In the Words of a Gerbil...

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Tuesday, June 18, 2019 at 9:40 PM from toj.cc Mighty Gerbil:

(dons excessively calm voice...)

Welcome to the Joy of TF2.
Today we're going to paint a pretty picture on Toj TF2 game night.

First, you're going to want to get out your melee, find someone
and beat the devil out of him.

After making sure your cart is all nice and clean of enemies
make sure to lay down a thick coat of your opponents blood.
Get some Medic White and Phthalo Pyro on your team and go to town.

Do you want a little spy that lives in a bush next to the point,
you can do it... it's your server.
Remember on Toj we don't have button mistakes...
we just have happy map accidents.

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Tuesday, July 23, 2019 at 9:55 PM from toj.cc Mighty Gerbil:

It's that time again!

Time to file your taxes? ... NO!
Time to take out the garbage? ...NO!
Time of the season for loving? ...NO!
Time to drink from the fire hose? ...NO!
Time to duel? ...NO!

It's time to join Toj TF2 Tusday!

Toj TF2 Tuesday better than at LEAST half of those possibilities!

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Tuesday, July 30 at 10:14 PM from toj.cc Mighty Gerbil:

(...pss, hey, now you're a rock star...)

Some Pyro once told me her team was gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest knife on the Spy
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger on her flare gun
and the shape of hat on her forehead

Well, the engineers start coming
and they don't stop building
Bled all the fools and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to play for fun
Your team gets the cart and the dead get numb
So much to cut, so much to flee
So what's wrong with taking the back way?
You'll never know if you turn pro
You'll never uber if you don't glow

Hey now, you're a pub star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a Spy Star
Get a streak on, use blade
And all rage quitters are gold
Only random crits break the game

It's a fools chase, and they say get bolder
They're holed up now, wait 'til you're the flag holder
But the meatier men beg to differ
Judging by the holes from the gunfight victor
The life we have is getting pretty thin
The Pyro's getting warm so you might as well go in
My coat's on fire, how 'bout yours?
That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey now, we're a server
Get your game on, join Toj
Hey now, we're a server
Get a hat on, well played
And sure Team Fortress is old
Only on our server we break the mold

Musical Bridge~

Hey now, you're a pub star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a Spy Star
Get a streak on, use blade
And all rage quitters are gold
Only random crits break the game

Somebody once asked
Could I be that snake in the grass?

...and then I stabbed him, so yes I was, tee hee.

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Tuesday, August 6 at 9:44 PM from toj.cc Mighty Gerbil:

(looks at you with dewy eyes.)

For just 3 hours a Tuesday you can...

*Send a newb to a spawn room.
*Join the "Run for Your Life" every time you are outnumbered.
*Save the environment by planting stickies.
*Raise awareness for gas mask speech impediments.
*Donate rockets to the explosion-less.
*Promote racial harmony by purging the filthy Red or Blue team.
*Feed sandviches to the mortally wounded.
*Provide medical care to victims of digital violence.
*Keep a player warm for the rest of their life with your flamethrower.
*Adopt an adorable, knife wielding, Gerbil who will follow you everywhere.
*Surpass Hands Across America and Conga Across A Map.

Won't somebody think of the children... you can pwn online?

Give your time to Toj TF2 game night. We may not be poor,
but we can be poor losers and are frequently called dirty bums....

(Spy needs a taunt of him playing the tiniest violin in the world.)

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Tuesday, August 13, 2019 from toj.cc Mighty Gerbil:

Do you like TF2 and Spam?

Would you play it for a hat? Would you play it with your cat?
Would you play it on a chair? Would you play it sitting there?
Would you play it with a random dude? Would you play it for Youtube?
Would you play it with an emote? Would you play it with what I wrote?

You will like it!
Just wait and see!
You will like it!
Come play with me!

Would you play it from the coast? Would you with an Aerithos?
Would you play it with a Noodle? Would you with his brother Pamfafoofle?
Would you play it on a Tuesday? Would you with the newb Ray?
Would you play it with a Banana? Would you play it, well can ya?

...I guess if I HAVE too, but, seriously we love you Ray... because rhymes aren't easy and your name fit perfectly!

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Tuesday, August 20, 2019 from toj.cc Mighty Gerbil:

On Top of The Heavy
Written by Pamfafoofle
(To be sung to the tune of “On Top of Spaghetti”)

On top of the Heavy
All covered with crits
I lost my control point
When Gerbil took it.

It was captured by RaySoul
But guarded by Doc
‘Til he was sniped by Banana—
That was quite a shock!

Aerithos fought bravely
But slowly he fell
To the antics of TroutTracks
And Noodles as well.

The control point’s now crowded
With Peek and with Karx
Bird ran to its rescue
But died in some sparks.

(Musical Bridge)...

The team is all dead now.
They clearly have lost.
The control point’s been taken
At quite a great cost.

So if you’re a Heavy
All covered with crits
Defend your control point;
Don’t let them take it.

(And since you can’t defend your control point without playing TF2, join now!)


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The reference link (play the video as you read along here, note it has a long orchestral outro)

Evening! Today's Kritzkast calls for Blue Spies!

My gun is aligning in my eye, there is a crowd in sight
It's topped gaming everybody's in to play
And don't you know it's a beautiful Tuesday, hey

Gunning down the retinue, see how my gun offlines "Mightily"
In this ditty, on the tweets which once were witty
Mr. Blue Spy is killing here today, hey

Mr. Blue Spy, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long, where will we get pronged?

Mr. Blue Spy, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long, where will we get pronged?

Hey you with the stabby face, welcome to the Blue man chase, a swell ablation
Mr. Blue Spy's out there waiting, and today is the day we've waited for, oh

Mr. Blue Spy, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long, where will we get pronged?

Hey there, Mr. Blue, we're so un-eased to be with you
Look around, see what you do, everybody's miles from you

Hey there, Mr. Blue, we're so un-eased to be with you
Look around, see what you do, everybody's miles from you

Mr. Blue Spy, Mr. Blue Spy, Mr. Blue Spy-y

Mr. Blue, you did it right, but soon comes Mr. Knife
Creeping over, now his shank is in your shoulder
Never mind, I'll remember you this, I'll remember you this way

Mr. Blue Spy, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long, where will we get pronged?

Hey there, Mr. Blue, we're so un-eased to be with you
Look around, see what you do, everybody's miles from you...
 
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So recently TF2 Spy enjoyer Spynamite finished building a new computer and below is the text he sent me about it from an, ahem, "Old Town Road" ...

Yeah, I'm gonna take Valve's Source from an old download
I'm gonna Sp-y 'til I can't no more
I'm gonna take Valve's Source from an old download
I'm gonna Sp-y 'til I can't no more

I got a Ge-force in my rack
Mouse jack is attached
Mat is matte black
Got to boot WD black after patch
Buyin' without remorse, ha
Cost more than a Porsche
I win in the tally
Yours can't hold a torch, now

Can't nobody sell me nothin'
You can't sell me nothin'
Can't nobody sell me nothin'
You can't sell me nothin'

Runnin' on a nuke' reactor
Stream quicker than an adder
Completed my baby
You can't go any faster
My knife is a 8k movie
Bull fightin' the Hoovies
My toy's frames top Fuji
One second on my bootie

Can't nobody sell me nothin'
You can't sell me nothin'
Can't nobody sell me nothin'
You can't sell me nothin'

Yeah, I'm gonna take Valve's Source from an old download
I'm gonna Sp-y 'til I can't no more
I'm gonna take Valve's Source from an old download
I'm gonna Sp-y 'til I can't no more

Hat on, quick-play, Shivin' like a pub star
Spent a lot of money on my gold-plated spacebar
Baby's got a habit: flyin' pings and many screen draws
Gunnin' down Demos with Pavarotti shot calls
Got no nemesis, I've done hewn all that
I'm like a secret agent man with a chip on crack
Wish I could roll on back to that old download
I wanna Sp-y 'til I can't no more

Yeah, I'm gonna take Valve's Source from an old download
I'm gonna Sp-y 'til I can't no more
I'm gonna take Valve's Source from an old download
I'm gonna Sp-y 'til I can't no more

...
...
... Note Spynamite didn't actually send me this... sorry Spynamite! /runs away
 
The reference song link.

They chat about, but I can't hear a word they say
A talking crowd, not playing much
I'm kritzkrieged, but all my bullets miss anyway
Shoot me down, but I respawn

I'm such a goof, so ping to schmooze
It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday
Quick go play, you make our game
It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday

My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have a player who stalks
Boomtown and Haunted Cove
Raise your voice, quick fix and sawbones may take our zones
A talking crowd, not playing much

I'm such a goof, so ping to schmooze
It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday
Quick go play, you make our game
It's Tuesday, it's Tuesday

My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
I am australium
I am australium

Thrownin' hard, some clean fun
Tiring all the ones with pun
Thrownin' hard, as a bulletproof class

My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
My score is down, but I won't call
I am australium
I am australium
 
Terrible advice incoming but it's to the beat of this song so that makes it ok...

They told him, "Don't you ever work around here?
Don't wanna see your grades, you're gonna miss a year"
The dryer's compromised and your mother just appeared
So yeet it, just yeet it (Ooh!)
You better run, you better avoid what you can (Ooh!)
Don't wanna clean no crud, don't be a trash man (Ooh!)
You wanna go slough off, better skew from a plan
So yeet it, but you wanna new hat

Just yeet it, yeet it, yeet it, yeet it
No need for things to be completed
Show'em you're no monkey to work TF2 night
Nothing else matters when it's time for hat fights
Just yeet it (Yeet it)
Just yeet it (Yeet it)
Just yeet it (Yeet it)
Just yeet it (Yeet it, uh)

Childcare out to vet you, better leave them with gramps
Don't wanna be employed, you wanna read a spam
You wanna play a spy, beat a guy with a ham
So yeet it, just yeet it (Ooh!)
You have to show the mob that you're really not scared (Ooh!)
You're avoidin' your wife, to keep a gaming chair (Ooh!)
They'll kick you, then they'll beat you, just tell them you're mentally impaired
So yeet it, but you wanna new hat

Just yeet it, yeet it, yeet it, yeet it
That other thing just delete it
Login' now low key and play til midnight
House is on fire play by torchlight
Just yeet it, yeet it, yeet it, yeet it
No one wants to leave once seated
Show'um how you won't pee and strong is your fight
Toughen that bladder prolong til you're white
Just yeet it (Yeet it, yeet it, yeet it)
Yeet it (Yeet it, yeet it, ha, ha, ha, ha)
Yeet it (Yeet it, yeet it)
Yeet it (Yeet it, yeet it)...

OK so I am not Weird Al and sometimes the lowbrow stuff just fits too well when you are on a time crunch XD .
 
Today's Mighty Melody the original song here is hard to follow so I've included the original lyrics in a spoiler for ease of reference with the "improved" version below that.
All the old paintings on the tombs
They do the sand dance don't you know
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)
They're falling down like a domino

All the bazaar men by the Nile
They got the money on a bet
Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)
They snap their teeth on your cigarette

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian

Blond waitresses take their trays
They spin around and they cross the floor
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)
You drop your drink and they give you more

All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)
They're walking like an Egyptian

All the kids in the marketplace say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian

Slide your feet up the street bend your back
Shift your arm then you pull it back
Life is hard you know (oh whey oh)
So strike a pose on a Cadillac

If you want to find all the cops
They're hanging out in the donut shop
They sing and dance (oh whey oh)
Spin the clubs cruise down the block

All the Japanese with their yen
The party boys call the Kremlin
And the Chinese know (oh whey oh)
They walk the line like Egyptian

All the cops in the donut shop say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian
Walk like an Egyptian

Trawl the old stabbing on some noobs
Prey hand to hand dance don't you know
If they don't move quick (no way bro)
They're falling down like a domino

All the bazaar men ply their guile
They cover their bum-y with a vest
Darwin's crocodile (no way bro)
They slap a wreath on your cigarette

Australian types with the dead-on snipes say
Hey no way bro, hey no way bro
Stalk like a Frenchman


Bond wait you're sus patience pays
They'll spin around and they'll cross the floor
They're due some grooves (no way bro)
You drop their shrink and then they cry some more

All the fool kids to hick to look
They hike to health and the metal stands
When your dagger stings (no way bro)
You're stalking like a Frenchman

All the kids in Steam marketplace say
Hey no way bro, hey no way bro
Stalk like a Frenchman


Slide your feet up the street behind a pack
Shiv in your arm then you pull it back
Life is hard they turned (no way bro)
So strike a nose with a back attack

If you want to grind all the lops
Beware ganking scouts with the shortstop
They sing and dance (no way bro)
Send some slugs gun down the flock

All the Engies with their defense
The hearty boys from the Kremlin
And the burn beasts know (no way bro)
Don't cut in line with a Frenchman

When the chops in the slow butt flop say
Hey no way bro, hey no way bro
Stalk like a Frenchman
Stalk like a Frenchman


If the original was by "The Bangles" the Spy version would be by, ahem, "The Mangles" .
 
"If you wanna be happy" first learn the ancient words of wisdom from this link (lyrics in the spoiler)...

Hey, hey, hey, hey

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
Ah you'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks meals on time
She'll always give you peace of mind

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Don't let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don't match
Take it from me, she's a better catch

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Say man! Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah? Yeah, an' she's ugly!
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

...afterwards read the Gerbil path to being happy below...

Hey, hey, hey, hey

If you want to be happy for the rest of your night
Never Quake, play Pokemon, or Smite
So for my personal point of view
Go directly to TF2

If you want to be happy for the rest of your night
Never Quake, play Pokemon, or Smite
So for my personal point of view
Go directly to TF2

A pretty game makes your broadband go crawl
And very often causes a big install
As soon as you updated it then DLC starts
To do the things that will take a new part

But if you play a buggy game you're alright
Ah you'll be happy for the rest of your night
A buggy game's looks don't cost a dime
It'll always be a masterpiece online

If you want to be happy for the rest of your night
Never Quake, play Pokemon, or Smite
So for my personal point of view
Go directly to TF2

Don't let your friends say it's too slow paced
Go ahead and stab their face
Though your interface is buggy, it needs a patch
Take it from me it plays a better match

If you want to be happy for the rest of your night
Never Quake, play Pokemon, or Smite
So for my personal point of view
Go directly to TF2

Say man! Hey crybaby!
I saw your knife hit a mile away!
Yeah? Yeah, an' it's buggy!
Yeah, it's buggy, but I need pics for Facebook, crybaby!
Yeah, alright!

If you want to be happy for the rest of your night
Never Quake, play Pokemon, or Smite
So for my personal point of view
Go directly to TF2

(repeat refrain X3)
 
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Standing (on) Thunder Mountain
The full uber shines on me
I am the chosen one
I am not Heavy

I'm hangin on the rope of life
Close to the ubersaw

Just me and my needles
Alone, again

Watching the Payload
See how it cries
I can feel, the tears in my spies
My spies of scorn

I am the Soldier
I break the flanker

And I don't need no
Concheror

I raise my head
Two fort sky
Place I've been before
Waiting to spy

For my eyes of storm
My eyes 2 Fort

It's spy's knife that
Brings you down

I will make your mouse
Turn round and round

Look in to my eyes
Tell me what do you see
It is not you,
It is not me

It's my spy's I scorn
My spy's I scorn

~

I want you see
That the flame is hurting me
I want you to feed
Until the end of the game

How am I
Invisible pose

As the cart is rising
And announcer cries

You are bombing
With the soldier's in the night

The faux bald eagle
In the enemy lines

It's my spies of scorn
My spies of scorn

It's my spies of scorn
My spies of scorn

It's my spies of scorn
My spies of scorn

It's my spies of scorn
My spies of scorn
 
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