icicle lights
> > > > up on his brand new stepladder.
> > > >
> > > > He hung lights that would flash.
> > > > He hung lights that would twirl.
> > > > Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus...
> > > > Light of the World.
> > > >
> > > > Christ's eyes... how they twinkle!
> > > > Christ's Spirit... how merry!
> > > > Christ's love... how enormous!
> > > > All our burdens... He'll carry!
> > > >
> > > > So instead of being busy,
> > > > overworked, and uptight
> > > > Let's put Christ back in Christmas,
> > > > and enjoy some good nights!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Merry Christmas!
 
Hu is He
Fred appraoced John. "Hello John, I heard you know Hebrew"? "Yes I do." replied John.

Fred: I was wondering what the Hebrew for he is?
John: Hu.
Fred: Not any one in particular, I just wanted to know what is he?
John: Hee is she.
Fred: Who?
John: No, Hu is he.
Fred: I thought you said he is she?
John: Yes, that is correct.
Fred: What is correct?
John: Hee is she.
Fred: I have no idea what you said. Who is she?
John: No, hu is he.
Fred: I dont want to know who he is, now I want to know what she is in Hebrew?
John: Hee.
Fred: He Who?
John: Yes that is correct. But, hee is she.
Fred: Who is she?
John: No, Hu is he.
Fred: Why do you keep asking me "who is he"?
John: I thought you were asking me what he is in Hebrew?
Fred: Me?
John: That is who.
Fred: Who is me?
John: No, Hu is he, mee is who.
Fred: I don't want to know who you are, I want to know who is he?
John: That is correct.
Fred: But, I have no idea what I am saying.
John: But you say it so well.
Fred: Who me?
John: Why are you asking me who he is?
Fred: No, I am asking you what is he.
John: Hee is she.
Fred: Who is she?
John: No, hu is hee.
Fred: I am very lost. Me is who? Who is he? He is She?
John: Very good, you said that very well.
Fred: What did I say?
John: Mee is who, hu is he and hee is she.
Fred: Well if you must know, you are crazy, I don't know who he is and if she is a he, I sure don't want to know her?
 
cRedneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. 66 Ford Fairlane,

B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle,

C. 64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many poor hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Texas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 40-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?
 
srry i havent wanted to do the auctual math but i know a few guys who could pass that with flying colors :P
 
In the beginning
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.

Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point, God created Hell.
 
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