The funnies! :)

"Priest, Preacher, Rabbi, and The Bear"
> >
> >
> > > A priest, a rabbi, and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
> > >
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
> > >
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
> > >
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is and on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
> > >
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims,
"WELL brothers ....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... ......WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from Lord's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him
and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on Lord's HOOOOLY word."
> > >
They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one!"
 
The Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.


For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"


The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
 
A man was dying and asked for the preacher to come in and motioned frantically. "i understand you want to write someting to your wife and i shall bring paper and pen." So he grabber a pad of paper and a pen from the desk and gave it to the dying man. The dying man scribbled something, pressed it into the priest's hand and died.
After admisitering the last rites, he took the paper to his wife and said " Your husband wrote this just before he died and asked me to bring this to you. She opened the letter and read it. it reads : GET OFF MY !#@$#%!@# OXYGEN HOSE!!!! (the priest was standing on the hose)
laugh.gif
 
The Gift That Keeps On Giving (complete story)

From the web page http://www.patriot-paradox.com/archives/000284.html

The one present Roy Collette wasn't looking forward to getting for Christmas 1988 was those pants. Yet he knew he was in trouble as soon as the flatbed truck bearing a concrete-filled tank off a truck used to deliver ready-mix rolled up. Sure as God made little green apples, those pants had to be in there. And he was going to have to fish them out, else declare his brother-in-law the winner of a rivalry that had spanned 20 years.


Being the sport he is, brother-in-law Larry Kunkel thoughtfully supplied the services of a crane to hoist the concrete-filled tank off the flatbed.


What's this game, you ask? What was the significance of these pants, and why were two grown men going to such efforts year after year to retrieve them, only to send them off again?


It all began in 1964 when Larry Kunkel's mom gave him a pair of moleskin pants. After wearing them a few times, he found they froze stiff in Minnesota winters and thus wouldn't do. That next Christmas, he wrapped the garment in pretty paper and presented it to his brother-in-law.


Brother-in-law Roy Collette discovered he didn't want them either. He bided his time until the Christmas after, then packaged them up and gave them back to Kunkel. This yearly exchange proceeded amicably until one year Collette twisted the pants tightly and stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide pipe.


And so the game began. Year after year, as the pants were shuffled back and forth, the brothers strove to make unwrapping them more difficult, perhaps in the hope of ending the tradition. In retaliation for the pipe, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.


The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. As the game evolved, so did the rules. Only "legal and moral" methods of wrapping were permitted. Wrapping expenses were kept to a minimum with only junk parts used.
Kunkel next had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.


Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can, which he soldered shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.


Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.


Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who was the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.


The pants next turned up in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.


In 1982 Kunkel faced the problem of retrieving the pants from a tire 8 feet high and 2 feet wide and filled with 6,000 pounds of concrete. On the outside Collette had written, "Have a Goodyear."


In 1983 the pants came back to Collette in a 17.5-foot red rocket ship filled with concrete and weighing 6 tons. Five feet in diameter, with pipes 6 inches in diameter outside running the length of the ship and a launching pad attached to its bottom, the rocket sported a picture of the pants fluttering atop it. Inside the rocket were 15 concrete-filled canisters, one of which housed the pants.


Collette's revenge for the rocket ship was delivered to Kunkel in the form of a 4-ton Rubik's Cube in 1985. The cube was made of concrete that had been baked in a kiln and covered with 2,000 board feet of lumber.


Kunkel "solved the cube," and for 1986 gift-giving repackaged the pants into a station wagon filled with 170 steel generators all welded together. Because the pants have to be retrieved undamaged, Collette was faced with carefully taking apart each component.


What happened to the pants in 1987 is a mystery, and their 1988 packaging (concrete-filled tank) was mentioned at the beginning of this page. Sadly, 1989's packaging scheme brought the demise of the much-abused garment.


Collette was inspired to encase the pantaloons in 10,000 pounds of jagged glass that he would then deposit in Kunkel's front yard. "It would have been a great one - really messy," Kunkel ruefully admitted. The pants were shipped to a friend in Tennessee who managed a glass manufacturing company. While molten glass was being poured over the insulated container that held them, an oversized chunk fractured, transforming the pants into a pile of ashes.


The ashes were deposited into a brass urn and delivered to Kunkel along with this epitaph:


Sorry, Old Man Here lies the Pants. . . An attempt to cast the pants in glass brought about the demise of the pants at last.


The urn now graces the fireplace mantel in Kunkel's home.

http://www.gcfl.net/archive/20031222.html
 
One day, a bunch of scientists got together and held a conference. By the end of the conferance, they determined there was no more use for God. So, they elected a spokesman to tell God the bad news.

"God," says the scientist, "we have determined we no longer have need for you."

"Oh," replies God, "how do you figure?"

"Well, we can explain everything with science. We can replicate all of nature. Our knowledge is doubling every couple of years and we have laws to replace morallity."

"Is that so, you can create anything I have created?" Quized God. "If that be the case, are you interested in a challange?"

"Sure God, you name it, science can do it or explain it without you." Answered the scientist.

"Ok, the challange is to make a man, the old fashioned way. The way I first created man, from the dust of the earth. If you can do so, I will gladly leave you and all mankind to your own devises. Agreed?" God challanged.

"Agreed. Easy as 123 God." Accepted the scientist.

As the scientist went to grab a handful of dirt, God said, "Woah, slow down there cowboy. Get your own dirt."
 
FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
Let's see if it's loaded,
That trains going slow, we can make it
ooh, look a cute little tiger.
wink.gif
laugh.gif
 
hehehe heres an old one : a blond walks into a bar and says ow! lol ok heres for a real one: in new mexico 3 guys after seeing a newspaper add for someone selling a gun they decide to rob the man with the gun. 2 guys died and the 3rd is no critically injured. heres another: in a county jail a man who was put there for tresspassing was pacing around his jail cell when he slipd on his own poo and hit his head on the ground killing himself.
 
Six married men will be dropped on an island with
1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all
chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if ............. he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years ... eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."
 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats the most evil game ever created!! jk, i dont believe anyone but moms are able to do all that.
 
Top 36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Southern Man

36. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
34. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
33. We don't keep firearms in this house.
32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
31. You can't feed that to the dog.
30. I thought Graceland was tacky.
29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
28. Wrestling's fake.
27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
26. We're vegetarians.
25. Do you think my gut is too big?
24. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
23. Honey, we don't need another dog.
22. Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?
21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
15. The tires on that truck are too big.
14. I'll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.
13. I've got it all on the C: drive.
12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
9. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
7. Checkmate.
6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
2. You all.


And, Number ONE is:


1. Duct tape won't fix that.



http://www.gcfl.net/archive/20040113.html
 
YEAH!!!! there we go theres some good o'l jokes
biggrin.gif
. quick question how many of ya'll will auctually say "ya'll" in a online game??
 
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Atown @ Jan. 15 2004,1:27)]YEAH!!!! there we go theres some good o'l jokes
biggrin.gif
. quick question how many of ya'll will auctually say "ya'll" in a online game??
Click to expand...
I am not southerner so do I really have to answer that?
 
yes u do. technically i aint sourthen becuase i live in washingtn state but its fun as heck to use simple terms such as ya'll n aint
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top